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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to not want to share all my gadgets?

72 replies

ThisLittlePiggyStayedHome · 01/01/2014 23:33

This is a genuine, but pretty lighthearted question, about something that I know doesn't matter very much in the scheme of things. But I'm curious about what other couples consider 'normal' so I'm asking.

When it comes to gadgety devices, like i-pods, laptops, tablets, kindles... if you're married or living with a DP, do you each have your own or do you share one between you?

For context, DH (of six years) is very lovely and we're happy. He does much more housework than I do, an equal amount of childcare, but works far fewer hours at his paid job and earns much less than I do. This is fine, as between us we can afford our living expenses and a few treats just about . Our money is 'ours', there's no dividing line, but he spends very little and I always have to convince him that he really should meet his friends for that pint, or we really should take this holiday, or go out for that meal, or splurge on something fun that dc don't really need. I think we both know we complement each other in this way: he makes sure we don't actually spend more than we can afford, I make sure we don't always prioritise frugality over family fun.

So, to the point: I have a laptop and an i-pod, both of which I bought for myself years ago, when we were only dating. I also now have a smartphone with internet capability. DH has none of the above, so what has been the norm in our house for years now is that we have "the laptop" which we share, "the ipod" which we share, and my phone, which DH uses to surf the net if I'm on the laptop.

And for some reason, this grates on me. I think of laptops, i-pods, and phones as personal devices, and would really like to have gadgets like that which are all mine. I get disproportionately annoyed when I can't find the i-pod and it's in DH's coat pocket. And while I don't have anything on the laptop that's secret or anything, I do like to use it for things that feel personal and just for me. Examples would be bits of creative writing, [bad] poetry, recording snippets of dreams and recollections about loved ones who have died, that kind of thing. I would like to be able to google things without thinking about clearing my history after or having it in the back of my mind that DH might wonder why I'm looking up dragon butter or blue waffle ;) , or house prices in some far-flung place, when really I'm just messing around or daydreaming (about relocating, not about blue waffle). For some reason not having my laptop be a bit of private space for me alone really irritates, despite the fact that I could joke with / discuss any of the above wtih DH and the fact that I have absolutely no reason to think that he ever goes poking around in my documents or browsing history. I don't really mind the surfing on the smartphone thing, but just feel a bit eye-rolly that not even my mobile phone is just mine alone.

So, I asked DH if he thought he might like a laptop of his own, or an i-pod, or a phone upgrade, for Christmas. He looked at me like I was mad, because "we already have an ipod, a laptop, and a smartphone!" And so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable / foolishly careless with our money for thinking that we could each have a laptop, and an i-pod, and a smartphone Confused . Isn't that what most couples do?!

I realise the solution if he doesn't want 'his own' is to go get myself a new gadget and let him have the old one to himself, but he genuinely thinks it's crazy to pay for two when we're married and can share. And points out that we'd have to pay more for internet access, because currently we don't have wifi in the house, but a mobile dongle thingy for the laptop, which I need because I use it for postgraduate work and need to be able to use it in different locations. The fact that I use the laptop for studies and work is another thing: it's not that he ever complains when I tell him to please close his fantasy football page and hand it over I need it, but I just don't like even having to ask to use my own laptop.

Sorry for the length of this, just wanted to give context in order to avoid giving the impression that he's some kind of freeloader or that I'm resentful of him beyond resenting his greasy fingerprints on my touchscreen ;) or that there are trust issues between us, etc. We just have a difference of opinion on whether it's normal or extravagant to have one laptop (i-pod, tablet, kindle, whatever) per adult in the house.

So, do you each have your own or do you share? And am I being unreasonable / selfish / ridiculous? Thanks :)

OP posts:
AlyssInAManger · 02/01/2014 00:08

DP has a gaming computer that I use when he's at work, he has an I pad and a smartphone. I have a crap laptop and a smartphone. We don't tend to share, but we will sometimes.

ThisLittlePiggyStayedHome · 02/01/2014 00:09

FredFredGeorge thanks for the information on internet access, I'll look into it!

LilMissSunshine thanks for that advice too. But the thing is that I do totally trust him, and I'm trustworthy too, so setting up passwords just seems like I'd be making a point to him that I don't feel the need to make (though I understand that my examples about personal things in my documents might make it sound like that's the main issue). It's not that he doesn't respect my privacy, it's just that I WANT MY OWN TOYS .

He'll be sitting on the couch surfing the net, and I'll tell him I need the laptop to do some work (true). So he hands it over agreeably enough, but then after working for awhile, I might want to check FB or MN or have a browse around myself before getting stuck back in, and then if he glances over I feel self-conscious about not doing anything more important than he was doing, even if he says nothing about it Confused.

Once we're through the lean early months of the year, I am going to look for a new laptop for myself. And then get him an i-pod for his birthday in the summer. He will raise an eyebrow but go along with it, he's good like that :)

OP posts:
Caboodle · 02/01/2014 00:10

We share everything (laptop / Ipad / Ipod etc) but phones are our own ....still swop if one has charge and the other doesn't iyswim though. Share most of the gadgets with the DCs too. I would consider 2 or 3 x everything to be a waste of money and too much clutter.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps · 02/01/2014 00:14

We have our own iPhones but share an iPod and a laptop that originally started life as DH's but then we got rid of mine so that's why we share.

JumpingJackSprat · 02/01/2014 00:16

My dp uses "my" laptop but we have our own phones. Two password protected user areas so our stuff is kept private. I wouldn't expect dp to go buy his own laptop oruse his shit old one. That's pretty selfish.

