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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to not want to share all my gadgets?

72 replies

ThisLittlePiggyStayedHome · 01/01/2014 23:33

This is a genuine, but pretty lighthearted question, about something that I know doesn't matter very much in the scheme of things. But I'm curious about what other couples consider 'normal' so I'm asking.

When it comes to gadgety devices, like i-pods, laptops, tablets, kindles... if you're married or living with a DP, do you each have your own or do you share one between you?

For context, DH (of six years) is very lovely and we're happy. He does much more housework than I do, an equal amount of childcare, but works far fewer hours at his paid job and earns much less than I do. This is fine, as between us we can afford our living expenses and a few treats just about . Our money is 'ours', there's no dividing line, but he spends very little and I always have to convince him that he really should meet his friends for that pint, or we really should take this holiday, or go out for that meal, or splurge on something fun that dc don't really need. I think we both know we complement each other in this way: he makes sure we don't actually spend more than we can afford, I make sure we don't always prioritise frugality over family fun.

So, to the point: I have a laptop and an i-pod, both of which I bought for myself years ago, when we were only dating. I also now have a smartphone with internet capability. DH has none of the above, so what has been the norm in our house for years now is that we have "the laptop" which we share, "the ipod" which we share, and my phone, which DH uses to surf the net if I'm on the laptop.

And for some reason, this grates on me. I think of laptops, i-pods, and phones as personal devices, and would really like to have gadgets like that which are all mine. I get disproportionately annoyed when I can't find the i-pod and it's in DH's coat pocket. And while I don't have anything on the laptop that's secret or anything, I do like to use it for things that feel personal and just for me. Examples would be bits of creative writing, [bad] poetry, recording snippets of dreams and recollections about loved ones who have died, that kind of thing. I would like to be able to google things without thinking about clearing my history after or having it in the back of my mind that DH might wonder why I'm looking up dragon butter or blue waffle ;) , or house prices in some far-flung place, when really I'm just messing around or daydreaming (about relocating, not about blue waffle). For some reason not having my laptop be a bit of private space for me alone really irritates, despite the fact that I could joke with / discuss any of the above wtih DH and the fact that I have absolutely no reason to think that he ever goes poking around in my documents or browsing history. I don't really mind the surfing on the smartphone thing, but just feel a bit eye-rolly that not even my mobile phone is just mine alone.

So, I asked DH if he thought he might like a laptop of his own, or an i-pod, or a phone upgrade, for Christmas. He looked at me like I was mad, because "we already have an ipod, a laptop, and a smartphone!" And so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable / foolishly careless with our money for thinking that we could each have a laptop, and an i-pod, and a smartphone Confused . Isn't that what most couples do?!

I realise the solution if he doesn't want 'his own' is to go get myself a new gadget and let him have the old one to himself, but he genuinely thinks it's crazy to pay for two when we're married and can share. And points out that we'd have to pay more for internet access, because currently we don't have wifi in the house, but a mobile dongle thingy for the laptop, which I need because I use it for postgraduate work and need to be able to use it in different locations. The fact that I use the laptop for studies and work is another thing: it's not that he ever complains when I tell him to please close his fantasy football page and hand it over I need it, but I just don't like even having to ask to use my own laptop.

Sorry for the length of this, just wanted to give context in order to avoid giving the impression that he's some kind of freeloader or that I'm resentful of him beyond resenting his greasy fingerprints on my touchscreen ;) or that there are trust issues between us, etc. We just have a difference of opinion on whether it's normal or extravagant to have one laptop (i-pod, tablet, kindle, whatever) per adult in the house.

So, do you each have your own or do you share? And am I being unreasonable / selfish / ridiculous? Thanks :)

OP posts:
FracturedViewOfLife · 01/01/2014 23:37

We each have out own laptops, phones, kindles, cameras and tablets. I would hate to share a laptop with DP.

NinjaBunny · 01/01/2014 23:42

No, we have our own things.

Depends on the couple.

A few older couples I know share a mobile phone and computer.

However, my dad knew a couple who shared FALSE TEETH.

ChubbyKitty · 01/01/2014 23:43

Yanbu, we have our own iPhones and our own laptops and our own ereaders. DP has an iPod(I don't see why I need one, with an iPhone..). The only gadgety things we share are games consoles and tv, because they're more out in the open iyswim?

If I ever manage to get an iPad it won't be shared. It'll have all my photos and music and whatnot so DP probably wouldn't be interested!

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces · 01/01/2014 23:44

DH and I have our own phones (which are fully available for each other to use if needed), and share all electronic gadgets.

We see everything as joint, and prefer it that way. I kind of see your DP's point, although on the other hand, there is nothing wrong with your point of view either.

If it really bothers you, I would get a second laptop.

flipchart · 01/01/2014 23:45

Me, DH and the 2 boys all have our own smart phone, iPad, iPod, and lap tops.
That said I'm not bothered if DH picks my iPod up and he doesn't give a shit if I take his.

Sometimes he takes my iPad to go through FB. Annoyingly he won't sign up but is happy to see what's happening! I don't care.

He doesn't bother if I answer his phone or take his messages if he has gone out of the room when they come in.

We are pretty relaxed about stuff.

FredFredGeorge · 01/01/2014 23:45

Everything but the ipod would be a private device for me, so none of those are shared.

You wouldn't actually need to pay more for internet access, you can likely share the dongle's connection from your laptop, or you could buy a very cheap wireless router to share it (~30quid at most)

AwfulMaureen · 01/01/2014 23:45

Yanbu. Just get one....my DH and I are not well off but we would NEVER have "the laptop" as it's not NORMAL! Grin My sister's family have "the laptop" and sometimes, on the phone, I will say "Just google this and have a look" and she'll reply "Oh I can't....DD is on the laptop" and I'm like Shock well kick her off! She's 9!

