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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please play Devils advocate for me re : evil sisterl and dh with amnesia

43 replies

catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:14

Hi all

I KNOW I've pposted about all this before but I'm. Just getting my self in a pickle atm.

dhBriefly

When dh was I'll with 5 minute memory and very pen to b suggestion evil sister (ES) "helped" Hmm dh to .......

Access his medical records
Booked second diagnosis , therapy, advocacy , mediaton.

All arranged during visits by Dh to ES house and their "private and confidential" conversations.

I was never included in any of these meetin's / bookings and only b found out about them by accident.

Sooooooooo........

Is there ANY angle that this can be viewed from where ES protestations of "I was only trying to help" ( playing the poor victim card) are to be believed.

ES has form for this with a lady who had ms and was very "help full" with her medical care.

It's come to s head I a few days ago when dh made his v first visit back to my home b town to see the dcs in 18 months and he's happily popping of to visit ES.

The fucking bitch RUINED my life and all of this has deeply affected the dcs and dhb is happy to chat away to her but won't even talk to me :(

OP posts:
Lambzig · 02/01/2014 18:20

I remember you other threads and read them with horror.

I don't think I can be devils advocate because I can't think of a single way in which her behaviour wasn't selfish, controlling, seeking personal gratification and generally awful.

I am so sorry about how this situation continues to be so awful for you.

ZillionChocolate · 02/01/2014 18:20

Catfourfeet your post is quite difficult to follow although I remember you from previous posts. I think you have to accept this is out of your control, you'd be better trying to withdraw and finding a way to cope than constantly being disappointed and hurt.

RandomMess · 02/01/2014 18:21

What is the current situation with your dh, is he actually much better now and wanting to build a relationship with you all?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:22

Zillion : is just v that all b family and dhs think she can do no wrong. I feel like I'm going mad at times. Or that I'M the one at fault :(

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:24

Random
. He is getting his memory back but still wants to divorce. Though it's been nearly av year since he filled and nothing else had happened.

The divorce was made when his memory was still VERY poor and is full of things that I can prove and untrue yet he signed it .... :(

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:24

Random
. He is getting his memory back but still wants to divorce. Though it's been nearly av year since he filled and nothing else had happened.

The divorce was made when his memory was still VERY poor and is full of things that I can prove and untrue yet he signed it .... :(

OP posts:
AmberSweet · 02/01/2014 18:31

Oh Cat I remember your other threads! I don't know how anyone could be so cruel and I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm absolutely in awe of how you have coped and got on with things!

I know this sounds awful but the only reason I could think of as to why your sister would act so insanely is that she is in love with your husband and used the situation to gain some sort of control? That's what I've always thought when reading your threads anyways.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:35

Amber : it is possible I suppose but ES just HAS to be the one in the know about anything medical.

She tried to get at my medical records with the mh team (after my brother was crushed to death ) and when I asked her not to she raged at me and v didn't talk to me for a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:36

Ps

She was thrown off her hcp course.

OP posts:
Bodypopper · 02/01/2014 18:40

I remember your threads too and sorry to day totally totally agree with AmberSweet

Just dreadful.

parakeet · 02/01/2014 18:42

I remember some of your previous posts, although missed that he filed for divorce. Sounds like she is some kind of uber-controlling person who loved being involved in the drama of it all, which trumped any feelings she might have had for you. What was his diagnosis?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:45

Body : so much has happened in the v last 3 years that Iwould NEVER have imagined that atm I think anything could happen.

Mostly I just need to "let go" but as so much of dhs view of me is based on 18 months of ES and dhs sister pouring poison in his ear I don't feel he's seen n any truth for a looooig time

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:49

Para : he was diagnosed with dissociative amnesia , basically amnesia without a physical cause.

Apparently , according to the divorce, this was due to a house move I "forced" him to make.

A) he was ill before we moved
B) none knows what causes da.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 02/01/2014 18:49

It sounds like you have been treated very badly, I've seen other threads too. But as you have asked people to play devils advocate,

Is there ANY angle that this can be viewed from where ES protestations of "I was only trying to help" ( playing the poor victim card) are to be believed.

Yes, there are circumstances where a sister would be right to go through her brothers medical records, book a second opinion etc. If she had reason to believe her brother was being taken advantage of, or was being neglected or abused in anyway then of course family should be involved.

The problem you have is that most people will find it very hard to believe that someone's need to be controlling would extend to what you have had to deal with.

RenterNomad · 02/01/2014 18:51

Maybe he continues to want a divorce because he's too ashamed of the past, and can't face how upset you have been, over it all. Or because he's too tired/lazy to make the effort to restore what you had.

I think you're going to have to let him go. Sad This doesn't mean your ES has "won", or anything: what has she actually "won"?

BTW, was she "thrown off her HCP course" for any reason connected with your H?

RandomMess · 02/01/2014 18:51

There are very weird dynamics going on that is for sure. Could ES just be insanely jealous of your marriage and dc and she wants them all for herself? Or she just wants a man who is completely reliant and devoted to her?

What have her previous relationships been like?

NoelOfLorst · 02/01/2014 18:52

Ok purely because you've asked for a devils advocate, I would say the fact that you mention that both your family and his see no problem with what's happened is...well, I'm not sure....interesting?

It's your sister isn't it?

But I can't really be devils avocado because I've read some of your other threads

Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:53

Woo wooo : it was MY sister not his.

My gp said I had done everything and more for dh. Gp advised me to start talking care of myself and my " own health was suffering.

If I'd been neglecting dh u could understand it a bit.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/01/2014 18:53

I remember your threads and I am sorry how things have progressed. In what way would coming between a vulnerable person and their next of kin be helpful? or tricking someone into consenting to her involvement knowing full well he would forget that he had done it acting in anyone's interests but her own?

I would never diagnose someone over the internet but it almost sounding like some form of narcissistic behaviour that she had to be at the centre of everything and the great rescuer.

WooWooOwl · 02/01/2014 18:56

Sorry for my mistake. I've read your threads in the past and always thought it was his sister! The fact that it's your sister is even more weird, so no, I don't think there is anything to defend her.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:59

ES is very , very good at wording things do that she isn't actually lying but........

Eg

I put dhs car key in an envelope addressed to ES through her door. It was then her responsibility if she chose to give it to him . He'd got lost in the mwsay and I took the key away.

Her version of this " cat made sure dh had his car key"

So if he got lost agsin it v looks like I'm the one to blame but...... She dont "Lie"

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/01/2014 19:04

She is lying by omission. She is leaving out her own involvement therefore it is not the truth. I think you just counter it with facts if you can be bothered.

Your DH's behaviour now might still be a symptom of his illness but I wouldn't hang on to that hope too much. I would be tempted to stand back and let ES deal with him so that any new problems that arise are down to her.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 19:04

Something I just remember froom my childhood.

ES is 9 years older than me she dc 5, I'm dc 8 in a family of 8.

I was "growing up" and needed a bra. Something u waslooking forward to doing with my mum.

ES m arches me if down town to buy first bra. When I asked my mum why she asked ES to take me my mum didn't know anything about it :(

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/01/2014 19:05
  • by can be bothered - I mean if you feel it is worth it and will make any difference (I don't mean it in the can't be arsed sense).
PortofinoRevisited · 02/01/2014 19:05

You REALLY REALLY need to walk away and let them get on with it. I know how hurtful it is, but you are expending emotional energy you could be putting into building a new life for you and your kids.

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