Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give frozen girl my scarf

90 replies

GlitzAndGiggles · 03/01/2014 19:23

I was sat at a bus stop when a lady came with 2 young children. The one in the pushchair was screaming for about 15 mins and she was in a thin coat with no hat, scarf or gloves. Whenever she told her mum she was cold she was told to shut up. The older girl - probably around 7 or 8 was shivering away too also in a summery type coat. Anyway after 15 mins of the crying it clicked in my head to give the one in the pushchair my scarf so I took it off and asked the mum if she wanted it for her daughter and she kissed her teeth and took it then walked off Confused. I wasn't trying to make her feel bad but it was horrible seeing these girls like that. Should I have just stayed out of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitzAndGiggles · 03/01/2014 23:06

A chunky knit scarf

OP posts:
LedareAnsley · 03/01/2014 23:06
Cheesyslice · 03/01/2014 23:07

Thank god for that. If it was an MN scarf you definitely should have let the little bugger freeze.

Original poster
GlitzAndGiggles · 03/01/2014 23:10

What's a mumsnet scarf?

OP posts:
Misspixietrix · 03/01/2014 23:13

It's the attitude that comes with the teeth kissing. I would have wondered if I WBU to if someone walked off. OP she was probably .embarrassed.will always remember this that a lovely friend told me "it's always easier to give than it is to receive).

not exclusive to black people Hmm )

saintlyjimjams · 03/01/2014 23:17

Yeah what hmc said.

And I am completely c

saintlyjimjams · 03/01/2014 23:18

Confused by the supposed teeth kissing=black suggestion. Why?

Notawordfromtheladybird · 03/01/2014 23:19

I name change a lot and usually like worra's posts. However, I think her comment on this one smacks of "you're boring me with your unchallenging OP".

If I gave away a piece of my clothing and got a negative reaction, I too would think wtf. I'd probably say it instead of posting about it on the net but then I'm not British GrinSmile

SecretWitch · 03/01/2014 23:26

I guess I am confused. Did you think you were being unreasonable to offer a warm garment to chilly child?

woozlebear · 03/01/2014 23:29

Worra's being ridiculous, and unpleasant.

The black thing is insane.

That said I came on this thread fully expecting - according to my theory that mn will at all times be contrary- to find op being flamed for being interfering or patronising or summat.

You never can tell. Well, I never can anyway.

Original poster
GlitzAndGiggles · 03/01/2014 23:35

SecretWitch I thought she may have felt I was interfering but I was genuinely worried for the little one crying and howling from the cold in thin clothes

OP posts:
SecretWitch · 03/01/2014 23:41

Clearly, you were not being unreasonable. I just hope your scarf was used for the baby.

I don't understand the upset about the teeth kissing remark. I had no idea it had racist connotations until i read this thread.

Nerfmother · 03/01/2014 23:56

My bil and nephews are black. I'm going to try to provoke teeth kissing in them. As they live in the Caribbean clearly I cannot try to offend them with warm clothing. Suggestions?

horsetowater · 04/01/2014 00:08

Well done OP, more people should interfere when people are too stupid to look after their children properly. You did a good thing, but don't expect the vast majority of people to pat you on the back for it because the vast majority of people would have been too embarrassment or afraid of the mother's response.

You acted in the interests of the child and didn't put yourself first.

ViviPru · 04/01/2014 00:09

Did she walk off completely OP? Hadn't she come to the bus stop to catch a bus??

Original poster
GlitzAndGiggles · 04/01/2014 04:52

Well I sat for another 5 mins waiting for someone and she hadn't come back

OP posts:
LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 04/01/2014 06:18

I imagine that she was embarrassed that someone had noticed that her children were inadequately dressed.

Misspixietrix · 04/01/2014 08:52

Sorry didn't realise my post was all juggled Blush. secretwitch its because someone on here assumed it was a 'black thing' and it's not. My 11yo White DN has the teeth kissing down to a fine art and it still grates me. (Akin to Nails on a Blackboard to me). OP I honestly think she was just embarrassed/maybe possibly offended. To someone like us it's a nice gesture but if she's really struggling she perhaps wondered off thinking "shit she thinks I can't take care of my child properly". Not saying that's what you thought but it's hard and you feel constantly judged at some times which is why scarf lady was a bit embarrassed at gesture. She probably walked away and had a little cry for all we know at the kindness of a stranger. But remember this OP she took the scarf. She didn't refuse it so its probably sat snuggly with Pram Child now.

Misspixietrix · 04/01/2014 08:54

Nerfmother Bathing Suits? Grin

MissDuke · 04/01/2014 09:13

I would also say she was embarrassed, and agree she may well have went for a cry. Afterall, why would you walk off after waiting for 15 mins? It wasn't as if she had a go at you or anything. Like others, I am unfamiliar with teeth kissing.

Misspixietrix · 04/01/2014 09:41

I think its a defence mechanism MissDuke a lot of people get defensive / put their guard up to come across as if they are okay. Sometimes people find it easier to come across like that so they don't look vulnerable :( .

comedycentral · 04/01/2014 11:16

Wow some of you lot have bullied the OP good & proper haven't you?

If you don't like the post don't bloody comment.

hackmum · 04/01/2014 11:37

Well, I suppose the underlying message of the OP's action could be interpreted as "You're a shit parent who can't even be bothered to dress your children properly." Which is why the mum didn't smile and say "thank you, how kind." Of course quite possibly she is a shit parent but none of us likes other people pointing it out Smile

Bettercallsaul1 · 04/01/2014 12:16

I agree with woozlebear, horsetowater and Misspixietrix - I think this is a very reasonable AIBU to post and absolutely not a veiled appeal for approval. I'm astonished anyone would think that.

The best AIBU s pose questions where there is a genuine dilemma and it is possible to take two polar opposite attitudes towards the situation. Here, some posters seem to think there is only one - one of blanket approval for the OP's action of giving a warm scarf to a stranger's child who was shivering with cold. It is actually to their credit that they cannot conceive of a different reaction but it has led them to think the OP was disingenuous, which is unfair.

Like woozlebear, I immediately saw the possibility of the OP being considered patronising and interfering - Lady Bountiful dispensing charity to the less fortunate at a bus stop, thinking the OP's action was a temporary and inadequate bandaid designed to make the giver feel better but not tackling the underlying problem etc. The fact that the child's mother did not react positively, but walked away, must have made the OP doubt her good intentions and it was completely reasonable for her to want to check out other people's reactions by coming on here.

Of course she was right to give the child the scarf - it was a spontaneous gesture of empathy and altruism - but having done the right thing, she was immediately aware of the different interpretation that a cynical society could put on it and quite understandably wanted to get other people's perspective.

musicboxwoundbyakey · 04/01/2014 12:23

think the teeth-kissing reference was a way of implying the mother was black without actually saying the mother was black.

Think that says more about you to be fair.

The person I know who does this all the time is a white guy with gold teeth. It's not "black" or "white" thing.