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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take away DD's money

38 replies

Starsandstripeysocks · 01/01/2014 18:13

About 6 months ago I noticed DD (14) was putting on quite a bit of weight. I thought she doesn't eat too bad for a teen and does exercise a bit, so just handled it by cooking healthy meals for all family, making sure there was healthy snacks available, got DD to start coming swimming with me, bought her a bike and wii ect, didn't make a big thing about it as she can be quite sensitive. Yet DD still gaining a lot of weight, a bit confused. But about 2 months ago I was sorting out her school bag and found a lot of McDonald wrappers, crisps and chocolate wrappers, I mentioned it to her and she confessed she gets Mcdonalds every morning before school without fail, eats about 3 packets of crisps, four chocolate bars and a big bag of sweets for lunch everyday, throws away the lunch I make her, goes to the chip shop on way home from school and snacks on her room all night. Had a deep convo with her about this, she certain that the only reason she's been eating this much is because she's hungry, I take her to the doctors, he says nothing wrong with her just big appetite. She then says she will cut down on crap food but then she starts being sneaky about it, find empty wrappers, my friends DD works at our local Mcdonalds and says DD has started going in there twice a day. Keep trying to talk to her, she just doesn't want to know, getting moody and defensive about it, got referred to counselling she refuses to go. Acting up in school and now she's over 3 stone over weight. Now we only keep healthy food in the house, no junk what so ever, she buys the junk with her own money, she gets £15 a week from ex and £10 from exs mum and dad, i've stopped giving her money and told own family to stop giving her money and they agreed. Have asked ex and ex parents to stop giving her money but they refused even though they know the situation. I'm thinking about just taking the money off her and putting it in a savings bond, have brought up the idea to ex and parents but they refused and said she should be able to spend the money right now as she already has savings. Can I just do it anyway? So stressed out.

OP posts:

Rosencrantz · 01/01/2014 18:15

I wouldn't take her money.

But I would be forcing her to get fit.

Twitterqueen · 01/01/2014 18:16

Oh my goodness. This must be so difficult for you. I don't know what to advise but from your post you seem to be doing fantastic so far.

Maybe go back to your GP? This really doesn't sound normal to me, though I know nothing (aside from mother or 3 x DDs.

Bluecarrot · 01/01/2014 18:17

Maybe you could sit her down and go through the calories involved in the food she eats and come up with an exercise plan? My leisure center had junior gym memberships from age 14.

Are things generally amicable and stable with ex dude if family? Could she be attention seeking ( even subconsciously?)

Bluecarrot · 01/01/2014 18:17

Dude = side!

JumpingJackSprat · 01/01/2014 18:17

I would have a talk with her and stress the health implications of what she is doing and that you want to help her. And ask her to voluntarily give her money over to you and you will put it in a separate savings account for her. Then she will be able to see the effect of not buying all that stuff she will have £100 a month to spend as she pleases or to save for her future. It will behugely difficult for her to break these habits once they are entrenched she needs help now.

sooperdooper · 01/01/2014 18:18

Why have they refused? Have they given any reason?

LIZS · 01/01/2014 18:19

She sounds unhappy :( Could you agree she takes a different route to school, avoiding Mc D's . does she exercise/walk ? Is there anyone she could confide in at school ?

Shakenbakep · 01/01/2014 18:20

What utter arseholes your ex and his family are.

I would be telling them that, yes she has a savings account, but she also might get diabetes/bullied/other health problems as well!

I would first try to find out if their are any problems she's not telling you about that are making her comfort eat.

Then take the money, and let her spend it at the weekends only, she gets the money at the time like her dad's family want, yet doesn't get to gorge herself all week.

GlitzAndGiggles · 01/01/2014 18:21

My brother used to be a secret eater and took him to a nutritionist who wasn't really much help. Is there any way you can take her to school on a morning to prevent her going in mcd's?

HairyGrotter · 01/01/2014 18:22

I'd bet my last Burger King whopper that her over eating and weight gain is 'emotional/psychological'

See the GP about counselling. Tackle the mind before the stomach

JumpingJackSprat · 01/01/2014 18:23

I agree go through the calorie, fat, sugat content of all the food she is eating per week. Then contrast with what she should be eating. Maybe encourage her to eat more foods that will fill her up for longer. Don't make food into the enemy but it sounds like a control issue.

Daffodilly · 01/01/2014 18:24

No expert, but I'd guess there is some reason beyond hunger that is causing her to eat like this. Is there something she's unhappy about?

Can you find ways to educate her about healthy food choices? Up her intake of good nutritious filling meals and slow release carbs to ensure she is nourished. Would GP refer you to a dietician for help and guidance?

