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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I suspect I'm a depressed paranoid mess....

32 replies

Bonkerz · 30/12/2013 22:25

Ok, I already suspect I'm being totally irrational and quite possible a little psycho so let's put it to the (affectionately named) vipers and see how it goes!

Back ground........
Ds age 13, autistic, terrible meltdowns for last 3 weeks. Struggles in crowds and is easily wound up by other children. Ds age 2 is dairy free, not an outside reaction but an inside one where his bowel actually stops working needing medical help if he eats any type of dairy.
MIL not sympathetic about either boys difficulties. Other in laws positively rude and judgemental about eldest sons autism and their children ,although old enough to know better , know which buttons to press and like to light the fire and watch ds burn!

New Year's Eve was meant to be a calm affair at MIL, we had organised to stop over and that she was doing a meal New Year's Day for everyone to join.
Rang mil to check times etc today to be told that I laws are also coming now and stopping over and kids had to bring sleeping bags. Also then told that instead of a dinner (safe for dairy free ds) she was now doing an all night buffet (not safe)!

Already I'm freaking out! Both these new additions to the night mean I will have to remain sober (dh is teetotal but he can't watch both boys) and will be constantly following 2 year old ds around ensuring we don't end up in A&E. Then we have to try and control ds13 but from past experience I just know the nephews will kick him over the edge and me and dh will be seen as the bad ones when ds kicks off.

Mil basically said tough and it will all be ok and if big ds kicks off he should be smacked!! And if small ds eats dairy then dh can go hospital!

I've told them we are no longer coming, dh isn't too happy, have said he can go but he's insisting he will stay with us. I'm sure the dcs will be sad but I cannot deal with the stress. It's been a crap few months and things are dragging me down.

So come on then. Hit me with the YABU!!

OP posts:

HettiePetal · 30/12/2013 22:28

Blimey!

You're facing an evening where one child has free access to food that may leave him needing medical treatment, and another who is almost certainly going to be wound up by his cousins for their own merriment.

And you ask if you're being unreasonable & paranoid?

No, you're not. Personally, I would not go and have a nice, quiet, dairy & cousin free NYE with the kids.

HettiePetal · 30/12/2013 22:30

Personally, I would not go and have a nice, quiet, dairy & cousin free NYE with the kids

Very poor sentence construction there. Sorry.

Personally, I would not go and would instead have a .....etc.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 30/12/2013 22:31

Was worried I had rambled in my OP but you have got it in one (poorly constructed ) sentence!

So why have I let MIL make me out to be the irrational one! ?

OP posts:

bigbrick · 30/12/2013 22:32

This is easy - just don't go and waste time with someone who doesn't care about your kids. Have your own party with them & your dh and enjoy

lilacjellybean · 30/12/2013 22:32

YANBU. You're putting your sons first and you can have some nice chilled (dairy free!) family time at home and that sounds like what you need right now. Hope you have a very happy new year

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/12/2013 22:35

Agree with Hettie and others who say don't go. It's supposed to be fun, and MIL's planned evening does not sound like fun for you, or son who will be wound up by cousins, or son who could end up in hospital.

LiberalLibertine · 30/12/2013 22:36

Don't. You're not irrational, she's thoughtless and ignorant,I wouldn't go either, you'd be setting both boys up for a possible fall and you and dh for a very stressful night.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 30/12/2013 22:36

Thanks for setting my mind straight. I'm struggling to see clearly right now and emotions get the better of me. I can imagine I came across as hysterical to mil who just doesn't get the daily battles!

OP posts:

HettiePetal · 30/12/2013 22:39

How can any self respecting grandmother shrug off the possibility of a toddler ending up in hospital like that?

She's sounds unpleasant and irrational. That's why she's making out that you're in the wrong - because she's an irresponsible, thoughtless piece of work.