Theas18 · 01/01/2014 23:47

The gadgets are all miiine I say!

Actually dh now has his own selection too, I've dragged him into the 21st century! Actually he's never borrowed them much as he's always had a laptop really. Smart phone and hudl new in 2013. And he's not sure how he managed before lol

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 01/01/2014 23:47

Hell no, we don't share and each have our own. He tends to loose or break stuff, I don't Grin. Although my laptop is out for him to use if need be (he doesn't!), it's also very personal with all my stuff on it, so would hate anyone messing with it.

Fairyneuf · 01/01/2014 23:47

We each have our own. Much as I love him, my gadgets are not for sharing.

AlpacaPicnic · 01/01/2014 23:48

Hmm... It seems to work in our house that 'portable' things - laptop, iPad, iPod are belonging to one person and fixed things - desktop computer etc are 'ours'

I couldn't share an ipod with DH - his tastes in music and mine are so very different and we need to use them at similar times... Walking to work etc? I don't begrudge him using my laptop or my iPad but the understanding is that they are mine. Such as his gaming machines - DS, PSP etc are his. I wouldn't use them without asking and I wouldn't know how anyway!

NoComet · 01/01/2014 23:49

YANBU
DH has just got reading glasses, he can now read small screens.

I've just picked up my Kindle to find several sodding electronic site tabs open.

Get off it's mine!

Nessalina · 01/01/2014 23:50

I have an iPhone, an iPod shuffle for gym music/car, a Kindle, and a laptop. All purchased with my money or given to me as gifts. DH has an iPhone, and a desktop computer.
The computer is sort of 'ours' because he bought parts for it out of joint money, but it's mostly his, I just use to print stuff occasionally or to back up my stuff.

I don't mind him using my laptop for school work if we're away (he's a teacher), but whilst we were having our spare room redecorated he used my laptop a lot because his PC was out of action, and that really annoyed me coz he kept installing stuff on it, and I couldn't always use it when I wanted too... It also really annoys me when he uses my Kindle, even if I don't want to use it, just because he could read Kindle books on his iPhone if he wanted.

Long explanation, but no, YABU to want to have your own devices. Especially the phone!! I have private stuff on mine, and I like a bit of my own space! But you will seem mean if you won't let him use them, so really your only option is to buy him his own ones, especially if he couldn't/wouldn't buy them himself. Sort out another dongle, or sort wifi, it's cheap these days, and I think its worth it so you're not resenting him.

RubyGoat · 01/01/2014 23:51

YANBU. DH has an old, 2nd hand laptop that won't go on the net unless we use a cable. We've got a PC that's about 11 years old & doesn't work properly because he's filled it with his enormous music collection & I have a smartphone. DH doesn't want a smartphone, has refused one several times yet he continually pinches mine thereby restricting my access to MN

I'm saving up for a tablet or my own laptop. It will be mine. We do have an ipod each though, due to the aforementioned music collection. He has nearly filled it. It's the biggest ipod available!

Nessalina · 01/01/2014 23:51

Sorry, meant YANBU!!

NoComet · 01/01/2014 23:51

My Dab radio also walks from the kitchen, mostly he asks, which is fine.

However, he doesn't return it, which is absolutely not fine Angry

LilMissSunshine9 · 01/01/2014 23:55

You could set up two user accounts on the laptop each with your own passwords, that way you have your privacy without having to buy a new laptop.

ceeveebee · 01/01/2014 23:59

We share our laptop and ipad (with separate email accounts) but each have our own iPhone. Phones seem much more personal to me than a laptop.

TidyDancer · 01/01/2014 23:59

I have no problem with DP looking at whatever is on my iPhone or iPad, but they are definitely not shared devices and he has his own of both. I would get annoyed if he declared them as communal!

ThisLittlePiggyStayedHome · 02/01/2014 00:00

Thanks for the replies :) I'm so glad the consensus is that IANBU! It does make me feel a bit mean and petty to not want to share because DH isn't territorial about stuff in the slightest so I really don't think he gets why it bothers me.

NinjaBunny , if when we're old and grey he ever suggests that I have my dinner first so he can use "our teeth" after, I will know it's time to pack up my dentures and gadgets and LTB! Grin

OP posts:
Sunflower49 · 02/01/2014 00:00

YANBU, that would drive me nuts having to ask to use something that's mine.
I see where he's coming from in a way, but it seems he doesn't understand. I too use my netbook for personal stuff and although I don't have anything sinister to hide, I wouldn't like DP using it for the same reasons you mention!

Try explaining it to him in a way that he understands that won't hurt his feelings if that's something you're worried about.

threepiecesuite · 02/01/2014 00:03

Separate gadgets here, with 'communal' laptop and iTouch as he won it at work and we don't listen to loads of music so just use it as and when.

Nagoo · 02/01/2014 00:05

It drives me insane when files are not where I left them, or settings are changed, or anything like that.

I hate sharing. Nothing to do with hiding anything and everything to do with my having things as I like them.

lessonsintightropes · 02/01/2014 00:05

I have just bought DH a laptop so he will stop using mine as it drives me nuts to have to ask to use my own - YANBU.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 02/01/2014 00:07

YANBU - they are mine, all mine. I don't do sharing of 'gadgets' - like you say, it's inconvenient & it's 'private space'. Like you, there's nothing on mine that would make anyone Hmm but it's a bit like a diary - just private. I would also hate anyone else to read my messages if they came through and I wasn't in the room - they too are private.

I think you just need to show him this thread or talk to him, tell him exactly what you said on here. It's perfectly reasonable, even if he doesn't feel the same.

Frankly, I'd have bought one of us 'new gadgets' LONG before now... or he'd be under the patio Xmas Grin

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