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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be sure about whether to accept this offer? (sorry, long!)

34 replies

extremepie · 31/12/2013 13:32

Quick background, I live in cornwall and I'm a SP to 2 boys 6 & 5, ds2 has ASD. Since splitting with DH I have had to give up my job as I have no friends or family in the area who can help me with childcare or otherwise! Ex moved away after we split so doesn't help me at all (financially, etc).

Ds2 is on a waiting list for a special school but so far is not being given a place because they are too full.

We are on the council list for a property (since we rent and our landlords want to sell the house) but are currently on a low band so potentially will not be housed any time soon this is all relevant I promise :D

We went back to where my parents live near london to visit over christmas, while we were there my older sister came down from where she lives (doncaster) with her family. She is aware of the situation I'm in at the moment as she talks a lot to my dad :D

Basically, to cut a long story short she, her husband & kids want to move to a cheap bungalow and rent out their family home - she has offered it to me & my boys :) This is a generous offer as her house is lovely and she would easily rent it out if she put it on the market, plus the area that she lives in is cheap to rent so I could afford the house easily whilst I am struggling money wise where I am :/

On the plus side, if I moved there I would have :
a house for me & my boys
a special needs school (and mainstream primary) very close by - since I dont drive this is major bonus!
my older sisters close by (who could potentially offer me help with childcare, which could enable me to go back to work)

on the down side:
I love the area I live in, despite it being quite rural and difficult to get around when you dont drive :/
my younger sister lives here & I would really miss her :(
the boys are settled in their school here
I dont really like the area where my sisters live and had no desire to move their (prior to this offer!).

I dont know what to do! Part of me thinks that it is a no brainer and that it would be better for the boys, that I am being selfish for considering turning it down but the other part thinks that if I move and dont like it there (the area) that I will be stuck there and end up miserable - we've moved a lot since the boys were born and I was really hoping that when we moved here it would be a chance to put down some roots, get them settled into a school and stay put. If we move again I want it to be the last time (area wise) as I dont want to keep putting the boys through relocating and changing school over and over :(

Just to make things even more complicated I am starting out in a very new relationship with someone who I really like, I was friends with him for months before me & ex split & have recently decided to take our friendship to the next step :/ If I move I will probably never see him again as he has a son down here & doesnt want to move that far away from him (understandably!)

Help!!

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 31/12/2013 13:36

I think there is more keeping you where you are than there is for you to move.

Have your LL served you notice (something 21?), that will give you more points and higher priority on the housing list. You could also get council help to be rehoused in another private let.

GlitzAndGiggles · 31/12/2013 13:37

I'd say move. There's probably more job opportunities for you too nearer to London even though it can be a bastard to even land an interview here

GlitzAndGiggles · 31/12/2013 13:37

Here*

SaucyJack · 31/12/2013 13:40

Where is your ex-husband, and what's the state of play with him?

I moved back "home" away from the area I was living in after splitting with the father of my two DDs, and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

sunbathe · 31/12/2013 13:44

That's a lovely offer from your sister, but I don't really understand it.

Why does she want to move her family to a cheap bungalow?

What would happen if she needed more money and had to increase your rent, possibly to full market rate?

Original poster
extremepie · 31/12/2013 13:53

Glitz my sister lives in Doncaster not London :D my parents near London!

I think it's because the new place has a bigger garden & bigger rooms despite being a bungalow - plus her kids are teens now so I think she is intending to sell the family house eventually - in the area she lives the full rent is still not very much so I think still affordable for me, its at least £200 a month cheaper than where I am now anyway!

OP posts:
jacks365 · 31/12/2013 13:54

If you move to your sisters house it is possible that you wouldn't qualify for hb at all some councils exclude those living in property owned by relatives so you would need to look into that before you made a decision. Can you definitely get into the schools there? What could be the implications if your sisters financial position changed for any reason? I would say if you have the doubts you already do then it's not right for you

Original poster
extremepie · 31/12/2013 13:56

Ex H lives in Corby atm but is possibly moving to Croydon in the new year - he says he wants to stay in touch with them & visit them but as yet has made little effort to do so :(

Why do you feel it was a mistake saucy, just out of interest?

