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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want the in laws go treat he children fairly, present wise, next year?

32 replies

UnfairlyMary · 02/01/2014 13:04

For the last 3 years the in laws and uncles and aunts on their fathers side have treated our children significantly unfairly when it comes to presents.

The first year our youngest was just a baby and the aunt and uncle got him nothing 'because he's too young to know'. Then passed DH a present as instead, a model plane for him and eldest DC to make together.

The second year DC2 was toddling, and the present ratio was seriously lacking on his part but again I just thought it was because they would think he was too young to notice.

This Christmas he was old enough to notice. DC1 got 5 times the amount of presents and amount of money spent on him. The difference was ridiculous. I feel guilty when I think of DC2 peeking under the tree wondering where his presents were .

You would never guess, the grandparents aren't the doting type but they like the children and are nice people. Although they don't treat DH the way they treat his brothers, he has missed out on significant things that his brother hasn't, so its within their nature to be unfair with their generosity.

I feel like a prized ungrateful arse 'complaining' on here about this.

But my little DC2 noticed this year and we feel so bad for him.

DH wont say anything, he is already seen as the 'bad one' by his dad (no idea why?? He was in the army, did a degree and has never been out of work, he's an excellent father and nice person).

I know it'll happen next year, I thought of having a few sly presents wrapped up in the car so I could give them to DC2 when he's left out, to even things out. But then I realised that would look as though Im trying to make the grandparents look bad, which I wouldn't want to do at all. I just want the kids to feel even.

How do I handle this so I don't look ungrateful for what they do do?

WWYD?

OP posts:

purplebaubles · 02/01/2014 13:10

Don't go to theirs for Christmas. GP's to send presents so they can be unwrapped at home with immediate family.

You can then unwrap and see exactly what you're dealing with - and rewrap accordingly!

This is what my mum and dad did with me and my brother when we were little. My mum's MIL constantly gave my brother much more than me. Mum would always redistribute it (if that makes sense), sometimes taking presents away (and hiding for later!)

We would write thank you letters but maybe not be that specific about what we had received!

As we got older, my Dad specifically asked could a contribution be put in our bank accounts as we had everything we needed. This totally stopped the unfairness, as you can hardly put £30 in one and only a tenner in the other!

As you have your own family now, I really don't see the need to have the whole present opening with the inlaws.

Wevet · 02/01/2014 13:11

Maybe you just have very different ideas about what kind and number of gifts are appropriate for different ages?

I didn't give my baby a present for his first Christmas, and can't remember whether any of my family did, and I suppose I could see the logic of giving the elder child more presents, on the assumption that h/she has developed enthusiasms and interests, and that the younger child or children will be able to play with the eldest's toys, or have them handed on, anyway...?

purplebaubles · 02/01/2014 13:11

ps. My MIL spent £20 on DD. She probably spent about £200 on her daughter's son. Shrugs. Families!

Original poster

UnfairlyMary · 02/01/2014 13:12

Argh its already arranged that we are going to theirs for boxing day next year. Damn! That would have been a good idea though.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnfairlyMary · 02/01/2014 13:13

Wevet DC2 got a £15 tractor.

The eldest DC got 5 boxes of lego, the smallest of which was £20 the largest being £40.

There was a significant difference, not a different idea.

OP posts:

kat0406 · 02/01/2014 13:13

How does your DH feel about this? I really think it is up to him to have a chat with his family and explain how both of you feel. He should make sure that they know that your younger DC noticed this year and was hurt by it, and to be honest I would just say that if you won't buy both DC a similar gift, we don't want you buying anything for either of them

Original poster

UnfairlyMary · 02/01/2014 13:15

DH is feeling as bad as me about it. DH wont talk to the, about for reasons stated in my OP.

OP posts:

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 02/01/2014 13:15

we had this too, the first year though to be fair, older dd got about 6 gifts and youngest got one from GP's.

You do not have to spend lots, this is what I struggle with!

