To consider making a ‘contract’ thing at the start of any future relationships which discusses issues like marriage/finances/housework/pets before even moving in together?

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Probably a silly idea, but I've been thinking about this for a while.

When/If i ever find myself in another relationship, i would want to draw up some sort of 'contract' (can't think of a better word) before moving in together which discusses lots of issues I often see on here that causes problems.

E.g - How chores will be allocated. How the finances will work. What will happen at Christmas (stay at home or visiting)? How will this change when/if we have children together? How will childcare be allocated? How will our working life change? How will the housework roles change? How over-bearing or disinterested do we expect our respective ILs to be? (Huge issue for me as me ex-MIL was extremely overbearing and caused me to have PND). How do we plan to school our children? How do we ensure we have equal time for ourselves/our hobbies (i see frequently on here mums being left home alone with the baby while the dad swans off to the pub/football etc - again this has happened to me in the past). Where will we live? What would we do if our parents became ill? Are we happy to have them live with us?

There are tons of other things i would want to cover as well. But i would want it drawn up like some sort of pre-nup. I know that it would be easy to change your mind/attitude about any of these issues when they do eventually arise, and that a bit of paper isn’t enforceable, but at least everything was discussed beforehand and could be reflected upon. Or it would show straight away a huge difference of opinion on something that could effectively mean the end of a relationship 5 years down the line (e.g. the desire to have another child when it turns out the other partner only ever wanted one).

No doubt, i'll be single forever if a man asks for us to move in together and i present him with my 'discussions booklet/contract'.

But i just see so many things on here and in RL that i believe could have been sorted out/discussed right from the start.

AIBU to think this is a sensible idea? Or has my awful past experience of a relationship with dd's dad (6 years ago) messed me up a bit? (He's chosen to never have contact with her since 3 months old).

Been single ever since. And quite happily, too. I love my independence. I love being able to make day-to-day decisions without negotiating. I like being selfish and doing whatever i want.

But it is very lonely. And i feel as though i might be open to dating these days if i ever meet someone i like. But i just want to ensure i avoid or try my damnest to prevent all the issues reoccurring that destroyed my previous relationship.
I wish that we had tried from the start:

Talking about how MIL's obsessive attitude couldn't continue when our dd was born.

Talking about how scared ex was of his own mother and how he chose to please her over me.

Talking about finances from the start. I ended up having to buy all the baby things myself because he didn't agree half the stuff was necessary (Moses basket, steriliser etc)

Talking about housework from the start (i ended up doing everything).

Talking about how our social lives/hobbies would remain fair. He got to go out every night while i had to stay home.

So basically i would want to discuss all issues - big (marriage/kids/finances), small (housework/social lives/Christmas arrangements) to minuscule (time spent on work at home/time spent connected to a computer/baby names including surname - another thing that often cause issues) that frequently cause confrontation and resentment in relationships to be discussed way before even moving in together.

AIBU? Will i be single forever if i try to implement this? TBH i don't really think I'd mind forever singledom too much.

Thanks for listening to my ramble.

balloonslayer I would say 'someday' didnt sound very im to it. I would want more firm plans if I was very in to kids. We decided when we wanted them, gaps between and names before we married. We want a largish family though so its something best to plan.

DH and I went on a preparation-for-marriage course as strongly advised by the minister who was going to marry us. It was run by a church organisation but wasn't religious, as such. Day one, we filled in a questionnaire, separately, went off for lunch then came back to discuss each other's answers with the facilitator person. It was very far reaching and in-depth, asking us about ourselves, what we thought we knew about each other, how we perceived our own family and that of our partner; how we felt about friendships, how we handled money, what would we do if one of us were infertile and so forth. The second part of the course was a group thing, lots of splitting up into groups to do 'activities' all designed to make us think about relationship things. There were 8 couples there; 2 left midway through (in both cases the bloke marched out with a face like thunder, refusing to engage.... I do hope the girl in each case 'got the message'!). As the facilitator commented, the course could be said to be successful when it caused couples to decide to split as well as when it helped couples to consider all aspects of life together and decide to carry on with getting married!

Incidentally, it was emphasised to us that the 2 biggest ishoos tended to be money and each other's friends!

But the upshot is that DH and I discovered that in fact we were both singing from the same hymn sheet on many levels. We had been living together for 3 or 4 years by then, and we were both in our early to mid 30s which I think helped!

One of the things that I really value about MN is its ability to open our eyes to the wide variety of areas of life where things re not obviously the way we think they are, or not obviously the way our family/village do them.

So would there need to be an annual contract review?

What if a change were to be needed by either party. Would it have to go through arbitration?

Oh my, sounds like a passion-killer!

But in theory it does sound like a jolly sensible idea

yy Trills

And Erebus that sounds ideal.

I wouldn't have a contract, but lots of discussions. Moving in with someone should be seen as a committment akin to marriage. You wouldn't normally marry someone without discussing the stuff in your post so why move in with them? Living alone until you know all the stuff in your OP and are happy with his attitudes makes more sense. Also don't get financially tied to a man you aren't married to, and if things aren't working don't hang around waiting for him to have a personality transplant, ultimatum then move on if no change.

Another couple of 'devil's advocate' questions ..

At what stage would you want to start this process of the (presumably?) sequential check-list for life?.

Any person being confronted by this could well run a mile, just because it would give the impression of "too much emotional baggage from previous relationship" rather than finding out naturally through spending time together and talking.

what happens if they 'agree' to things in the contract, but then deviate or fall short of expectations or plain lie through their teeth ?

In other words what extra security/guarantee would it give you for a successful relationship, instead of just hanging loose and 'playing it by ear'?

I think you probably need to think about you and your needs and your non negotiables. Rather than a contract. There is no point to a contract which can be easily broken without repercussions. But it might be a good idea to understand what makes you happy or unhappy in a relationship.

I think it's a great idea in theory to discuss all this prior to entering into a committed relationship. There are just too many loopholes in practice though. DH and I were very keen to have children together, and spent a long time discussing our views on parenting, discipline, etc. To be perfectly honest, we were bloody brilliant parents during our child-free years - we were in total harmony in terms of how we would raise our well behaved, mannerly, intelligent offspring. Three Dc's later, however, we've had a bit of a reality check. It wasn't quite as simple and straightforward as we'd thought.

Similarly, with regards to housework - when I went to his house for the first time, I was completely blown away by his minimalist clean lines in his immaculate bachelor pad. He told me he was a "tidy person", and the evidence certainly backed that up. In comparison, my flat was cluttered and grubby - life seemed to always get in the way of housework. Fast forward ten years, housework has turned out to be a recurring source of irritation in our marriage. DH thinks if he empties the dishwasher twice a week, he's contributing his fair share to the running of the household. Not so much the tidy person now.

So, yes, I agree in principle with the contract thing - but life changes, as do people, and I cannot see how it would be at all effective in practice.