to deal with passive aggressive coleague

[aoife24]

I'm not sure this is the right place as I think it WBU to allow it to continue and I've decided that from 2014 onwards I won't tolerate this sort of behaviour.

She's a classic passive aggressive type, sly, catty, underhand, spiteful, malicious remarks but delivered in such a way that it's tricky to call her on them. I want to do just that though.

I don't want to go down the 'did you mean to be so rude' track as to me that too is passive aggressive, and I want keep my cool and calmly beard her, as it were, in response to the next dig.

That she is a colleague isn't that of the essence, PA is PA who ever is dealing it out, but I do obviously have to keep working with her and I don't want to escalate this. I simply need to find a way unequivocally let her know she's been called and that I won't accept her doing this. I would love some advice or ideas on how to do so.

Can you give an example?

Examples?

I'd not do the 'did you mean to be so rude?' either tbh. How about 'that was very rude/unpleasant' - that way you're calling her on her words and not calling her names.

I have a colleague a bit like this. I tend to find that an incredulous look while staying silent will curb her, and if she does carry on, I am overly sympathetic and ask her what's the matter as she doesn't sound very happy. At least in her case, it tends to make her think about the attitude and generally pack it up.

I find the best way is to ask questions about their comment

could you clarify...
could you elaborate...
Did you say...
what do you mean...
Could you give me an example of that...

I find that politely asking them to elaborate on their point often shows up their intent in making it.

Tell us what she is actually doing first.

The incredulous look and silence doesn't work with mine - it just gives her room to harp on louder and hope that other colleagues will hear, as she loves trying to make out that I've done something badly/wrong in front of others, and yet is much more pleasant in private.

Is that what your colleague does, OP? Might be worth calling her out directly on her behaviour.

Laugh at her. She is behaving the way she is to get a certain response from you. So give her something else. Laugh when she makes a malicious comment or if you can't laugh then smile to yourself like you've just heard a private joke.

It will completely throw her off balance and she will move on and find someone else to annoy.

I work with a number of very difficult personalities, it really does work.

Do you work in an office? Is she best buddies with management? Is she the same level as you? Imo it depends on your situation as to how best to deal with her.

Also do you have any examples to give an idea of tone and content?

I 'm not sure it helps giving examples because it's the classic PA thing, on the face of it pretty innocuous but delivered with a bit of topspin and an almost imperceptible malicious gleam. See, I already sound paranoid and that's what makes it so hard to just say 'stop, I know what you're doing'.

Tidy Dancer, I think doing what you suggest is playing her at her own game to be honest. It's avoiding the real issue. My gut instinct is to pull the rug out from under her and expose what she's doing but then I run the risk of looking like a loon and her complaining about me. She's clearly very skilled at this.

Should I take her aside and say something? 'I find x hurtful, upsetting, undermining' But see, it's all camouflaged so not as easy done as said.

I'm getting annoyed at myself for letting her do this and I'm worried I might just lose it with her unless I deal with it.

"... And your point is...?" said in a very benign manner, when someone makes a PA remark, can sometimes be effective.

They really dont know what their point is, right?

I work with someone who is a tad PA but mostly put downs all the time..everything you say will be met with an ...I do better, say better, I always do... etc etc. I even caught two other colleagues saying "God anything you do she has always done better than everyone else" so I know its not me noticing it. She is very good at one liner put downs, and doesn't help she is sort of in charge of me so I have a barrage of dont do x,y,z's do this, all day long, she barks orders at me and I have had raised eyebrows from others think thye are glad its not them anymore.

It is bothering me at work (management admit they know what she is like) and could be the decider as to whether I stay. I am thinking of going down the "could you repeat that" line

I need her to help me out from time to time, I'm a bit senior tbh (sounds daft, I hate confrontation though and, boy, does she know this). She's pretty thick with every one (although she does this thing with someone else where she insists on asking her things about her personal life she clearly doesn't feel comfortable discussing and just goes on and on: all a bit weird).

