To not intervene re my dd's eating?

[Abc000]

My dd is 17 and due to ill health has been unable to do any sport/exercise for the last 18 months. Her eating levels have not reduced so she is now going from muscle to fat.

She knows about healthy eating and quantities. She comments on the muscle turning to fat whilst tucking into chocolate.

I know she's down due to lack of sport and I can't see me reminding her every time she eats something unhealthy that she's not burning it off, so I'm leaving her to it.

But now I am wondering if I am failing in my duty of care to her by not intervening. AIBU to leave her to it?

It's so tricky, I really sympathise. I still have a tendency to eat in secret as while I'm not overweight my mum and dad always commented if I ate crisps or chocolate. They served up fattening meals, though!

Don't remind her when she is eating, but encourage her to do something at other times- walking? Dancing? Even housework?

Is there a likelihood she can get back to sport?

If not perhaps approach it as a long term health plan about adjusting intake to compensate for the lack of exercise?

I've started reducing her meal portions not hugely so but when dishing up put fewer potatoes on for example. I do healthy dinner, lunch at home is fruit and sandwich at school is dinner breakfast is bowl of cereal.

It is the snacking that is not helping her.

Why would you remind her every time anyway?

If you're worried about her weight gain adding to her health problems, maybe you could think of something to say.

It's tricky though and only you know your DD and how she's likely to react.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but I think YABU.

Not that she shouldn't have a treat sometimes, slimming world lets you have treats every day! Only she may get more down if she puts on a lot of weight so it might be worth reminding her gently.

On the other hand 17 is old enough to be responsible for this herself..it IS A difficult one, I guess it depends a lot on the sort of person she is, is she fairly confident and happy with who she is/how she looks?

Unfortunately she can't walk - so housework, gentle exercise is out. She's not allowed swimming/cycling etc. unknown cause at moment so no time frame.

Please do try to work with her to tackle this now.

I was fit and healthy until injury and illness from age 14 meant I couldn't exercise as I used to. I put on weight and that made exercise harder. I am 30 next week and have spent the last 6 months beginning to tackle the weight and fitness. With hindsight I wish when I was first injured somehow I had even able to keep control would have made it much easier.

Hope she starts to recover soon

My sister has a similar problem, due taking medication for a pre-existing medical condition her weight & dress size has increased a lot in 4 years. She has gone from a size 10 to a size 18 and she refuses to excercise & wont eat sensibly. I know she is depressed about her size which is why she comfort eats and it is hard for us to approach the situation constructively.

Who is buying her the chocolate and snacks?

She was confident and happy but now not being her normal self her confidence has taken a hit and whilst I don't think so yet I can see becoming overweight will hurt too.

I think then you have to raise it with her. The more weight she puts on, she is more likely to find it harder to lose. Teenage girls are self-conscious too- she will not want to go to the gym or go to the pool if she is much heavier than she used to be.

Is she eating because she is bored?

What's wrong with her OP - is it being dealt with?

"Who is buying her the chocolate and snacks?"

Could you keep healthier snacks in the house instead? What support is she getting from her doctor?

Could you try reducing carbs and increasing protein and veg, without calorie counting? That would reduce insulin spikes so might help with the urge to snack

e.g.Greek yoghurt and nuts for breakfast, mushroom omelette for lunch, chicken and veg in stew for supper sort of thing?

I had a similar thing happen when I broke my leg very badly and was pinned up and semi-immobilised for six or seven months - I was bored, restless and anxious about the future, and comfort ate like crazy. I think in your position, I would bring it up gently. The excess weight didn't make it any easier when I had to relearn how to walk and balance all over again. I appreciate it's not easy.

muscle doesn't turn to fat. She is, obviously, putting on weight due to inability to move.

is this long term? Is she in a wheelchair? Is she getting treatment?

she is no doubt very depressed and that won't help.

If there is not likely to be a change in her circumstances then I think you owe it to her to try and work out a new eating plan to fit with her new lifestyle. If she is not going to be getting back to her exercise regime soon she is going to have to adapt.
18months is a long time, a grown up discussion about the changes in her life might be worth a go?
It really does depend on how you feel she would react. If its going to make her more down then you'll have to take it slowly and do all you can to cut down n her intake.

It's so hard. We get told not to make an issue out of things otherwise they make matters worse, we also get told we ought to be doing something.

This is something I struggle to come to conclusion on the best way forward as I fear passing on my own issues but also fear doing nothing.

All I can do is sympathise x

Unfortunately docs being useless they can see damage (MRI pics) but they don't know what and importantly why so they send us away for a month so they can scratch their heads bar her from doing any form of movement due to the damage call her back to get others to see her who scratch their heads say they have no idea nothing to do with them but don't exercise. They measure her every month, initially (for first 6 months) she lost weight since then been steadily putting it on.

I think you need to talk to her, but not while she's eating or just eaten something 'bad'. Find out why she's snacking and what you can do to help - stress? boredom? hunger? Make sure she can fill up on healthy foods and there are tasty, satisfying snacks available.
Try to get her back to balanced eating before the habits get even harder to break.

Very hard. 17 year olds are near adults and harder to influence if they have the independence to go to the shops and buy their own stuff.

Do I take it that your daughter is dependent on you to provide her food, or is she able to go out and get stuff for herself at all? Would it make any difference if you bought less chocolate and biscuits and more fruit, veg and cereals? If she depends on you completely to provide all of her food and cannot conveniently go out herself and supplement it with rubbish then you may still have some influence left. Otherwise, it will remain a difficult area.

Sorry, cross-posted a bit there. She clearly sounds pretty dependent on you.

I hope the doctors get to the bottom of what is wrong with her soon. It must be very frustrating, both for her and for you.

Muscle doesn't 'turn into fat'. Her eating is up to her. Even if you exercise so that overeating junk doesn't lead to weight gain you still are eating junk. It is still as unhealthy for your body. Think more about her health than her image. But it is completely up to her what she eats!

Here is some advice from the mother of a teenage wheelchair user.
Mix a little white lie with some truth.
First get your doc to refer your d to a community dietician.
The little white lie from you to your d would be that it is possible that diet could help your d's situation as far as her health problem goes.
The truth is that the dietician will offer really useful advice for your d as regards food, snacks, what to eat/not to eat, how to feel full, etc etc.
Coming from a professional, she might listen and act.
If not, you have done what you can at this stage, which coupled with having mainly "healthy" food at hand at home, should at least help.
Good luck!