I think so too mamma but feel like I could be making a bit mistake passing up the opportunity :/

OP posts:
GlitzAndGiggles · 31/12/2013 14:02

Oooh shit sorry I wasn't paying attention I read it again and saw your parents live near London and your sis came down too. Sorry! :)

dancemom · 31/12/2013 14:10

i wouldnt move. If your sister is planning on selling her family home in the near future that would mean you would have to move yet again.

i would ask your landlord in your current property when he is planning on selling and get him to issue you with your eviction notice which will move you up the priority list.

Living somewhere you dont like would be soul destroying.

Original poster
extremepie · 31/12/2013 14:15

Landlord here wants to sell asap but they know they have a better chance of doing so in the summer - they have given us notice but not eviction yet but I know they want us gone as soon as we get somewhere else, we will 100% be gone by the summer :/

OP posts:
DameFanny · 31/12/2013 14:23

Tell your current landlord that if they give you an eviction notice you'll be higher on the rating for a council place - might help?

And re moving to Doncaster - don't do it! You already don't like the area, you and the children have connections and support where you are, and renting from a family member can be horrendously problematic. Just say no Grin

fifi669 · 31/12/2013 14:41

You live in Cornwall. Never move.

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2013 14:43

It sounds as tho you wouldn't be thinking about moving despite cheaper rent etc except that your sister wants a tenant. I think you should stay put for now. Other posters have mentioned the complications that could come from renting off your sister, and the other advantages (schools, nearby family, easier transport) will still be there if you change your mind at a later date. Don't be pushed into this because your family (in the nicest way) think it would kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

somethingchristmassy · 31/12/2013 14:50

I would move.

snowed · 31/12/2013 14:50

Stay where you are. If you live somewhere you don't like, it could make you pretty unhappy. Is there any particular reason why you don't drive?

NynaevesSister · 31/12/2013 14:52

An slightly confused. Is SP step or single parent? I assume the latter but in OP you refer to your DH (who you have split from) and your ex. Are they the same person?

I think I would be inclined to l

NynaevesSister · 31/12/2013 14:53

Look at which is the best place for your son with Aspergers. Would the change be too much?

Original poster
extremepie · 31/12/2013 15:15

Snowed, at the moment am having trouble affording it, ex was learning but we split & he moved away so not much help to me now :D

Am trying to learn as fast as possible though, really awkward getting around in cornwall without a car!

Nynaeve, its single parent in my case, Dh is my ex, sorry so used to referring to him as dh :(

Really not sure which place would be better for him to be honest, the fact my sister house is close to the SN school in doncaster is a bonus but it is by no means certain he would get in there - he is currently at mainstream primary with his brother, he has a good relationship with the school & his 1:1 and has made progress there :)

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 31/12/2013 18:55

Why do you feel it was a mistake saucy, just out of interest?

Well, my ex is still lying on the couch exactly where I left him, so if I'd stayed local to that area then he and they could've seen much more of each other than they do (plus I'd've had someone to share childcare with) and life would be a million times better for me and the kids.

I see you've since posted that your ex now lives in Corby tho, not near you in Cornwall- so none of that was relevant anyway Smile

SaucyJack · 31/12/2013 18:55

*they being our daughters.

Coconutty · 31/12/2013 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianTheMole · 31/12/2013 19:03

Meh. You live in cornwall. Its a no brainer. Stay!!

oadcb · 31/12/2013 19:15

Move somewhere nearer the school or closer to transport.

I wouldn't leave Cornwall you just have to make it work for you.

NynaevesSister · 31/12/2013 20:31

There's no guarantee that both children will like the new school either. I personally wouldn't take the risk unless 100% sure but son really doesn't cope with change.