Must be v frustrating but I don't think taking her money will solve root problem. Just make her more angry/upset. Could you work on a reward/savings plan that sees her save her money to spend on treats that boost her self-esteem and image - maybe new clothes, manicure together, outing she'd enjoy. Agree target and you'll match what she saves towards it so a good incentive? (Assuming you can afford this).

You sound like a lovely caring and concerned mum. Good luck.

NoComet · 01/01/2014 18:25

Do school have councillors?

I think she really does need to talk to someone, that's comfort eating not hunger.

trashcanjunkie · 01/01/2014 18:29

I really feel for you op, but speaking as a person who has battled with weight and binge eating and junk food, I have to warn you that your approach may only alienate your dd further. I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all, you sound amazing, but be under no illusions about what you are dealing with here.... Serious addiction. She will find a way to access those foods, unless she wants to change for herself. I would look at other ways of boosting her self esteem, and educate yourself about supporting a relaive with an addiction. So sorry for your family.

trashcanjunkie · 01/01/2014 18:34

*relative

trashcanjunkie · 01/01/2014 18:36

and I would re-instate her dosh. Give her free access to the foods, as feeling restricted (even though she clearly isn't) will drive it more.

CakenTea · 01/01/2014 18:38

Hi stars, I agree with a lot of the other posters that there is likely to be more to this than "just hungry"- and if there are issues with self esteem, then be careful not to seem that you are "punishing" your daughter by taking away her money, it may compound feelings that she is not good enough somehow.

However taking control could be a really good thing if it's framed as a positive action- saving up for something special perhaps.

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job, just remember that she is very young, so she might find it hard to express how she is feeling, and deny that there is anything wrong. Be kind, patient and open, and I am sure you can resolve it together.

Sirzy · 01/01/2014 18:38

Taking the money away won't tackle the root of the problem, I fully understand WHY you want to do that but that is simply taking another thing out of her control so could make the wider issues much worse.

I agree with others you really need to persuade her to seek further help, make sure she knows she can talk to you and you will help and support her.

Perhaps she could be encouraged to start saving the money for something special? Might help slightly but obviously won't tackle the wider issue

CakenTea · 01/01/2014 18:42

Can you tell us a bit more about her? What is her home life l

technicallychallenged · 01/01/2014 18:42

I used to do something very similar at her age until I was 19. Looking back I was probably a bit depressed and it almost felt like a rebellion against my mum and the control she had over everything. My mum tried everything to make me stop honest conversations, shouting removing treats but nothing really worked I just became secretive and tried to hide it more.
I wouldn't take money off her, My mum did that to me and I just stole from her and looked around the house for money instead.

Try talking to her again about counselling not in a 'there is something wrong with her way' but as a way to boost her confidence type way. Ask her to try it just one to see if she likes it. At 14 she probably already knows what foods are good and bad for her. But you could explain to her how long it takes to burn junk food off.

I did stop in the end, but it took awhile and it was really on my terms rather than anything my mum really did. I also had to gain some self confidence and belief in myself which really helped.

CakenTea · 01/01/2014 18:44

Sorry posted too early! What is her home life like? Friends an interests? Is she shy or extroverted? Does she share feelings easily?

Timetoask · 01/01/2014 18:51

You've done so well until now OP!
I think you need to go back to the GP without dd and tell him if he didn't find anything physical then you are dealing with addiction and you need a referral to deal with it.
Could you also book an appointment with a nutritionist that can explain to her the consequences of her eating habit?

ParenthoodJourney · 01/01/2014 19:38

The bad choices of food such as mcdonalds can be creating a cycle for her as we all know when we eat rubbish we feel rubbish!

I know she has turned down counselling but is there anyway you can come up with an agreement with her that she will at least try it. When I was 13 I had a lot going on and my mum suggested I see someone she knew personally who was also a psychologist - I was embarrassed and reluctant at first but we came up with an agreement and I spent a day with the lady and it changed a lot for me talking to someone who wasn't involved in my home life and she also helped me come up with healthy but tasty meals.

Dancergirl · 01/01/2014 19:46

I know there is much more to it than the money but..... £25 per week?? Really?? That's an awful lot of money, no wonder she can afford to buy so much junk. My dd is a bit younger and gets £15 per MONTH, I think that's pretty standard.

Yes of course you have to get to the root of the problem but in the meantime can you suggest to your ex rather than stop her money altogether, can he give her an amount more in line with her friends?

RuinedEverything · 01/01/2014 19:55

Something is making her eat like this. Being bullied at school maybe? A problem at home?

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