Present re distribution at home is a good idea, and what I will be doing in future, do not let them impact negatively on your family.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 02/01/2014 13:17

its already been arranged...so what! its a year away plans change, maybe you need to help your DH come to terms with his parents, and to learn to stop pleasing them and seeking their, fils approval, a good start is taking up the reigns of your own life.

phantomnamechanger · 02/01/2014 13:17

I don't think it needs to be about the same amount of money/value to the gift, as little kids do not understand value and a toddler and a teen have different needs. But certainly when they are under about 8, they ought to have the same amount of gifts to open over all. How can DS2 sit there while DS1 opens more and more gifts from GPs??? I am still careful about this and mine are 14/12/8 - it does not matter if the gift is a £1 plastic dinosaur or a £5 bracelet, they get the same number of things to open.

SashaOfSiberia · 02/01/2014 13:20

I think you should tell them that you felt the DC were overwhelmed with presents this year and so can they just stick to either 1 or 2 presents each or a budget or X amount, that way its harder to be unfair. You could say you are asking this of all the family.

Or, nearer the time, mention you are concerned, and be very general that last year your DC1 got more presents than DC2 and it caused problems at home?

Do they not have a relationship with DC2, is there any reason why they may favour your older child? Do they not know what to buy for the younger one or something?

phantomnamechanger · 02/01/2014 13:20

so one childs gift was a £15 toy and the other 5 boxes of lego ranging from £20-40, all from the GPs. Wow! see, I would find that too much and unfair even if it was just the £15/£40. but 4 extra, pricey gifts???

purplebaubles · 02/01/2014 13:21

Unarrange it

But wait until say, August time. Just say you feel now that the boys are bigger that Christmas needs to be at your house. Won't they be at prime 'Father Christmas' age too?! You'd like them to be opening all the presents that day so that IL's presents do not get tossed to one side a day later (because they have other presents to compare them to )

But you'd love to visit them between Christmas and New Year.

Sorted.

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2014 13:22

OP it is REALLy clear from your post that your in-laws use favouritism to divide and rule. They did it with your DP and his siblings, now they've started with your kids.

Do you want your ds2 to grow up being 'the bad one'? Of course not.

Your DP is afraid to challenge his parents about blatent favouritism. That speaks volumes.

It needs to stop, and stop now but this is likely to be very difficult. Maybe post on the Relationships board - I've seen quite a few posts like this on there and you'll get really good advice.

DeWe · 02/01/2014 13:22

It may just be a continuation of "he's too young". You see, he does still seem so young and innocent next to ds1, and they may just not realise that he would notice.
I know that, even to me, I can think with dc3 (age 6) "oh he's too young to know about that", and when I think about it, with dc1, I was expecting her to know and understand the same thing by age 3yo.

The problem with giving dc2 the extra presents from you, is that if dc1 notices, he could think that's a sign you favour dc2.

If your ILs are reasonable people, then having a quick word may work. Mentioning that dc2 was very aware of presents and how you know that next year you need to make sure they have similar number as you don't want one to have more presents than the other, because you don't want one to feel left out, do you

The other thing to do, (I'm guessing you have two boys) is just pretend you assume that all the presents for them are joint. And share them out evenly. If they say "oh but that was for dc1" you can come back with "oh I didn't realise, have you put dc2's present out, I can't see it". Thus calling them publically on the unfairness. If they admit they haven't got one for dc2, then respond with, "oh then it's fair if we share them out," pretend you think they'll obviously agree with that.

Justforlaughs · 02/01/2014 13:23

Tbh, I think that YOU need to speak to Ils about it now, and rearrange your visit on Boxing Day, unless they agree to change. Or just say that you want your DCs to open all their presents on Christmas Day.

Original poster

UnfairlyMary · 02/01/2014 13:23

I couldnt agree more phantom

It added salt to the wound that they spent more on DC1 but it wouldnt have mattered nearly as much had they just had an even amount of presents.

She always emails me what to get for the kids, so I was thinking next year saying something like

"Its up to you the kids will be happy with what you get, what we try and do is just keep the amount of toys between the kids even and they are happy."

