To not be able to forgive her?

[macdoodle]

My mother.
When I was 15, she left me and my brother (who was 13). My father was an abusive dick, my mother was always scatty (to be kind). She upped one day, took my younger sister (aged 5) and left. To a different country, and went off the grid completely.
Now while I understand some of it, I just cannot understand how she could have abandoned us.
I didnt see her or my sister again for 4 years, until I saved every penny and went looking for them myself.
Living with my dad wasnt easy.
So we have a relationship now, but she has never spoken to me of it, never tried to explain, or apologise, tried to make it up to me. And actually she is still quite a self absorbed, self centred person. She doesnt seem to realise that she abandoned 2 children, that she needs to apologise to us.
I thought I had dealt with it. But as my DD1 gets closer to the age I was when she left, I am finding it harder to deal with. I cannot conceive of leaving my DD's, no matter what. I had to do it all alone, finish school, first boyfriend, going on the pill, school dance, applying for uni, graduating, everything. I didnt have a mother. I cant imagine not being there for all those things for my DD1.
She is staying with me over xmas and NY, she does help with childcare but does little else to help, physically, emotionally or financially. And I am finding it wearing, I think she snipes at me, I have to bite my tongue. Today I snapped at her finally, and she cried, its so hard for her.
My sister thinks I am too hard on her, that I need to move on and forgive her. I think I probably do, it seems to be harder now (as my DD1 gets older and seems to need me more not less). I don't think I can forgive her, AIBU?

Mac doodle. Your situation sounds very sad, and I feel for you. I think counselling can be a good idea but be prepared for a long journey. It can sometimes get worse before it gets better as the pain of the past is dredged up.
Forgiveness is difficult as you may want to forgive her but just can't find the answers you need. My mother did a similar thing to yours, her denial and refusal to talk about things just kept adding to the pain. On the odd occasion that she did answer my questions, I didn't always like what I heard. We muddled along for a few years and have she has now not spoken to me for nearly 10 years. Her choice. She ignores calls and letters. Part of me thinks (hopes) she feels guilty and doesn't want to face it. I've moved along abit, but mourn the fabulous loving mother you hear about, rather than my own selfish one.
Forgiveness is a destination.

Busy what a truly inspirational post for all of us living with pain I don't underestimate how hard you will have had to have worked to have got to that point either, sincerely, from a stranger on the internet, bloody well done x

Just realised that it's the sister your mother 'kept' who is saying you should let it go. Awesome cheek!!!

Have you had some counselling around this OP? It's huge, I think you do need professional support to pick your way through it.

I do feel for you that this terrible event is being ignored and minimised.

I'm in awe of you OP, for even considering that you might want to forgive her, and I'd echo what others have said about making this about what you need, not what your mother (or your sister, cheeky cow!) might want.

My gran did something similar, taking the youngest children and moving abroad, leaving my mum and her sister behind. But she did this knowing that my grandad adored my mum and my aunty, so much less damaging than what your mum did. My mum loved my gran and cared for her when she got older, and made sure that we had a relationship with her, but they didn't have a traditional mother/daughter relationship, more the sort of relationship you'd have with an acquaintance who's fun to spend time with but who you don't really trust.

Maybe, instead of trying to forgive her, you could try to establish a relationship which means you don't have to forgive - that you can enjoy her company whilst it suits you, but don't invest too much in it emotionally.

It sounds like your sister doesn't really have a clue... does she have kids? Maybe talk to her as they approach the age you were when your mum left? Maybe all your (baby, and as the youngest, she'll always be a baby) sister can see you as is the capable 'grown up' sister you've always been, rather than the child you were? And if she sees your daughter as the 'grown up niece' she may not be able to empathise there. But, when it's her baby, she may finally see your point, and there could be healing then?

My mother left and told me she had done her job in raising me and it was now time for her to have her own life. I was 13. She left and did not contact us for six months. Unfortunately, she left me with my abusive father and I was eventually taken into care.

I see no reason to forgive her as I would gain nothing from it. She does not deserve forgiveness and she is not worthy of it. I haven't seen her in 17 years.

I think OP you are better off going with acceptance rather than forgiveness. Accept that your mother will never admit blame or accept responsibility for abandoning you. You have achieved something far greater than her - the ability to support your child - and you did this with no maternal role model.

Hi OP, that must have been an awful thing to go through and it is entirely understandable that you feel angry and completely let down. Not the same situation, but both my parents were fuck ups for years due to alcoholism and DV and I could never raise it with them as they both act as though it never happened. I've paid for counselling for the last two years (nice BACP counselling lady does me a good deal as I've been with her long term) and it's given me a sense of peace I didn't have for years. I don't think about whether I forgive my parents but I can accept that what happened, happened, and I have a decent relationship with them as a result. I also learn't to create boundaries so that my parents aren't able to infringe on my life as they used to do. Ignore your sister, she hasn't suffered what you did. Counselling saved me and I feel happy for the first time in years. I wish the same the for you-you sound like you've done so well in your life despite having all that shit thrown at you.

YANBU.

My dad did this to me. My mother was abusive- physically and emotionally- and he often was too, btw, and one day he took my toddler brother (I was 7) probably because my DBro wasn't his biologically, but another man's child, and left. Completely. My mother and eventually step father were abusive, in a variety of ways. I was in care at 9, adopted at 13.5 (and now have my own proper family).

And one day he came back.

I have no contact with him- I sent an email to him on a new email account I set up to explain why, then closed the account.