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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bewildered at FIL's behaviour?

68 replies

ILoveAFullFridge · 30/12/2013 20:30

FIL refused to allow dc3 to have both ketchup and brown sauce on his supper, because it was disrespectful to MIL's cooking.

Yet PILs had put ketchup, brown sauce and tartare sauce out, dh had taken all three, dc1 had taken two sauces, and nobody seemed in the least bothered.

He made such a big deal of it! What was worse, we all thought FIL wanted dc3 to finish one sauce before taking another, whichhe did, but FIL would still not let him have the brown sauce.
I really felt dc3 was being bullied, and over a triviality.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveAFullFridge · 30/12/2013 21:07

I'm not good at PA standing up to people. I'm not good at standing up to people without a fight. And I'm absolutely useless at fighting.

I'm one of those wishy-washy "Let's all be nice to each other" people, who inevitably get walked all over.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 30/12/2013 21:08

Isn't mayo the law with fish finger sarnies?

FIL is a knob!

Original poster
ILoveAFullFridge · 30/12/2013 21:11

The sauces BTW were all at FIL's end of the table, tantalising ds2 because he was sitting next to FIL. At the end of the meal ds1 gave ds2 the brown sauce, FIL returned and took it out of ds2's hand. Blank-featured. Cold, almost.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 30/12/2013 21:11

Maybe try to make a statement to your son. You can have whatever sauce you want, like your dad.

I am also not good at family confrontation. But if you talk to your son, would that be easier?

NewtRipley · 30/12/2013 21:12

X post. That's so irrational. It's beyond the pale really.

PedantMarina · 30/12/2013 21:13

When we have fish & chips, we, all three, have ketchup (a bit), tartare sauce, and garlic sauce (on the chips, and lots).

Oh, and YANBU

steff13 · 30/12/2013 21:16

What is brown sauce and what are sarnies?

It makes no sense to put sauces out on the table and then not allow your child to use them. It's actually really weird. You're his parent, you should get to decide what sauces he uses. And your husband should have stood up to FIL. I would be having a talk with him about that.

NewtRipley · 30/12/2013 21:17

I think if you and your DH can agree ahead of time that if one of you says something the other supports them, you will feel more empowered.

NonnoMum · 30/12/2013 21:21

But, brown sauce and ketchup together are disgusting...

So he's right in that respect.

But then everyone else has them? Dunno.

Helpyourself · 30/12/2013 21:25

That's the sort of thing my very lovely dad would do. Xmas Blush
He hates waste and DGCs tend to pick/ cover with sauce they don't like/ take a bigger serving than they can eat. I cringe when he does it in front of sil, my brothers and I just roll our eyes or serve the dcs ourselves.

CalmaLlamaDown · 30/12/2013 21:25

If my DS agreed to eat salmon and greens, I'd let him have custard on it if he wanted. Your FIL should be impressed your DC are good eaters!

NewtRipley · 30/12/2013 21:27

Helpyourself

Does he do it selectively to one child and not another?

Helpyourself · 30/12/2013 21:32

He does have favourites. Mine are older and I do feel he favours them just because they're less noisy and fussy about food and more entertaining to talk to. And when they were the age of the younger dgcs they were a novelty.

bunchoffives · 30/12/2013 21:33

Steff13
Brown sauce is Daddy's sauce or HP sauce innit
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HP_Sauce

Sarnies are sandwiches don't you know!

Original poster
ILoveAFullFridge · 30/12/2013 22:33

Brown sauce IMO is foul. But that's irrelevant. Ds2 is a good eater - especially with sauce of almost any kind.

It was all just stupid and irrational and then he refused to back down. When MIL asked quietly why ds couldn't have sauce he replied that it was because he had said not and that was that.

He is a quiet bully.

OP posts:
MatureUniStudent · 30/12/2013 23:36

My DFather disliked one of my sons. He would be mean for no reason and I used to keep DS out of his way. Now I think I am crazy and should have actively stuck up for my D S even though my DFather made me scared with his quick and furious anger. I feel shame that I didn't stand up to my DFather over what became Ketchupgate. The other Dc were allowed it without comment but this DS had to face the wrath of his Grandpa if he asked for more. I'd "man up" OP and stand up to your DFather who is a mean bully. And I know how hard that is but I do it now and if it makes it unpleasant and uncomfortable I know my kids are protected from this odd random unkindness.

Noctilucent · 30/12/2013 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwfulMaureen · 30/12/2013 23:52

OP you don't have to fight to stick up for your DS.....what I would do is to simply take the bottle whilst talking cheerily to someone other than FIL and hand it to DS.....and if FIL said anything, I'd simply ignore and talk to DS...."Have you got enough? Ok...then would you like some Tartar sauce as well?"

And FIl would need to directly cross you to get what he wanted....which people like that rarely do...if he DID then you say "No...he's allowed the sauce thanks....just as everyone else is." and fucking stare him out. Wanker. I hate people like this.

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers · 30/12/2013 23:56

You don't have a choice about being wishy-washy and easily walked over when you have DC. You bring the pain to any shitbag behaving badly towards your Dc, family or not.

NewtRipley · 31/12/2013 09:27

Yy AwfulMAureen

That's the sort of thing I meant. The FIl would then be forced to confront the adults, which I doubt he would have the gumption to do if the normal MO is to browbeat children.

If he did confront the OP, that's when she and the DH have to pipe up with a simple statement - "you are being unfair"

Cerisier · 31/12/2013 09:34

Bullying nasty behaviour from FIL. Great advice from AwfulMaureen.

eurochick · 31/12/2013 09:37

What a nasty bully. Someone needs to stand up to him. If it's not going to be your husband, it will need to be you.

Original poster
ILoveAFullFridge · 31/12/2013 10:06

Slept badly last night. Horrible dreams about defending my children. Heart thumping just from reading your comments and facing up to what I have to do.

I told dh this morning that it is not happening again. Ds2 is sitting between us at meals from now on, and if he asks for sauce I will say "Of course" and give it to him, no matter what FIL says or does.

Dh needs time to absorb things. A discussion last night would not have gone down well, but today he was ready to deal with it. MIL was quietly crying last night. I've never seen that before. Aapprently FIL had had a go at her for not backing him up.

I've always seen them as emotionally stupid. For the first time I see them as toxic.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 10:12

Obviously anything fishy and chippy is suitable for brown, tomato or tartar I love brown and tartar and if given a choice will have brown on the chips and tartar on the fish.

Fil sounds bonkers.

Jinsei · 31/12/2013 10:14

Sorry OP, but I think your DH was in the wrong for not standing up to his dad. He had all three sauces on his plate but allowed DS2 to be denied two sauces. He should have set his father straight right there and then.