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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be able to forgive her?

33 replies

macdoodle · 30/12/2013 22:58

My mother.
When I was 15, she left me and my brother (who was 13). My father was an abusive dick, my mother was always scatty (to be kind). She upped one day, took my younger sister (aged 5) and left. To a different country, and went off the grid completely.
Now while I understand some of it, I just cannot understand how she could have abandoned us.
I didnt see her or my sister again for 4 years, until I saved every penny and went looking for them myself.
Living with my dad wasnt easy.
So we have a relationship now, but she has never spoken to me of it, never tried to explain, or apologise, tried to make it up to me. And actually she is still quite a self absorbed, self centred person. She doesnt seem to realise that she abandoned 2 children, that she needs to apologise to us.
I thought I had dealt with it. But as my DD1 gets closer to the age I was when she left, I am finding it harder to deal with. I cannot conceive of leaving my DD's, no matter what. I had to do it all alone, finish school, first boyfriend, going on the pill, school dance, applying for uni, graduating, everything. I didnt have a mother. I cant imagine not being there for all those things for my DD1.
She is staying with me over xmas and NY, she does help with childcare but does little else to help, physically, emotionally or financially. And I am finding it wearing, I think she snipes at me, I have to bite my tongue. Today I snapped at her finally, and she cried, its so hard for her.
My sister thinks I am too hard on her, that I need to move on and forgive her. I think I probably do, it seems to be harder now (as my DD1 gets older and seems to need me more not less). I don't think I can forgive her, AIBU?

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 30/12/2013 23:04

No YANBU - there is no need (or requirement) to forgive her though it would be good for you to reach some accomodation with yourself about it.

My father isn't quite as bad as your mother but similar and he now (after 10 years of complete radio silence) does come up and see DS (and me) about every couple of months. I don't forgive him for behaving like a total sick but I have learnt to shrug and accept that like your mother he is self absorbed and self centred and I manage his interaction with DS carefully as I don't trust him.

Luckily I'm not like him and will do my level best to never let DS down in the way I was. I don't need to forgive him to move on, I just need to accept he is the way he is and deal with him on my terms.

Kewcumber · 30/12/2013 23:05

a total sick ?! Dick of course!

Pigsmummy · 30/12/2013 23:15

My Mum left home when I was away on a school trip aged 11, leaving me and my sister with my Dad on the verge of a breakdown, my Dad was very very unstable and she knew that. However we all came through the other side, it wasn't pretty, my sister nearly died from anorexia, my Dad had some very dark times. I always thought I was ok about it all but I wasn't. I challenged my Mum about her behaviour (22 years later) and she has completely re written history in her head and justified everything, I suspect that your mother has done the same. I don't think that you will get the answers that you need. However you could tell her that you are still not okay with how she behaved and whilst you don't forgive her actions that you do want a relationship. Don't let a sibling dictate how you feel in this situation

WilsonFrickett · 30/12/2013 23:18

You absolutely don't need to forgive her - how can you?

But you do need to find someway to put the pain down by the side of the road and walk away from it. So, so, so much easier said than done, I know. But you need to find a way of being at peace with the past, especially as you are now going to have reminder after reminder and milestone after milestone.

Have you had counselling?

springysofa · 30/12/2013 23:25

What, she took off when you were 15 - taking one child - and vanished into thin air, leaving you to grapple your way into adulthood, also with a dick of a father as your sole carer and guide? And you're supposed to forgive her, when she hasn't addressed it, hasn't said sorry (or at least tried to explain it), snipes at you dear me I'd be tempted to whack her one for that and snivvles when you snap at her?

Sounds like your sister is following in the family tradition of DENIAL. No you shouldn't 'forgive her', the old trout sold you up the swanny and leaving you to drown. I'd be absolutely LIVID iiwy. I don't know how you can have her in your orbit with all the carry on she has put you through, and continues to put you through.

there is definitely a place for forgiveness but you have to know - thoroughly, down to your boots - what you are forgiving (or releasing from your life). Forgiveness is a huge subject - which doesn't mean pretending it didn't really happen, let bygones be bygones, when such a huge crime was committed and shows no signs of being addressed.

Lilacroses · 30/12/2013 23:40

Difficult to forgive someone who shows no signs of acknowledging their behavior on the first place. I really feel for you. My dp is in a somilar situation with her own mother and it is very frustrating and upsetting.

Lilacroses · 30/12/2013 23:41

Excuse typos annoying phone.

Elllimam · 30/12/2013 23:42

Maybe you could write her a letter and explain exactly why you are upset and what you went through. At least that way you won't get constant justifications/rewriting of the facts. You are not being unreasonable to be angry at her, she hasn't apologised and doesn't seem sorry for leaving you in an awful situation. Hope you are ok xx

lunar1 · 30/12/2013 23:45

You do not owe her any forgiveness.

Purplepoodle · 30/12/2013 23:53

Have you thought of having some form of counselling to deal with your feelings that perhaps could include your mother at some stage ?

nocheeseinhouse · 30/12/2013 23:58

No, you don't have to forgive her, especially as she probably isn't remorseful. But, it's probably eating you more than her, so maybe you need to find a way to be kind to yourself? She sounds totally self absorbed, how much contact with her do you want/need? Does your sister really not understand how hard it was for you?

Twinklestarstwinklestars · 31/12/2013 01:20

Yanbu my mum decided her new boyfriend was more important than me when I was 14 and she wanted me out and we still don't speak 15 years later, her family think what she did was ok so I don't really speak to them either, sometimes things just go too far to be forgiven.

Morloth · 31/12/2013 01:27

I wouldn't forgive her.