Maybe laughing at her is the best way to go. Or do I say something like 'oh do stop it, I'm not doing this anymore'. I am a bit stumped tbh. I think she too can't do confrontation or anger and this is the only way she can express her negativity. She is, oddly, a very active Christian .

'And you point is' or 'could you repeat that' or something along those lines might be worth a go. It's a remarkably effective way of having a proper go at someone without having to take any responsibility isn't it? Vile behaviour that leaves you feeling both impotent and a bit mad!

I'm just finding it hard to advise without any examples, sorry.

I like the laughing at her though. Like, "Okay, Colleague, that was helpful--" and then moving on.

Someone at work was like this and she handed her notice in recently.

Gone now - hallefuckinglujah

Very hard to deal with these types, I did a lot of research into narcissistic personalities in the workplace, it helped.

Its utter relief that they have gone, and I can tell other colleagues suddenly realise that this person literally fucked up the workplace atmosphere with their behaviour; you can bet its not just you that's subjected to your colleagues vile crap.

Well, you could try being super-nice to her?

I have a colleague who tbh is a bit PA and unpleasant in her behaviour. She does it because she's over-worked and stressed and (it turned out) is having a bad time at home. I am very positive about things that she does do, go out of my way to be friendly and jolly, and am neutral about random irrelevant criticisms that have nothing to do with me.

Or you could ask her, when she makes a comment, whether she's upset by something?

Another thing is, management are often very wary of these types if they are aware of their behaviour, as todays employment laws are like a loaded gun to a toxic employee, who will sometimes claim unfair dismissal.

You have my sympathy

aoife24 having read your recent posts, gosh she sounds like hard work!

Hats off to you, you are trying to get to the bottom of it all, but I think "we all wake up in the morning and choose our attitude", in that you can bet your bottom dollar, your PA colleague has a mind-set from the minute she steps into the office that will be set in concrete, and will not budge. Somehow you talking with her may do no good

In fact she will probably enjoy attracting additional attention, and being someone who does not enjoy confrontation as you dont, she could pick up on that and she may gloat at tying you in knots.

Ghastly, I wonder what they get from it, as it doesnt really affect other people long-term as much as themselves (boiled up inside with anger and low self esteem that you wont ever know about).

As you can tell I have been victim to it several times not just at work and it just makes me want to spin on my heals, because I don't want to add to their "entertainment"

How about 'Could you repeat please but next time reconsider your tone?'

I work with someone like this and you have my sympathy! It's hard sometimes to pin down what they are doing to make you feel like that. I've learnt over the years just to grow a thick skin and get on with the job. Be professional, and Don't try to make her like you. If you are her superior, it could be that she resents you as being more successful than her, or she has a chip on her shoulder about figures in authority.
Mine is my line manager so I have to be careful what I say or do in case I get into trouble. I don't talk about my private life, don't try to make conversation, don't try to please her other than by doing my job and being professional. But it's hard work isn"t it? Now we rub along, I know she doesn't like me but I just keep my head down and focus on my work.
Just remember it is a workplace and you will ultimately be judged on how well you do your job, not how friendly you are.
I agree with posters who suggest saying things like 'can you elaborate please?' To draw attention to it. She may get embarassed and stop it.
Does she do it in front of colleagues, eg in meetings? If so, you would have witnesses.
Does she report to you? If you're not sure what to do maybe go to HR for advice?
HTH, work is hard enough without these sorts of problems

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions, a lot to think about. Unfortunately it's not uncommon is it?

There's a good book I read a while ago. Called "A Woman In Your Own Right - Assertiveness and you". It may help you to understand her approach and come up with new approaches

Oh god I worked with someone like this, made my life a misery. There was no one thing I could pin point that was making me so miserable as it all sounded so petty, but everything was said with a 'tone', I was left out of social things that I'd always been included in, staff meetings became an absolute nightmare as everything I said was stonewalled or laughed at. I dealt with it by asking to move teams and then just avoided her. I then got another job and never went back after maternity leave. Best decision I ever made!