To take away DD's money

[Starsandstripeysocks]

About 6 months ago I noticed DD (14) was putting on quite a bit of weight. I thought she doesn't eat too bad for a teen and does exercise a bit, so just handled it by cooking healthy meals for all family, making sure there was healthy snacks available, got DD to start coming swimming with me, bought her a bike and wii ect, didn't make a big thing about it as she can be quite sensitive. Yet DD still gaining a lot of weight, a bit confused. But about 2 months ago I was sorting out her school bag and found a lot of McDonald wrappers, crisps and chocolate wrappers, I mentioned it to her and she confessed she gets Mcdonalds every morning before school without fail, eats about 3 packets of crisps, four chocolate bars and a big bag of sweets for lunch everyday, throws away the lunch I make her, goes to the chip shop on way home from school and snacks on her room all night. Had a deep convo with her about this, she certain that the only reason she's been eating this much is because she's hungry, I take her to the doctors, he says nothing wrong with her just big appetite. She then says she will cut down on crap food but then she starts being sneaky about it, find empty wrappers, my friends DD works at our local Mcdonalds and says DD has started going in there twice a day. Keep trying to talk to her, she just doesn't want to know, getting moody and defensive about it, got referred to counselling she refuses to go. Acting up in school and now she's over 3 stone over weight. Now we only keep healthy food in the house, no junk what so ever, she buys the junk with her own money, she gets £15 a week from ex and £10 from exs mum and dad, i've stopped giving her money and told own family to stop giving her money and they agreed. Have asked ex and ex parents to stop giving her money but they refused even though they know the situation. I'm thinking about just taking the money off her and putting it in a savings bond, have brought up the idea to ex and parents but they refused and said she should be able to spend the money right now as she already has savings. Can I just do it anyway? So stressed out.

Can she cook? If not teach her. It may give her a better understanding of food and a taste for better stuff. Be a good opportunity to chat without the focus on her weight, might help her open up to you about what's really going on.

She sounds depressed to me tbh and is comfort eating. Back to gp to see if she can get counselling or school might have a programme.
Re money, could you physically take it off her?

Teach her to cook healthy alternatives.

Get her to watch supersize me documentary and other food health documentaries with you. If she is going to eat like this she at least needs to know what she is actually choosing to do to her body.

Education is key. Plus counselling. The food is filling an emotional hole.

Allow her 10 a month and save the rest?

Hi all,
Thanks so much for all replys, was feeling like a bit of a crap mum.
More on DD: She's very outgoing and really confident, well she acts like it anyway. We are really close and she used to tell me everything up until all the sneakiness. When I found out about the over eating in the first place we had a really nice chat and she was really honest about how much she eats, how she's a bit self conscious about gaining weight and seemed like she really wanted to become healthier, we made plans to go swimming bike ride, do exercise videos together, make healthy food ect she was really excited about it all. I thought great problem sorted and then bam she literally turns into a completely different girl overnight. Sneaky, lying, acting up ect. Try talking to her all the time but she all of a sudden doesn't want to know, she just says she can't help she's hungry and goes out slamming the door and off to mcdonalds or corner shop with the money her dad gives her. Her dad and his parents are no help i feel like they are enabling her, he constantly takes her to fast food restaurants and giving her loads of sweets and chocolate to take home with, same with his parents, she is getting bigger and bigger by the day and it is heartbreaking. She refuses counselling, even though I'm trying to make it not seem like a big deal just to have a chat, that she only has to go once and if she doesn't like it doesn't have to go again ect but no she wont. I agree that £25 a week is way too much but ex and his patents are quite well off and they insist she needs money to become independent. I told her this evening i'm going to start giving her money again but i'd like to take her shopping and chose things with her she likes, she has been wanting her hair dip dyed for ages now and I said i'd take her to a salon to have it done, she just shouted at me to leave her alone and she would get her dad to take her.

she confessed she gets Mcdonalds every morning before school without fail, eats about 3 packets of crisps, four chocolate bars and a big bag of sweets for lunch everyday, throws away the lunch I make her, goes to the chip shop on way home from school and snacks on her room all night.

