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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is remarkably selfish?

34 replies

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 20:21

This is for my friend and it really is because anyone who knows me on here knows I am strenuously single and things like this are the reason why.

Friend has two dc. Her H has his own business so works very long hours. For weeks she has been asking for him to have dc so she can go to cinema and see The Hobbit. It's never been a good time, he's working, he's busy etc. So today he said he would do it, great she thought. However when she looked at timings, the only one was at 15.30 pm, which would have taken her up to 18.30 pm to get back. He agrees with her when she wonders if it's a bit too late and he tells her he has other things to do today, she assumes work. So she cancels.

So off he goes to what she thinks is work related, only to turn up at 7.00 pm pissed up carrying a couple of bottles of wine so he and she "can celebrate NYE". Turns out what he HAD to do was meet his mate in the pub for five hours. Which it turns out was arranged after she agreed to cancel the cinema.

So what do we think of this kind of behaviour? I know what I think but I think she's heard me ranting enough! Grin

OP posts:
sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 21:03

He also told her felt sick, that he had in fact been sick and that's why he didn't feel up to looking after the dc as one in particular is so demanding. Not too sick to go to the pub though! I think she is beginning to get angry now and not before time!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 31/12/2013 21:04

I hope she manages to direct her anger and fustration at him and she doesnt let it build up,

IneedAsockamnesty · 31/12/2013 21:08

The mind boggles

FutTheShuckUp · 31/12/2013 21:12

What an absolute self centred ass hat. If she doesnt start standing up to him this nobendery will continue forever more

DawnOfTheDee · 31/12/2013 21:13

I feel really bad for her now. He does sound ridiculously selfish. Agree that she needs to get angry...I'm feeling angry on her behalf.

StripyButterfly · 31/12/2013 21:27

Why does she have to "ask him to have DC". Does he "ask her to have DC". Her husband sounds like a prize twat but tbh she sounds like she is enabling him a little.

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 21:30

I think I have explained a couple of times now, he works irregular hours. When he comes in, there's no guarantee he's in for the evening so she has to pre plan any arrangements she wants to make.

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 31/12/2013 22:10

Piss taker, tbh.

I bet half the time he says he's working, he's not.

catsmother · 31/12/2013 22:47

Fucking nasty selfish wanker !

He's a hypocrite - You'reBeing is absolutely right, why the hell is 6.30 too late for her, but 7 okay for him ?

And he's a liar ...... "too sick" to look after his own children, but not "too sick" to neck a load of booze which would make anyone genuinely nauseous feel even worse.

Your friend needs to TELL him she's going out, and just go, right there and then, before he convinces her to talk herself out of it for some spurious reason which then enables him to have an easier life in one way or another. I'd never normally advocate such a course of behaviour BTW but this is an example where fighting fire with fire is more than justified.

I wonder how much of his "work related" wining and dining is genuine ? So very easy for someone in his position to lay on the guilt re: "working long hours" thereby giving themselves unfair me-time where he forgets he's a parent and a partner, and can do what the fuck he likes. But hey, that's okay isn't it, because it's work don't you know and little wifey would be bloody ungrateful if she had the temerity to ever question this. Does she even know for sure that he's schmoozing with work contacts at all, or is this a cover story for more boozy nights out with friends ? Even if it were customers, colleagues, networking and so on, does the amount of time he's out (and unavailable for dad duty let alone working on his relationship) actually reap reward in proportion to what he's otherwise avoiding I wonder ? i.e. how much new business does he get as a result of all this ? .....

.... obviously, am just hypothesising here and have no idea of the real situation. But your friend should certainly be fully involved in what his movements are. I get the feeling from the little you've told us that she's kept in the dark about what's going on. The thing about "chances are he's got a work thing that evening" ..... yet he doesn't discuss this with her in advance (she only finds out at the 11th hour when he comes home - only to go out again), just assumes that she'll be there, in her rightful place, looking after the kids which are just as much his as hers. I can accept there may be occasional last minute work demands in many jobs, but am finding it hard to swallow that this would happen on such a regular basis. Seems like he doesn't feel he should have to tell her anything he doesn't want to. Arrogant pig - obviously he is by far the most important person in the house isn't he ? (in his eyes).

(disclaimer: apologies for going off on a bit of a rant. And maybe projecting. Past bad memories and all that ...)

But in a nutshell, she needs to start asserting herself and insist upon a way forward where they both get free time. If he can't, or more likely won't pull his weight then at the very least he should enable her to have some semblance of a break by paying for sitters, cleaners etc.

And having such a selfish and dishonest partner who couldn't give a stuff about my wellbeing and need for a relatively tiny break (compared to his) on very odd occasions would be cause enough for serious thought about LTB - IMO.

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