Lottiedoubtie · 02/01/2014 00:19

We each use our own.

DH got something up on mine the other day (via searching my emails) and then GAVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO READ.

It was all totally innocuous and obviously I didn't say anything out loud for fear of sounding like a mad person

But internally I was fuming at the intrusion of privacy!

slightlyglitterstained · 02/01/2014 00:27

I think I'd find it very difficult to do work stuff if I couldn't leave tabs or documents open to come back to later w/o someone else's stuff appearing over the top of it. Would definitely suggest setting up multiple user accounts.

DP and I both have Macbook Pros, and have accounts set up for each other on our machines just in case, but rarely use them. When we do, it's really quick to switch.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 02/01/2014 00:34

I couldn't share mine, DH is welcomed to use my iphone or iPad as long as he don't mess with settings.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 02/01/2014 08:40

YANBU we have our own laptops but Dh prefers his ipad and even then we manage to annoy each other about who gets to use the pc in the kitchen. However beware the more devices you have - the more time you spend on them !

driftmayhem · 02/01/2014 08:49

We have lots of gadgets here and don't share at all - I have my own PC and Mac, ipad, smartphone and kindle; DH has a tablet, smartphone, netbook, kindle and PC, DS has his own laptop, ipod and smartphone. The question of sharing has never come up as a lot of the devices were given for free (through work/study) but I'd definitely consider phones and PCs as personal devices and wouldn't consider sharing.

34DD · 02/01/2014 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slh122 · 02/01/2014 10:04

YANBU.
We both have our own laptops and iPhones - I'd hate to share, purely for the inconvenience!
However DP's laptop is much nicer/faster than mine so sometimes I have a go on his while he's at work Grin
We're looking at getting an iPad which will be a shared device, although only because I'm going on maternity leave in a couple of weeks. Otherwise we'd probably get one each.

Wherediparkmybroom · 02/01/2014 10:08

I have my own kindle dh not really a reader, we share my I pad( present from dh) we both have our own work laptops, the only I pod in the house belongs to ds 7.

Hassled · 02/01/2014 10:16

We have our own gadgets, and a shared family PC. And I feel exactly as you do about my laptop - it's MY laptop. I think when you cohabit with someone you end up sharing so much - your space, your routines, your food etc - that actual tangible personal things become overly-important.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/01/2014 10:24

We have our own gadgets, and a family PC.

I genuinely don't understand how you can share a phone. It is your phone! If he wants something to access the internet on then he needs to get a tablet.

CandyCanesWhipsandChains · 02/01/2014 10:26

I have my kindle and laptop and phone and dh has his own..love him to bits but they are mine and he knows all the passwords.

FourArms · 02/01/2014 10:37

We have a shared family computer.

DH & I have work laptops, our own iPhones and a shared ipad. Although I bought the ipad so it wouldn't leave the house with DH. DH also has an iPod (as does DS1 but he seldom uses it).

Anyone in the house (DH, DS2 & 1 and I) will use the computer, ipad or iPhones. Adults take precedence over children and work or study takes precedence over play.

No-one else uses the work laptops though.

Works fine here :)

DidoTheDodo · 02/01/2014 10:39

We share a laptop (originally mine) but everything else is sole ownership/usage.

We each have password protected log in on the laptop though so things are kept separate. The only issue comes if we both want to work from home (very rarely happens) when I tend to get priority as it is my laptop!

bragmatic · 02/01/2014 10:42

We share, but I see your point.

bragmatic · 02/01/2014 10:43

Oh, my iPhone is mine though.

SaltySeaBird · 02/01/2014 10:44

We have our own smart phones, share an iPad and until recently both had a desktop PC each but now he has a laptop instead which I use fairly frequently!

seafoodudon · 02/01/2014 10:48

Two laptops as both have them for work, each have own smartphone, each also have own tablet - though his is much better as it has lovefilm so I often ask to borrow this if he's going away overnight. Neither of us is particularly possessive about our own things and of course we swap about if a device is faulty, or one of us has something to hand to look something up quickly on etc BUT both 'need' our own space with our own saved files etc and both work a lot in the evenings so couldn't share.

Might be worth looking at wifi connections from home, as I would have thought a lot of internet browsing on a dongle/mobile would be expensive? Wifi also likely to be much quicker for streaming tv etc?

Also, if your dh is mainly just browsing he wouldn't need a laptop. You could just get him a tablet like the Kindle Fire, which is fab and not too expensive, or a netbook - which would let him do little bits of word processing if useful, but not nearly as expensive as a laptop?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 02/01/2014 10:49

yanbu

we both have our own smart phones, I pods, laptops and tablets.

we know each others passwords and at this moment in time dp is on my tablet because he wanted to Google something but he's is upstairs and I'm mn on his phone because my battery died so I grabbed his.

picnicbasketcase · 02/01/2014 10:56

Normal to share a desktop pc, fairly normal ish to share a laptop. Sharing iPods or phones is very odd in my opinion.

DixieGoesToHollywood · 02/01/2014 11:04

Absolutely no fucking way am I sharing my phone or iPad (don't have laptop). Never, ever, ever. I am usually very good at sharing but they are MINE I tell you!!

Get what you mean about the internet history as well, I have nothing to hide from DP but it would feel like she was leading through my thoughts! I like my privacy in some respects and I google very very weird things Grin

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