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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is remarkably selfish?

34 replies

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 20:21

This is for my friend and it really is because anyone who knows me on here knows I am strenuously single and things like this are the reason why.

Friend has two dc. Her H has his own business so works very long hours. For weeks she has been asking for him to have dc so she can go to cinema and see The Hobbit. It's never been a good time, he's working, he's busy etc. So today he said he would do it, great she thought. However when she looked at timings, the only one was at 15.30 pm, which would have taken her up to 18.30 pm to get back. He agrees with her when she wonders if it's a bit too late and he tells her he has other things to do today, she assumes work. So she cancels.

So off he goes to what she thinks is work related, only to turn up at 7.00 pm pissed up carrying a couple of bottles of wine so he and she "can celebrate NYE". Turns out what he HAD to do was meet his mate in the pub for five hours. Which it turns out was arranged after she agreed to cancel the cinema.

So what do we think of this kind of behaviour? I know what I think but I think she's heard me ranting enough!

OP posts:

RandyRudolf · 31/12/2013 20:24

What an utter shite bag.

Ok,he works hard and deserves a break but has gone about it the wrong way.

Original poster

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 20:28

Oh he gets plenty of breaks believe me. Much of his "work" is in the form of meals out and "entertaining".

His argument now is that he only arranged this after she had agreed that 18.30 might be too late, so he was within his rights to arrange to see his mate.

OP posts:

MrsLouisTheroux · 31/12/2013 20:28

Vile man.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 31/12/2013 20:32

Oh, come on. He deliberately let her think it was work related. Disrespectful and insulting.

Wanker...the husband that is.

DawnOfTheDee · 31/12/2013 20:32

I agree he sounds like a bit of a shite bag. However i do think your friend should have just gone anyway rather than 'wondering if it's a bit late'...she just needed to state what time she'd be back(ish). She talked herself out of her trip just as much as he did imho.

Loopytiles · 31/12/2013 20:33

Why is your friend putting up with this?

tiredoldmum · 31/12/2013 20:33

He's being a selfish knob. Not sure why she ask to ask him permission for him to watch his own child. I imagine he has more downtime than he lets on.

She should wait until he gets home from work and grab her coat and keys and just say bye I'm off to the movies. See ya later.

HappTeeNewYear · 31/12/2013 20:34

Her husband, for example, is a total dickhead.

What does he do that helps her?

NicknameIncomplete · 31/12/2013 20:35

This is one if the many reasons why i am happy single.

What an arse he is.

Original poster

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 20:36

I don't think she DID talk herself out of it. I think a. she's so nervous of asking him for anything with his constant "hard work" hanging over her and b. that she tried to be considerate because it was NYE and she thought they'd be doing something for it together.

OP posts:

Catsmamma · 31/12/2013 20:37

he is selfish and she needs to challenge that

and in what world is 6.30 too late to be out...is she often a martyr?

If that had been me and he has suddenly had something to do after allegedly being free for the children then I'd definitely have interrogated him as to what precisely he was heading off to do.

IamInvisible · 31/12/2013 20:39

He's a wanker of the highest order.

I think she needs to lay her cards on the table and factor in time every single week that she gets to do something for herself.

YouTheCat · 31/12/2013 20:39

She needs to stop considering his feelings because he sure as hell isn't considering hers.

HowAboutNo · 31/12/2013 20:44

Ah dear. I'd let him drink himself into a stupor, let him sleep on the sofa downstairs with no heating on and get planning my New Years Day cinema trip.

mrsjay · 31/12/2013 20:47

he sounds a complete arsehole why does she feel she needs to ask his permission though your poor friend she needs to just tell him she is going out

FrankAndFurt · 31/12/2013 20:50

She does sound a bit of a martyr if she was the one who suggested it was too late

... as for what does he do to help her. He works 'very long hours' according to the OP.

I don't think we can tell if he is a total wanker or not from the info given. If the OPs friends kids are at school then the OP's friend may get loads of free time to meet up with friends and do fun stuff. We also don't know if he misled the OPs friend as to what he was doing or whether she made an assumption. If he lied to her about what he was doing then he is indeed a wanker.

SinisterSal · 31/12/2013 20:50

She's probably so used to second guessing him and rearranging things to suit him, it's easy to get into that habit.

Original poster

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 20:51

Because he's rarely around because of his "work" so she does have to pre plan with him. She can't just go off as he walks through the door because chances are he's got a work thing that evening. This is what she tells me.

OP posts:

SinisterSal · 31/12/2013 20:52

those 'very long hours' often take the form of meals and drinks out too.

I think its very easy to tell he's a wanker from the info given. Unless you were absolutely determined not to

Original poster

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 20:52

Her youngest isn't in school yet, so not much free time.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 20:53

Oh he is sinister, totally but it's easy for me to see it from the outside.

OP posts:

FrankAndFurt · 31/12/2013 20:56

If her youngest is still little then she will be very busy herself. When my kids were little I used to go to the flicks every week, because it was on a set day my DH used to know to keep it free even though he worked really long hours. It worked for us.
I used to relish those movie nights SO much.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 31/12/2013 20:59

Hang on- sp if 6.30 is too late for her to be home why is 7pm not too late for him to be home?

Absolutely selfish. How do they justify thi shit to themselves?

mrsjay · 31/12/2013 21:02

does she ask him if he is working or does she just let him walk all over her, I know i am being harsh but the poor bugger sounds miserable having to consult him for everything , he obviously mislead her or is just used to doing his own thing without thought for her or their family how sad

YouTheCat · 31/12/2013 21:03

Tbh he sounds exactly like my ex.

Once you have this kind of thing conditioned into you it is hard to shake and isn't a matter of being a martyr at all. It is a matter of never being able to make plans because on the few occasions you do he simply doesn't come home.

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