Enjoy NYE your way - with safe & happy kids :)

BeerTricksPotter · 30/12/2013 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyingforth · 30/12/2013 22:59

Enjoy NYE your way - with safe & happy kids

As Hettie says - your priority is to your own children. Stay home and enjoy!

angelblue · 30/12/2013 23:14

Definitely a case of ignorant family here, very inconsiderate and you are absolutely right not to go. Enjoy NYE at home x

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/12/2013 23:24

YANBU. We are just conditioned to please others so sometimes struggle with saying no but on occasions like this you just have to, and don't feel bad about it one iota.

Preciousbane · 30/12/2013 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wendywishes · 30/12/2013 23:51

YANBU! Do not dream of going!Happy new year and hope you and your ds's have a lovely time in your own home..worry and stress free..

Original poster

Bonkerz · 30/12/2013 23:52

Thanks all.
I suppose it's the fact that ds appears perfectly fine most of the time that makes it hard! He's struggling this month though and is highly strung thanks to Christmas and holiday etc.......... Mil refuses to believe her other grand children are wind up merchants and the parents are ignorant too (don't want to out myself but BIL and myself have had fight recently where disability discrimination was obvious in his workplace but he refused to acknowledge it and my ds was used as an example) and the Sil looks down her nose at me constantly.
Mil kept asking how id coped with younger ds at other parties I've been too and refused to believe that all my friends and my dsis had actually catered the whole party dairy free ( I helped) so it was safe for ds and he could have everything!

OP posts:

BeerTricksPotter · 31/12/2013 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellasDealer · 31/12/2013 00:09

just do not go it sounds like a nightmare

pricklyPea · 31/12/2013 00:27

Yanbu. They're selfish idiots. What does your husband think, I know you've said he's staying with you.

Bettercallsaul1 · 31/12/2013 00:51

I cannot believe your MIL would put you in this position, OP! She is your sons' grandmother, and to have no concern - and to take no responsibility - for your younger son's medical condition is truly shocking.

She has obviously decided to make the evening a "mass" do, to fit in as many of the family as possible, and has decided to cater for the problem-free majority instead of the particular, very serious needs of your two-year-old.

You had absolutely no choice but to bow out - to go, and have to follow your son around nervously all evening, is no-one's idea of fun and that is the whole point of the gathering! Much better to visit at a different time when both your sons' needs can be properly catered for.

Don't let anyone persuade you that you are being "fussy" or unreasonable. Your children's well-being is your paramount concern - and should be your relatives' too.

BlackDaisies · 31/12/2013 01:00

No don't go, or feel guilty about it. It's late notice but is there anything you can plan or do now that would mean you have a lovely NYE? (Friends round/ go to family/ film night? etc?)

Original poster

Bonkerz · 31/12/2013 08:02

Can't really make plans now. With ds autism it means we are probably destined for meltdowns anyway as have changed the routine and there isn't enough time to prepare him for something else. Going to take kids over to see MIL for an hour this afternoon then bring them home before others arrive. That should atleast bridge the gap (the kids were looking forward to seeing mil). Thanks for all your comments though. I will not let mil win and won't end up a mess after the visit because now I'm sure I've made the right decision

As for dh. He's actually relived I think lol. He hates being around drunk people and New Years is the worst for that lol. Will be out first one at home in quite a few years.

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/12/2013 09:58

You are the nicer more accommodating person. :)

Jinglebellsforthebetter · 31/12/2013 10:07

I hope you have a lovely NYE at home, dairy-free and away from your barmy MIL.

These people do not sound very nice - you do Perhaps 2014 is a good time to create some space between you and them?

Bettercallsaul1 · 31/12/2013 10:22

Good for you - by going round to your MIL's for an hour before the others arrive, you are making. the best of a bad job! You will not be disappointing your children who were looking forward to the visit, but not taking any risks with their safety either. It also keeps the peace with your ILs as they will see your family for a while.

This is more than they deserve - but congratulate yourself on the noble art of compromise!

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