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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please play Devils advocate for me re : evil sisterl and dh with amnesia

43 replies

catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 18:14

Hi all

I KNOW I've pposted about all this before but I'm. Just getting my self in a pickle atm.

dhBriefly

When dh was I'll with 5 minute memory and very pen to b suggestion evil sister (ES) "helped" dh to .......

Access his medical records
Booked second diagnosis , therapy, advocacy , mediaton.

All arranged during visits by Dh to ES house and their "private and confidential" conversations.

I was never included in any of these meetin's / bookings and only b found out about them by accident.

Sooooooooo........

Is there ANY angle that this can be viewed from where ES protestations of "I was only trying to help" ( playing the poor victim card) are to be believed.

ES has form for this with a lady who had ms and was very "help full" with her medical care.

It's come to s head I a few days ago when dh made his v first visit back to my home b town to see the dcs in 18 months and he's happily popping of to visit ES.

The fucking bitch RUINED my life and all of this has deeply affected the dcs and dhb is happy to chat away to her but won't even talk to me :(

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/01/2014 19:06

She does sound like a controlling bully. What does she have in her life apart from an unhealthy interest in your marriage and DH? How is she with other siblings?

Original poster

catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 19:13

Porto :

If you were in this Situation and you don't know just how much your dh REALLY understands / has been lued to would you just wall away ???

I left 60 odd messages when he c was living with sil.

None were answered , do I rage at dh ??? But sil tools me less than 10 messages had been left , I doubt she v told him. About b ANY of the c messages.

Also his solicitor "told" him. He wasn't allowed to see his kids

OP posts:

Original poster

catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 19:15

She has been a live in carer to a gentleman 30 years he senior for the last 30 odd years.

OP posts:

Bodypopper · 02/01/2014 19:37

Bodypopper · 02/01/2014 19:40

Op sometimes in life you have to out yourself and your children first.

This is that time. You have absolutely nothing to loose as it's already gone love.

What the fuck your sis is getting from this I don't know, what your dh really thinks/remembers who knows but you really need now to start to live YOUR life for you and your dcs or they will send you to the edge.

Lambzig · 02/01/2014 19:49

Reading your new messages, I agree that you need to let it go.

Your sisters attitude to life does not sound a healthy or happy one and you will probably never understand her motivations.

I think you need to cut het out of your life, and move forward with your DC. I don't think you can do anything to help your DH except leave the door open for a relationship with the DC. Horrible, so difficult, but you do have a shot at happiness that way.

revivingsnowshower · 02/01/2014 19:51

In your situation I would get a solicitor and tell them what happened. Tell them you are willing to go to mediation as you would like to get things sorted out amicably and maybe give your version of events that happened when your dh was ill. If your dh still wants to divorce after mediation I think you should go ahead with it, it is very sad but if he feels that way even when you have talked he may never change his mind. You need to be able to be free to get on with your life. Aside from that you need some legal advise on finances, access to dcs etc.

PortofinoRevisited · 02/01/2014 19:55

Beyond reporting the situation to someone like Social Services, I am not sure what you can honestly do. Does he have money? Is she mistreating him? You need to let it go.

Heebiejeebie · 02/01/2014 20:00

Your husband's illness had a psychological cause. Perhaps he and your sister felt that your relationship with him was the cause of his illness. Perhaps he was able to function better and remember and talk more with her. Perhaps he asked for help. Has he been healthier since you broke up?

timidviper · 02/01/2014 20:03

I too would go for mediation with DH if you can just as a chance to talk and let him know some of what happened.

I think your sister is a damaged and deeply unpleasant person to put you through all of this but I think you could drive yourself mad trying to prove it or figure it all out. Awful though it is I think you need to walk away for your own sake.

Why don't you write everything down as a way of getting it out of your system and making a record that may be useful for DH or your DCs as time goes on. I would also document everything so, e.g. in the key example given above, record "Key sealed in envelope and posted through ESs door as requested, time and date"

MrsKCastle · 02/01/2014 20:07

I remember your previous threads. I think the only reason that she could justify her interference is if she believed that you were somehow neglecting or abusing your DH. I am NOT in any way saying you did- but it sounds like your ES has a skewed view of reality. She seems to view herself as a knight in shining armour, ready to help anyone that needs it... And therefore convinced herself that your DH needed rescuing.

Original poster

catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 20:53

Thanks for all the replies .

I dh has got better since he v went away but his condition would (in all likelihood) have he got better in time anyway.

Being away from the stresses of famiLy life will also have helped.

I want neglecting him , I did the best I could with 4 kids in tow, and keeping sane against his mood swings and anger. Dh "saved" his worst behaviour for me.

After he had been at sil for va while she said she "was glad to go to work , it's respite from dh"

I just don't get b that if he knew, REALLY knew what had gone on he v wouldn't at least want to talk to me

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 02/01/2014 20:54

I remember the other thread.
I honestly think you could drive yourself mad trying to get her to admit her involvement and wrong doings. It's time to cut your loses and leave them to it. Walk away, take care of yourself and the children and ignore ignore ignore, or she will drag you in and wear you down with her lying by omission.

Original poster

catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 20:58

Tried to go to mediation after he was away for about 5 months but "he" refused ( at that point his v memory was still v.poor)

Friends who have managed to see him, just one couple,
Once in all the time he's been away, thought he was definally being coerced.

I have tried every avenue ( ss, gp, police) to no avail

OP posts:

AlpacaPicnic · 02/01/2014 21:14

I would echo some other posters on here... you have tried so hard and nobody could accuse you of giving up easily but I think it might be time to concentrate on your children now. They need you and have nobody else to turn to due to their fathers illness.

It doesn't have to be a forever decision - you can make it very clear that you are willing to talk at any time but it must be at his request. You could write to him on a regular basis to reinforce that, if it feels comfortable to you to do so, but without any pressure for either of you.

I cannot begin to imagine what you have been through, and I am so very sorry to hear about the divorce. But is the 'battle' for your DH doing anything other than distressing you both?

AmberSweet · 02/01/2014 21:33

I agree with everyone else in that letting it go and concentrating on yourself would be best, but I understand things just don't work like that I just hope one day everyone involved in making your life miserable will get their comeuppance. I know your Dh has been ill and by the sounds of it all very much taken advantage of I hope he too will be able to see everything for what it was and see how much you did/do for him and how lucky he was.

Original poster

catfourfeet · 02/01/2014 21:52

Hi all
On a day to day basis I just get on with life , me and v the dcs. And it's s good life. I'm taking the business in a different direction (without dh I can't b run if as we used to) .

I take a more relaxed approach to life than dh and me and the dc s have done v stuff dh would not have done.

this somewhat displaces the things that they have missed out on without dh being here

I v discovered that i am better a driving long distances y than dh would have "let" me believe .

I can manage the business books,; is not add hard as dh made out. .

My skills with a power drill / saw are still "under review" ( gouged kitchen chairs used as saw horses ouch )

But I have found a few great handy men to help with b all that I can't do.

I firmly believe that most things can be accomplished with enough cardboard, cable ties and no-more-nails.

I feel in n limbo and I am starting therapy next week to b"move on".

OP posts:

alcibiades · 02/01/2014 22:16

I do remember your past threads, and while I can't remember all the details, I do recall reading each one with a sense of dread. Your sister is a nasty, evil person.

I can't remember how old your children are, but maybe, despite all your efforts with gp/ss/police, would it be possible for them to support an application to the Court of Protection (if you haven't already researched that possibility)?

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