to deal with passive aggressive coleague

[aoife24]

I'm not sure this is the right place as I think it WBU to allow it to continue and I've decided that from 2014 onwards I won't tolerate this sort of behaviour.

She's a classic passive aggressive type, sly, catty, underhand, spiteful, malicious remarks but delivered in such a way that it's tricky to call her on them. I want to do just that though.

I don't want to go down the 'did you mean to be so rude' track as to me that too is passive aggressive, and I want keep my cool and calmly beard her, as it were, in response to the next dig.

That she is a colleague isn't that of the essence, PA is PA who ever is dealing it out, but I do obviously have to keep working with her and I don't want to escalate this. I simply need to find a way unequivocally let her know she's been called and that I won't accept her doing this. I would love some advice or ideas on how to do so.

I think the best one I have been given is, ie when they do the backhanded compliment / criticism thing:

"You said that I'm doing a good job at x but your tone and body language say the complete opposite!"

Then depending on what they say or not follow with "how do you feel about that?" Or "that's funny/ strange isn't it?"

I was told that told that you can't engage with a PA because they have no motivation to, so just call them
On it and hope they go away. Sometimes they tie you up so much you start to think its impossible to explain what they're actually doing without sounding pathetic/ paranoid so referring to their body language just puts the ball back in their court.

Just give her a devastating smile and thank her for her comments whilst completely discounting them.

If she is like this all the time her comments need to be discounted, as you must be doing good at least some of the time.

Exactly teacher, it's a tone of voice, a general coldness of demeanour, nit something you can easily challenge them on. But you know it's there, and they know it too. It can make life a misery, which is why I think, don't let them see it's making your life a misery, ignore and carry on. That's what I do with my boss.
But OP your situation is different from mine - you are this person's manager. You could start keeping a diary of her barbed remarks and catty putdowns, then perhaps raise it at a disciplinary with a higher level of management involved. That way you have dates, times and examples. Does it affect any other team members? If so then it's your rsponsibility as a manager to keep on top of it. Maybe if you started to wield some authority (in a calm, measured, non-bullying way) she would respect you a bit more? Good luck!

If you are senior then you'll have to do it well - you have to be professional.

Insidious isn't it. I found interestingly enough though that a lot of other people had felt the same, but had also been too intimidated to speak up. I am a lot happier in my new job, but am also more reserved and cautious, I am not letting myself get too involved with people. I wimped out of going to the Xmas party, which I was actually a bit disappointed in myself for, but I had such terrible experiences at the last place I just couldn't face it. These things have a massive impact on your self esteem.

Don't ever let her know her comments upset you as she will use it as a stick to beat you with and up the game. You see, she wants results.

My guess is she is probably NPD, gets all 'fake' friendly with people if she reckons they can do something for her, shuns/puts down those she doesn't feel have any value to her.

Could she be after your job?

She is probably seething with envy, hatred and desire to destroy which is directly proportional to how she feels about herself. Trick is, NEVER EVER feel she should be pitied/sorry for her as she will smell it a mile off and abuse you further.

Totally professional is the only way forward and if she makes mistakes, pull her immediately and make it known to her you think its not personal, its business.

Keep your private life to yourself, disengage on any emotional level with her and consult upper management with issues with her that you are concerned about which are affecting the team as a whole.

I'm afraid you have to be as cold and calculating as she is here in order to flush her out - hopefully she will either tow the line/move on/get fired for her crap. Either way, you win and are free of shit.

Here you go...

thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-in-the-workplace-tips-for-working-with-a-narcissist/

I agree that when she says something catty you ask her to explain what she means and do this every single time. Don't let her get away with being a bully and keep a record of every single nasty remark so that management have something to work with when she complains about you (which she will when you start confronting her!). Don't discuss anything personal with her and remain focussed on your job at all times.

Watching this thread with interest as passive aggression seems to be an integral part of the ethos of my workplace. I hate it and I don't feel I fit in, and it's always hard to know how to behave in the face of PA behaviour especially when everyone seems to be that way.

Sorry, late to respond. There are a lots of helpful suggestions here and I'll consider them all and try to formulate a strategy. I'm not actually her manager but I can 'borrow' her from another team if I need help.
I'm also going to look at that assertiveness book. I think she sees me as an easy target as I am a bit of a people pleaser and hate confrontation.
Thanks, everyone.

I thought daisychain's suggestion of: 'And your point is...?' sounded pretty good too OP. Hope that and the other suggestions work.

I would call her on it though in the way that posters have said. There's nothing wrong with a bit of confrontation, judiciously applied. Try it, it can make your day

I have no better advice but wondered if anyone can suggest any way of dealing with my PA cow who is fucking up a friendship? I'm flummoxed. I'm being Wendied.

I was going to post here but it'd be a hi-jack. So I'll start a new thread in Chat and if anyone wants to help, I'd be grateful.

There's a Buddhist meditation technique I use in this circumstance. It's called giving and taking. You breath in and try and suck in all the tension and negativity from the other person. Then you breathe out and give all the understanding and love and care you can. What can you do to make her more fulfilled and Happy? How can you help her reach her goals? What can you change about yourself to make her feel less threatened and confronted? Don't worry about who's being reasonable. Just try giving and taking.

limited I will nip onto Chat and give my two penny's worth . Wendying is another branch on the PA tree.

Aoife, good luck!

I think it depends on your work environment TBH. In my most recent work place, which was male dominated & very macho, to not deal with her head on & publicly would be a signal of weakness. In that particicular work place a very harsh 'you F88king brave to talk to me like that love, I've a sharp tongue once i get going....lets not go there eh?' would put her back in her box.
I have worked in other places where that would not be ok.

I've had very similar ... eventually she left, but not before giving me lots of practise in dealing with PA bullshit. What worked in this case was making sure I was never in the "responding" corner of a conversation, if that makes sense. She'd say something PA, I'd end up defending, and so on. So every time she said something I'd respond with a question, any question, said nicely, just to get her in the defensive position.

If I came to work in a red jumper, I'd get:

"You like red, don't you?"

"Yes, I do."

"Hmm. Hmmm. (Looking at me sideways; looking at her computer, looking back at me). Do you think you suit red? [head tilt]"

And so on ...

So after a while I'd be saying "Absolutely! It's may favourite colour for clothes. What's YOUR best colour, PA Cow?"

I could have written your post, I am watching this thread for tips because I return to work next week & the fun starts again.
:-(

Thanks daisychain

There are so many of them and yet they never come onto these threads to explain why they fuck your life up.

No advice but to the last comment are we sure they always realise they are doing it and it's not just what they have grown up with so is normal for them?

I grew up with a very say what's on your mind don't beat around the bush type, be honest even if it's brutal, it's taken a long time and a lot of work to undo that mindset. I have a lot of teeth marks in my tongue now from keeping my mouth shut and not being honest because it's not the right thing to do.

Someone once said to me that bullies will try things out on everyone and if you give a non assertive response they will choose you as a victim, but if you jump up, ready and eager for a row they will be less likely to try anything in future. I think that is the impression you need to give, that you are really tough and fiesty and just can't wait for an excuse to take her on and give her a piece of your mind and you will really enjoy doing that(a bit like some of the posters on AIBU)