Fuck that.

Some things are unforgivable.

Forgiveness is overrated.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2013 01:40

Would it help to see her as a victim too? Of your abusive father. It really is only the last couple of generations that people started to talk about this kind of stuff. Before that, you made the best of things and lived with the consequences. Do you know what he said to her about leaving? Maybe he threatened her, maybe she felt he was abusive to her but wouldn't be to you?

Its0kToBeMe · 31/12/2013 01:47

My mum was in the same position. Her mother left her in the the hospital without a backwards glance. My mums GP were horrified and rushed back to get my mum, raised her as their own and were wonderful.

I don't often swear but she is a whopping great cunt of a woman.

OpalTourmaline · 31/12/2013 01:51

I agree with "Difficult to forgive someone who shows no signs of acknowledging their behavior on the first place." Can you speak to her about it? Not necessarily in an angry confrontational way, but just to explain how it affected you and to give her the chance to explain what she did. I think it is quite common to struggle when your children get to the age when you were treated badly by your parents, as it does make you think "How could they do that?" I don't think you will get past it without discussing what happened with your mother.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2013 01:53

"My sister thinks I am too hard on her, that I need to move on and forgive her."
This would be the sister who's mother didn't abandon her ,hard stare at sister>. She knows nothing. Nothing. And she lacks imagination and empathy.

TBH, I don't think you are hard enough on this woman. You let her back into your life, into the life of your daughter. And her response to your generosity is to refuse to give you what you need, what you sought her out for; an explanation of her behaviour, for her to accept that what she did was wrong, it was her fault, not yours or your brother's (children tend to think they are responsible for the shit the adults around them do).

I do not see how you can forgive her. Is forgiveness even possible where there is no repentance? I don't think it is. She is behaving as if she has done nothing that would require forgiveness. She can't have it both ways.

JuanPotatoTwo · 31/12/2013 02:30

macdoodle, I can't/don't want to go into my own situation, other than to say that my Mother did almost exactly the same thing as yours - disappeared one day without saying anything. We have a very tricky relationship these days, as the whole episode, and her behaviour has not really been discussed or resolved. Strangely, I've been thinking a lot about some of the things she did and it was pointed out to me that I was a similar age to the age my youngest dc is now.

I know I haven't said anything of use - I can't, because as I say, my situation is difficult. But your post resonated so strongly that I wanted to offer my support/sympathy/understanding etc. Hope you work something out. Good luck.

ohfourfoxache · 31/12/2013 03:38

Mac, why do you feel like you need to forgive her? I'm not sure I could. You sound very hard on yourself.

rabbitlady · 31/12/2013 07:34

counselling, if you haven't already. or just have more.
what's 'forgive' in this context? let it go that she deserted you? no. just let go of the pain it caused you. forgive yourself. you resent a terrible mother - that's fair and right.

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2013 07:51

As others have said, I don't think you need to "forgive" her exactly, but for your own sake, you need to find a way to move on from what's happened. That doesn't mean forgiving and forgetting, you could decide to cut her out and move on, but having her in your life while still resenting her doesn't seem to be making you happy.

BusyCee · 31/12/2013 07:56

You poor thing. Different circumstances for me, but I have a very difficult relationship with my father, and find it hard to understand how he behaved as he did. It has caused me a lot of pain in the past, and is responsible for my (past) pitifully low self esteem. I've spent much of my adult life in some form of counselling or therapy, taking ADs or behaving in a manner driven by this. You sound far more sane and balanced than I have been with far more provocation.

Anyhoo. Finally I feel I have to terms with it (after a year with an amazing therapist). And what I've learnt is;

I don't have to have a relationship with them and if I do it can be on my terms
I don't care if they accept my perspective of events or hurt they caused. It's mine and I have a right to the truth as I see it. If they want to rewrite history it's up to them and they can suffer the consequences
I won't let it own me anymore. Some CBT techniques help with managing stressful situations with them
each of siblings (blood and step) have a different relationship with them now and with the past. It's our own prerogative to do so even though it pains me to watch DSIS snuggling up to them
decisions I make now aren't final. Relationships are fluid and dynamic and how they behave informs how I relate to them and how they fit into my family.

You are now in a position of control because you have your own family. She has more to lose than you do. You can ask her to talk about it with you, but as said up thread she may not accept your perspective. I do think this sort of thing is incredibly hard to negotiate on your own, without any 3rd party support (like a counsellor or similar).

Sooty for the long ramble - I'm BF'ing and typing on phone. Good luck with it all

Longdistance · 31/12/2013 08:09

It's alright for your little sister to say forgive your mum, get over it. She wasn't the one abandoned. I'm sure if she was in your shoes, she wouldn't forgive either.

Your mum had nothing but crocodile tears when you confronted her.

You don't need to forgive or forget. It was a shitty thing for your mum to do.

ImagineJL · 31/12/2013 08:14

I would never forgive her. I would want a relationship with her, but it would always be a fairly cool one, and I would certainly never want to depend on her for anything. And I would absolutely have to put my point of view across.

Personally I would write to her, explaining that whilst I want a relationship of some kind with her, for the sake of some attempt at normality, I will never ever forgive her for her astounding selfishness and cruelty. I would spare her no details, write a long account of how you felt when she left, what your life consisted of after she'd gone, what challenges you faced, and ask her what was so wonderful about her life without you that justified putting you through such torture.

Do you discuss it with your brother ever? How does he feel?

OpalMoonstone · 31/12/2013 08:38

Good idea to write Imagine. That way op gets to say everything she wants without the mum interrupting or walking off or something.

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