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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can a couple get divorced after a year of marriage?

110 replies

googlenut · 31/12/2013 21:25

Ok put this here because not sure where would get a response. Close family member lived with her partner and had two children, big fancy wedding just over a year ago and have now announced their divorce. I'm genuinely trying to understand here, not be judgy. How could this happen in such a short space of time. No other people involved just said they were arguing too much.

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 01/01/2014 15:48

My divorce to my first H, whom i loved more than i could express, almost killed me. I fully meant it to be forever when i said my vows - i married entirely for love. However, he hid the fact he didn't want children from me, hoping that once we were married i would stay. He told me on our 1st anniversary he didn't really want children at all, but would possibly think about it in 7 years time (that would have made me 39) but wouldn't promise anything. I was devastated - of course all the signs had been there, but i had ignored them. I had some choices, stay and not have dc (but resent him), stay and have dc with someone who clearly didn't want them (and us resent each other) or leave immediately. i left within 3 weeks. None of my friends ever spoke to me again (bf from when i was 3yo went round to comfort him and they fell in love) and he stayed in the marital home for 5yrs. i lost everything. it certainly wasn't a decision i took lightly.

My second marriage was not for love - It doesn't mean i don't love DH (i do), but the romance of marriage was gone for me and we made a practical choice to marry for other reasons. Our 1st anniversary is Sunday and my god it's been a hard year.

Original poster

googlenut · 01/01/2014 15:59

MrsKoala thank you for sharing that. It must have been a devastating time for you when your first marriage ended. I hope life now brings you children in your new marriage.

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 01/01/2014 16:38

Thank you google - i should have said (i forgot the most important part!) that i now have a 15mo and are ttc for our 2nd. DS is worth every ounce of emotional pain i went thru to get him and the physical pain of course OUCH!

LaGuardia · 01/01/2014 16:46

I have no idea why people still get married. Such a waste of time, money and effort and hardly any are still together ten years later. I don't even bother going to the ones I am invited to. It is all nonsense.

Grennie · 01/01/2014 16:46

My partner and I have lived together for 22 years. I think most people don't give up soon enough. Marriage should be supportive and enhance your life. I have known various people in very unhappy relationships, that basically put up with it and put on a happy face for others.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 01/01/2014 16:49

"hardly any are still together ten years later"

Well, 80% according to official figures. Is that "hardly any"?

MrsKoala · 01/01/2014 17:01

For us LaGuardia it was for security for me. I gave up work to be a SAHM - DH wanted me to be covered if we split up. Also we emigrated and i needed to be on DH's visa. If not for these things we wouldn't have bothered.

muddylettuce · 01/01/2014 17:09

I wanted to! Don't judge.

ninah · 01/01/2014 17:14

for me, I tried it and it didn't take me years to realise I didn't like it

Spottybra · 01/01/2014 17:15

One of my best friends married and separated after a year. He made it clear he didn't want children. She knew that and tried to change his mind. Hence huge differences and a split a year later.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/01/2014 17:50

LaGuardia

Marriage provides legal rights and protection that cohabiting does not.

Not romantic at all but take away the fanfare and what you have is a legal contract signed by both parties.

Hardly a waste of time.

MadAsFish · 01/01/2014 17:54

I lasted 15 months in my first marriage.
I was so ashamed.
My exhusband drank heavily before we got married (too much, I now see with my 20/20 hindsight), but went nuts after we got married, for some reason. I was teetotal, being treated for hepatitis at the time, so seriously ill, but would have to get rid of the empties every week, which was extra-humiliating, hearing the 'shocking', 'terrible' comments from people outside. His baseline was 22 standard measures a day, and it frequently went up from there.
Best decision ever, leaving.

Back2Two · 01/01/2014 18:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

HandbagCrazy · 01/01/2014 19:09

Laguardia i have to disagree. As I said earlier, the first year was hard but worth it. I wanted to get married and I'm very glad I did. I can't explain why I feel differently but I do. And I like the fact that we are a team in every sense of the word now.

A generalisation that it's a complete waste of time is very judgemental

hackneybird · 01/01/2014 19:48

I agree that 'stick with it' isn't very helpful or constructive.

To stick with it you have to really love someone first - even through the tough times. If you don't have that I think it's pointless. My H and I have been together for 14 years and we got engaged after 6 years and married after 7. We weren't ready before that as we were in early 20s when we met.

We've had a son (and have another on the way) and some of it has been so difficult, really tough. Even when I've thought we had no future together and been really unhappy I've still loved him. If I ever felt I'd fallen out of love I don't think I could continue.

OP, even your circle have all been married contentedly for years, do you know if all of them are happy together? Like others say, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

muppetthecow · 01/01/2014 20:18

DH left his first wife after three months. He walked in on her with his (also married) boss on the desk at work. He was only 20 when they married - she told him she was pregnant, he 'did the right thing' and married her, she then 'miscarried' about a week after the wedding. Once they were going through the divorce she admitted she never had been pregnant, she just knew that the fellow she was actually in love with (DH's boss) would never leave his wife, she wanted a wedding dress, and knew that DH would marry her if he thought she was having his baby.

DH was so embarrassed that he didn't tell anybody what had happened for years, the only people who knew were his parents. To anyone on the outside they'd just married too young

We're five years in now, with two DS's, and are both (as far as I know) very happy

Chunderella · 01/01/2014 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 01/01/2014 23:16

Some people (men or women) can be very sweet and charming during dating and during engagement and then after the wedding they show their true colours.
It is common for abusive men to give the first slap on the wedding night.

As for the ' stick to it', when you do you also force your entire extended family to 'stick to it' and imo thats not fair. Yes i am bias on this, my brother's wife has causeda lot of hurt in my family and my parents. It has been hell. They have been in seperate rooms for 15 years but they still keep up the front picture and the rest of us have to suffer. If they had divorced after a year when he knew what a nasty, racist piece she is my mum would get a bit upset and a bit embarrassed for few months and then she would have got over it. We would all be happier now including my db and my dn.imo is not fair on anyone keep going.

NachoAddict · 01/01/2014 23:32

I got married thinking that it would change abusive ex's paranoia that I was going to leave him for someone else. Also because we had two kids it was the 'right thing' to do.

Unfortunatley six months in he attacked me in front of the kids leaving me needing hospital treatment.

I found the courage to kick him out despite my 'best friend' saying, but Nacho, you've only been married six months, you cant split up, what will people say.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 01/01/2014 23:34

Well done Nacho, finding the courage is the hardest bit.

NachoAddict · 02/01/2014 14:58

Thanks Lucius. I can't believe I ever married him but I guess hindsight is great.

Joysmum · 02/01/2014 15:21

I think the stick to it observation is a worthy one.

There have been numerous times over the years when either myself or my husband would have been told to LTB if we'd posted our situation on here. We have a great marriage which had its ups and downs and whilst marriage should be fun and good, it does require effort to keep it in tip top shape and is worth that effort. Reap what you sow.

Revengeofkarma · 02/01/2014 15:31

"What will people say?" Is never a good reason to do anything!!!

NachoAddict · 02/01/2014 16:22

I know revenge I,couldn't believe she actually said that to me considering she knew he had just trashed my house and split my head open in a vicious attack lasting over an hour which my kids had to witness.

ouryve · 02/01/2014 16:23

Maybe the big flashy wedding was an attempt to fix something that was already broken?

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