How does that sound?

OP posts:

Summerblaze · 02/01/2014 13:25

YANBU

I said before DC that I would always spend the same on them when it comes to xmas presents but as I have such large age gaps (9, 6 and 1), that is impossible as 9 yo stuff costs way more than baby toys. The little ones don't understand price anyway so I stopped that idea.

However, they do get around the same number of presents to unwrap (well, maybe not DS2 this year but definitely next year when he has more of an idea).

FWIW, my IL's possibly spends more on my DN but my DC don't know this as we unwrap their presents separately.

CombineBananaFister · 02/01/2014 13:42

It's really hard to manage if you have to open all the presents together, could you maybe buy less for one and more for the other to overcompensate and so that they get the same amount of total gifts but without them knowing who bought what IYKSWIM? Although that could just get messy and lead to more problems

We have this year round with the disparity between GCs gifts bought by MIL/FIL and given out infront of everyone with Ds being the 'forgotten' one.

I have been at their house with the SILS/BILS and all the kids and gifts handed out from holidays/carboots/shopping trips to all the Gcs except Ds with the 'oh there wasn't really anything for him, he's too young' and the classic 'Oh sorry combine, we didn't realise you'd be here '. Ds is 4 btw - the others are 5,5,8 but are her own DDs children whereas I'm the DIL so maybe that's it? Personally It's their money and it's a reflection on their morals not ours, still DH gets hurt - I care less, Ds cares even less so am lucky.

I guess there's not much you can do and you'll not be able to protect your Ds forever if it is favouritism so the conversation will need to take place with them at some time. Am bracing myself for the same thing.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/01/2014 13:43

I really think your DH needs to stand up for his son tbh!
We have had similar recently and I have had to really push DH to do the same thing, its hard - but his DCs feelings trump his parents, or even his own for that matter!

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/01/2014 13:54

She always emails me what to get for the kids, so I was thinking next year saying something like...

No. Tell them exactly what both of the kids want, and make sure each is the same value - send them links and say 'they would love it if you could get them this for 1 and this for 2', unless I hear otherwise I'll assume you manage to get those things - thanks'

Sukebind · 02/01/2014 13:57

I don't really feel this is likely to be the case but here goes...
Is it possible there is some weird underlying 'perfectly reasonable' reason for all this? A relative of ours recently divulged that they give many more presents to one of our DC because they are godparent as well as blood relation to that DC and felt that otherwise the DC might be missing out elsewhere presentwise. i.e. other DC whose godparents are not also relatives might get an extra gift (e.g. 3 instead o 2). Does that make sense?
You could have knocked me down with a feather! I had sort of noticed an inequality in present quantity/cost but I am not really one to bother about such things, neither are my DC and I didn't feel slighted in any way on their behalf. As a result, we have sorted it all sort amicably and there won't be a problem in the future.
Hoping OP's problems just might have a similar non-spiteful origin...

babyicebean · 02/01/2014 14:00

Is your husband the younger brother?

Floralnomad · 02/01/2014 14:02

Sorry but I think your husband needs to speak to them about it ,whatever the reason it will carry on unless someone tells them . If you tell them what to buy they will probably still buy extra for the older one . If your husband won't tell them then you need to ,but make sure he knows that you are going to do it .

FrysChocolateCream · 02/01/2014 14:10

Your email sounds so unassertive and really unclear because the first thing you are saying is negating everything you actually are feeling.

I think the gps are behaving attrociously too and it is such a shame that your dh is allowing this. It might help him to ask himself what he is afraid of and to really look at that.

I echo Suke regarding a possible reason. The thing is, you could ask via email, or face to face, very calmly, is there a reason for their inequality with the gifts? Because you thought there must be something you hadn't thought of? Very innocently and oh so politely of course.

Surely, if you can find a way to tell them very clearly that dc2 noticed he had a fifth of the presents his brother had, and felt upset and left out, what the hell can they possibly say, except, hopefully, oh yes of course, we shall be decent human beings more careful next time.

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