How much money are you giving her a day? I'm adding that up to between £7 and £10.

It sounds incredibly difficult Stars. It must be very hard for your Dd when you are presenting all these sensible, positive ways for her to change her eating habits and her then her father's family are doing the exact opposite. It's hard to get out of habits like this and if someone is supporting you, enabling as they say, your Dd probably feels as if she'd rather take the easy path and not make the effort. What do his family say when you talk to them about her weight? It must be pretty obvious to them.

Tha is too much money per week for a 14 year old. My DD was only getting £10 per week at that age. She now gets £100 per month (16 now) but needs to budget for school travel, toiletries, gifts etc from that.

I think your idea of putting some of that, say the £15 from your ex into savings then letting her have £10 to spend might be helpful. It isn't tackling her eating habits but at least decreases how much disposable income she has for food.

Would she be open to going to slimming world, they have a special teen programme?

I was a huge over eater as a teen (still am at times) as it makes me happy and is easy to do. The times in my life when I'm not overweight is when I get into exercise and join a slimming group. My cousins girls have really got into kick boxing. Perhaps something with a social side?

Making a big deal is only going to make it worse, she probably is already ashamed. My mum never kept junk food in the house but I would still make cakes in the middle of the night so no one would see me eat. Any mention of what I was eating or people watching me eat made me so embarrassed and binge more when alone.

My mum just let me be, she knew I was struggling. When I turned 16 I hit a wall and decided enough was enough. I joined the gym, discovered spin, step classes ect and then joined a slimming class as I wanted to eat better. All this was my choice though.

A random thought but is she drinking enough. I can eat for Britain if I'm not drinking.

Only she can make the changes. Be supportive, don't mention her weight. Perhaps you could go to the gym together or swimming or try some different classes. Martial arts can be good for building confidence.

OP...I was exactly the same as a teenager. I got money from my dad which I spent at the sweet shop and got bigger and bigger.

I only lost the weight when I was about 16..mainly because I discovered boys and wanted a boyfriend!

No one can ever lose weight unless they want to, no amount of help/support/cajoling will do anything unless she wants to lose weight.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things to help her. I would take the money from her and let her have access to it when you are around to see what she buys. Pack her healthy snacks to have on the way to school instead. I wish someone had stopped me taking money to school as a teenager!

I don't think her dad sees the serious impact this is having on het health, I've tried talking to him trying to get him on side a bit, even though we have our differences I would like to maybe work together with him on this and with his parents. He just shrugs it off, says there is nothing wrong with treats and she's a growing girl that needs to eats, he has always been a big junk food eater but he has a fast metabolism and is slim. I just want to shake him.

I was your dd and at 13 started putting loads of weight on due to spending my lunch money on sweets on the way to school and going to various friends houses on the way home, eating lots of treats then going home and telling my mum I was starving as I hadn't eaten since lunch

During that period there were 2 things that I dreaded -buying clothes and having my hair cut as I had to sit facing a mirror when I was desperately unhappy with myself

My parents tried to talk to me but I hated to focus being on me and felt like I was being ganged up on

OP you cannot fix this for her. She will be well aware what crap she is putting into her body and watching supersize me etc is not going to be a wake up call -she's probably seen it

All you can do is be there when she wants to talk -on her terms

She is addicted to sugar/junk, the more you eat of it the more your body craves it. Over eating and weight gain is pretty much always emotional/psychological.

Sugar is a drug and lights up the same pathways in the brain as cocaine does.

Your DD is always hungry as her body isn't getting enough nutrients so it compels her to eat more in the hope that it's nutrient needs will be met, which won't happen while she is filling herself full of crap, so it's a self defeating circle.

There is nothing more you can do other than what you are currently doing, she has to want it for herself.

I'm going through the same with DD19 and it breaks my heart to see her doing what I did to myself for years and years. No amount of telling/advising will work, until she decides to do it for herself.