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Original poster

To break my cousins trust by telling her mum (14 y/o & lack of contraception)

26 replies

PuddleSkating · 30/12/2013 22:33

My 14 year old (year 10) cousin came to me yesterday terrified as she was late on her period. I got her a test, it came back negative and she said she came on this morning.

I asked if the condom had broken, she said he pulls out instead of using them as they don't work. I asked if she was on the pill and she said no because it made her friends bleed randomly and gain weight.
She said she'd googled pulling out and that it is 'fine as long as he pulls out really early'. She has now said she will use condoms and doesn't want to go on the pill but I have a feeling she's only said this to keep me quiet because of me going on at her, as she spent a while trying to convince me pulling out was fine first.

I feel like I should talk to her mum, as I know I'd want to know if it was my DD, and will feel responsible if she does get pregnant and I've done nothing. But equally I think she may well listen to her mum even less than me, and don't want to make her feel unable to come to me in the future if she ends up in a similar situation.

OP posts:
poopooheadwillyfatface · 30/12/2013 22:35

You absolutely should tell her mum IMHO. Assuming her mum is a sensible sort.

She has an excellent chance of getting pregnant at present, let her mum help her to access reliable contraception.

Liara · 30/12/2013 22:36

No, don't go to her mother, but do drag her by whatever means necessary to a fp clinic.

She needs some contraception. Tell her about vatican roulette...

ITCouldBeWorse · 30/12/2013 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject · 30/12/2013 22:38

obviously she is way too ignorant and immature to be having sex, but good luck convincing her of that.

I think a lift to the clinic, and get them to get some reality and facts into her empty head. If she won't go threaten to tell her mum, and carry out threat if necessary.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 30/12/2013 22:38

Seriously what is it with some teens, when I was 14 I didn't give a shiny shit about bleeding and a bit of weight gain if it meant not getting pregnant!

I'd have tried to press the fact that she's going to have a lot of both if she doesn't use proper contraception. Would she rather have pregnancy weight and bleeding?

I think you're really nice to be worried for her, and I think in your position I would tell her mum. I know it seems like a breach of trust, but if anything did happen you'd probably be angry at yourself, and if it came out you knew she was sexual active.. well that's another story.

Pooka · 30/12/2013 22:40

Oh how worrying.

Is her mother aware that her 14 year old is having sex?

She sounds incredibly poorly informed about contraception. Would she go to her GP with you to discuss contraception/get advice straight from medical professional.

How old is her boyfriend?

My dd is much younger, but remembering me at the same age - no way was I ready for a sexual relationship. I'm quite taken aback. Afraid that that is clouding my responses.

Pooka · 30/12/2013 22:42

FWIW please tell her more about contraception. Googling with her if necessary.

I was on the pill from 16. Never had breakthrough bleeding or weight gain. And, more importantly, didn't get pregnant. Belt and braces pill AND condoms to make absolutely bloody sure.

trashcanjunkie · 30/12/2013 22:43

Oh god. You have my sympathies OP. I have nothing to offer advice wise, but I can share this little gem. My eldest dc lives 'independently' (against my wishes) and he has recently met a girl 'She's not my girlfriend though!' and his method of contraception, he muttered, was to 'pull out' rakes own face in exasperation. Basically he is not interested in anything I have to say on the subject. He knows everything.

He's 17

I'm 36 and too young to be a granny.

SoonToBeSix · 30/12/2013 22:46

Yes talk to her mother she is underage.

Original poster
PuddleSkating · 30/12/2013 22:46

Her mum has probably guessed though I haven't spoken to her in a while. She'll know about her boyfriend (year above her at her school so will be 15/16), and cousin has been rebelling in just about every way possible since hitting teens and her mum and my uncle separating.
I know she's gone home very drunk quite a few times, and not gone home other times as she has phoned me to see if she has turned up at our home.

