To be bewildered at FIL's behaviour?

[ILoveAFullFridge]

FIL refused to allow dc3 to have both ketchup and brown sauce on his supper, because it was disrespectful to MIL's cooking.

Yet PILs had put ketchup, brown sauce and tartare sauce out, dh had taken all three, dc1 had taken two sauces, and nobody seemed in the least bothered.

He made such a big deal of it! What was worse, we all thought FIL wanted dc3 to finish one sauce before taking another, whichhe did, but FIL would still not let him have the brown sauce.
I really felt dc3 was being bullied, and over a triviality.

Jinsel, I agree.

Shows FIL's true colours, that his adult son is browbeaten by him.

So, now you have a strategy for dealing with mealtime unfairness - sit DS2 away from FIL and between you and DH - well done. Are there other areas where FIL picks on DS2 as well? Now that you've recognised the behaviour for what it is - bullying - you may find the ripples spread far and wide. Sounds like MIL takes some flak too, and DH is used to keeping his head down and keeping out of it. Stormy times ahead I fear - but well done for tackling it!

Why does your DH need time to absorb things? Does he get bullied by FIL to?

My FIL is the same. I use Mumsnet a lot to give out about him. He has undiagnosed but blatantly obvious mental health issues but also suffers from being a dickhead. He tends to be the opposite giving the kids things he has been told not to, he reserves his dickhead ways mainly for lovely MIL. Generally I don't get too worked up about him giving stuff to the kids he is trying to buy their affection because noone else likes him but I would be raging if he behaved the way your FIL did. I would definitely step in, don't have a row just be assertive.

I agree with AnyBags, like it or not you've got to stand up for your kids.

My step-FIL is a horrible, arrogant bully and the whole family makes excuses for him "oh that's just his way" and so on. I normally don't have a problem standing up for myself, but have spent the past 10 years biting my tongue because of DH, who is terrified of confrontation. But the last time they stayed he physically pushed me out of his way, and I realised I couldn't keep quiet any more - because I never want DD to think it's ok to let someone do that.

I have always known that I am not the sort of person the ILs ever imagined their ds would choose (utterly different from them in hust about ecery way possible excrrpt for skin colour) and that FIL does not care for me. So I have always assumed that his behaviour was a combination of his MH issues and personal dislike of me. I learned not to give a monkey's - I love-married-chose-committed to dh, not his parents. They'll just have to cope having me as a DIL. And, while I may not be their choice, they havent got a clue that I'm a bloody good DIL. I wonder whether they realise that, not only could I have kept their only DGC away from them, but that they would not have a relationship with their DS at all after the way they treated him over me, if I had not brokered that relationship.

How arrogant I was to think that it was about me!

Going off on a tangent a bit - but do u think it might be something like early onset dementia? If he's always been a bit of a stickler for things but is now obsessive (and not noticing the other child had 2).

You may be better off having a quietchat with dh's mum and gently asking how things are and if she's worried about his health. Her crying might be indicative of a bigger problem.

He's bang out of order i know and if there isn't a health issue then i woupd get tough/protective for sure. (Don't urine infections cause odd behaviour in old folk sometimes too? Not got chance to double check that.)

PIL would have been told if DS wants 2 sauces he can have 2 sauces. He can have every condiment in the cupboard as long as he eats it. And it would have been DH doing the telling, too.

Pica

That's worth mentioning, I agree. And of course dementia can occur in people who have always been tricky personalities as well.

Pica:

1. No, I don't think anything has changed except dh and my awareness of what FIL really is.

2. I will not ask any such question. I have been treading in eggshells for so many years, doing my best to keep the peace because of FIL's MH. I will not take responsibility for his MH. Because that's what would be expected you me: "you know he is ill, so you should behave differently because of that. He is iller because you did/didn't xyz" etc. No. Just no.

Having MH issues does not excuse being a bully. May explain it, but doesn't mean I should be any more tolerant.

Sorry, typos and autocorrect garbled my post. I'm not saying that you expect me to buckle under because if FIL's MH, but that ILs would.

Ilove

With respect, dementia is a deteriorating neurological condition for which there is no cure and over which the sufferer has no control. It doesn't sound fron what you have said, that this what your FIL suffers from but I thought it worth mentioning just in case his behaviour has worsened in old age - personalit changes, irritability, illogicality can be part of it, along with disorientation, memory problems.

It sounds as if what you are talking about In relation to your FIL is something else - a mental health disorder? If so, what is his diagnosis?

The only MH issue I know of for certain is depression. But there is Aspergers in the family, and I think possibly some OCD, too. He also has had various health issues, some fairly major, in the past. It is noticeable that his mental health and physical health influence each other, but disproportionately. It makes no difference whether the trigger is major or minor, the reaction is always extreme.

It's because of this that I have always trodden on eggshells, trying never to precipitate any crisis or cause him physical or emotional distress.

And just for full disclosure, I, too, have depression. And I believe that I have a degree of Aspergers.

Oh that's tough. I suppose the bottom line is that you protect your children as much as you can.

Would your DH remain silent if FIL abused you in way?

Oh I feel bad for your MIL. Imagine your husband making you cry over some fucking brown sauce .

Has anybody asked what food goes well with a combo of ketchup, brown and tartare sauce?