I offered to make an appointment at the doctors for her, and to do the speaking incase she was embarrassed, but she insisted she didn't want to go on the pill, wouldn't take it if we got it, and would just use condoms.
The threatening to tell her mum unless she at least agrees to speak to the doctor sounds like the best first action currently I think. Hmm

OP posts:
lisad123everybodydancenow · 30/12/2013 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timidviper · 30/12/2013 22:51

We had a similar situation with my niece at a similar age but did not feel it was our place to tell SIL as DN was adamant she would go ballistic. We made sure she went to the teenage advice clinic (can't remember what is was called, Connect or something?) and got proper advice

Mabelface · 30/12/2013 22:53

An implant would be a better option for her, and taking her to the local sexual health clinic may be less embarrassing for her than her GP.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 30/12/2013 22:53

Can YOU not give her some better info on contraception? There are lots of different pills available and not everyone is affected the same. If she finds she's gaining weight or bleeding oddly (not unusual at 14, anyway, may be unrelated) then she can see her GP/family planning clinic and try a different brand.

They should have covered this at school but withdrawal isn't reliable because sperm can be present in "pre-cum" which, usually, the man/boy can't feel coming out, so no way of telling whether she has come into contact with it. Plus the risk of transferring some via fingers or mouths - not a nice, blush-free conversation to have with a 14 year old of course but it is important!

Googling ISN'T always reliable and especially if she's got answers from sites like "Yahoo answers" and even some places that look reputable like wikipedia, in reality they can be edited or posted by anybody and that includes somebody who has misunderstood the facts. It's easy to sound knowledgeable while actually not being right at all. You could illustrate this by telling her something that she probably "knows" as true - some common myth, not contraception related - and then showing her the proof that it's total bollocks.

I think you do have to tell her mum, though, unless her mum is abusive or something like that. Even if she doesn't listen to her she is in a better position to supervise her more closely or persuade her to go on the implant etc.

TheListingAttic · 30/12/2013 22:56

Suggest the jab? Easier to police than the pill...

TheListingAttic · 30/12/2013 22:57

O

Preciousbane · 30/12/2013 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbrick · 30/12/2013 22:57

Her mother needs to know about what's happening. This girl & her boyfriend both need education. The risk of stds is something as well to know on

TheListingAttic · 30/12/2013 22:57

Or implant?

iloveny001 · 30/12/2013 22:59

Besides pregnancy warn about STDs. Pulling out won't stop them, only condoms will.

Moltobene · 30/12/2013 23:02

I would also suggest Brook website, FPA website for fact and links for where to get specialist sexual health advice locally.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 30/12/2013 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 30/12/2013 23:06

i'd also tell her that if someone reports her boyfriend he could get done for statuatory rape

now, this is rarely actioned by the police to court as far as i am aware - but it served as one of many ways i discouraged my kids - particularly my boys aged 16 having sex with 15 yo girlfriends

I also drove them personally to family planning

got them to see the nurse at the doctors - cracking woman had them in fits of laughter - using a banana and a condom

took dd to get the implant ( thats a whole other story)

kids can be stupid - i mean incredibly stupid - it wont happen to them, they wont get diseases, they will love each other forever, a baby wont mean too much disruption they will get benefits and they can pay for everything on £40 a week Hmm

I mean so stupid its scarey.

so i would tell her mum, then tell her mum you will take her to doctors, nurse, family planning, get the implant, get a shitload of free condoms etc

when i took my youngest son and gf to family planning - i waited in the car, they talked to the gf alone and in confidence made sure there was no pressure involved etc,

i mean there was some really good advice out there - however they were mortified as i marched them to the car

i mean i marched them!

can you imagine your mum taking you to a family planning clinic?

I would seriously havre died

but these things need to be done

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2013 23:06

Tell her to use condoms regardless of pregnancy she could catch an std.

Her approach to contraception will leave her pregnant.

Tell her mum.

rpitchfo · 30/12/2013 23:17

Suppose she gets pregnant and the parent finds out she came to you for advice and you didn't let them know.

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