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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have shamed my mum about her work ethic?

56 replies

Jolleigh · 30/12/2013 02:50

Put simply, my mum was having an almighty moan about her employer this evening. She had many points in this moan, but 2 really didn't sit well with me.

She ranted that her car allowance (a contribution to her insurance) was going to be taken off her, but in practically the same breath stated that she's been claiming petrol costs from them despite having been walking everywhere for 4 months in a slimming attempt.

And in retaliation to being told she couldn't have New Year off work, she's gotten herself signed off sick by the doctor citing a pre-existing condition. She openly told me that she only got herself signed off because they denied her the day off.

I told her that although I can see why certain things were annoying/inconvenient/far from ideal, I didn't really think that after these 2 gems she could take the moral high ground. Many of the things her employer is doing are strictly cost cutting measures and the fact is, employees like her increase running costs and make these measures even more necessary.

I know she's my mum, but surely that doesn't mean I'm expected to act like this kind of thing is ok? She's acting like I've eaten her first born.

OP posts:
TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 30/12/2013 12:15

She's stolen from the Council by fraudulently claiming mileage costs when walking everywhere. I would imagine that's gross misconduct which means she could lose her job.

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 30/12/2013 12:16

If she is upset with her employers she needs to address that through appropriate, legal routes.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 30/12/2013 12:16

Limited - out of curiosity then, why exactly is it acceptable to you to fiddle your expenses?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 30/12/2013 12:21

Because in 30 years I have only met one person who didn't so it seems only polite to conform.

She wasn't that popular in the office because of the discrepancy between her expenses and ours.

However, management didn't say a word, probably because they were all at it too.

Nancy66 · 30/12/2013 12:21

Hate to say it but as soon as I read the OP I thought 'local council' it's an attitude that's pretty endemic with some council workers, especially older ones. My auntie worked for her local council for 30 years and was off sick more than she was there (nothing wrong with her)

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 30/12/2013 12:24

limited your post makes me think of Enron

limitedperiodonly · 30/12/2013 12:28

Does it thefuture?

I can only dream of the expenses I'd have claimed at Enron.

FrogStarandRoses · 30/12/2013 12:32

She's stolen from the Council by fraudulently claiming mileage costs when walking everywhere. I would imagine that's gross misconduct which means she could lose her job.

Maybe - but not necessarily!

A lot of public sector savings have been made by removing the 'checks and balances' that used to take place and instead placing responsibility on middle managers.

So previously there would be a department checking receipts/mileage claims before payment was authorised now the manager is expected to check mileage claims before authorising them directly.

The OPs mother may get a slap on the wrist if she is caught but it is her manager who is more likely to be held accountable if that's the system her employer is now using!

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 30/12/2013 12:36

I disagree Frog unless the manager has been complicit. OP's mother submitted the claims knowing they were false. At worst, the manager has been neglegent by not checking them properly. The manager should get a slap on the wrist but I think the OP's mum should be on a final warning at best.

jacks365 · 30/12/2013 12:40

We're I worked switched from petrol allowance to a mileage allowance it meant you were entitled to claim it irrespective of your method of travel so even if you walked you qualified. The signing off sick does annoy me though.

tethersend · 30/12/2013 12:41

She's your mum.

Assuming she loved and cared for you and brought you up well, I think you could have let this one go, TBH.

limitedperiodonly · 30/12/2013 12:45

When I worked with my George Washingtonesque colleague we had long-established mileage rates between the office and regular appointments.

They were quite generous overestimates.

One day she presented our manager with a much reduced estimate which she'd tirelessly compiled.

He smiled and said we could stick to the old one but he'd be holding her to the new one.

She was trying to get us sacked. I've no idea why she wanted to do that and I never found out because from that day we passed barely a word.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 30/12/2013 12:56

tether - really? I should have not said anything because she's my mum? It looks like a sackable offence to me...I feel I'd be doing her a disservice by not letting her know that. And surely it shouldn't be the 'duty' of a person's children to ignore things their parents may do that they morally don't agree with? What kind of example do we set for our own children turning a blind eye to these things?

OP posts:
fairisleknitter · 30/12/2013 13:00

Jolleigh yanbu.

tethersend · 30/12/2013 13:04

Really. You said you 'shamed' her.

Working on the assumption that she is a loving and caring mum who dedicated her life to bringing you up, I think it's pretty shitty to castigate her for fiddling her petrol.

Pointing out that what she's doing is a sackable offence is one thing, 'shaming' her is another.

fairisleknitter · 30/12/2013 13:10

People get complacent in their own workplace and conform to its norms. It's a good thing (although not comfortable) to get input from another point of view.

whois · 30/12/2013 13:13

Claiming petrol costs when you've been walking is fraud and she could be sacked for gross misconduct. She's a stupid cow really to have been doing that!

Optimist1 · 30/12/2013 13:13

Jolleigh , you're in a very difficult position but I applaud your actions, including the diplomatic change of subject when required! It seems to me that some people move in circles where fiddling expenses, etc is the norm - to an extent that they give no thought to the moral implications. (My sister is happy to tell our mother about her "cleverness" in avoiding paying tax and making the odd fraudulent insurance claim, and I can't keep my disgust to myself.) You've provided a moral reality check for her - whether she chooses to mend her ways or just to keep quiet about it in future remains to be seen!

Original poster
Jolleigh · 30/12/2013 13:15

I can't get my head around the notion that parents are beyond reproach from their children tether.

Say I had an older child who was listening at the time...should I still have kept shtum?

OP posts:
JourneyThroughLife · 30/12/2013 13:21

For heaven's sake, the OP is right. It matters little whether the person in question is a mother, daughter or a complete stranger, claiming expenses for journeys not made is fraud and wrong. Quite right to have it pointed out too.
And throwing a sickie is wrong too. Just wrong.
An employer may be good, bad, ugly or taking the piss but two wrongs don't make a right; the way an employer deals with staff doesn't suddenly make it correct to doing wrong yourself.
If I found one of my own staff doing either of these things I would be having them on a written warning at least, and if they didn't stop, the sack. Not exactly trustworthy is it, and not the sort of people I'd want in my workplace.
If there are problems, these are separate issues and should be addressed in the proper way.

tethersend · 30/12/2013 13:29

I can't get my head around positioning myself as my parent's arbiter of morality.

Is letting her know the potential consequences of her actions not enough?

Well, perhaps that's just the sort of relationship you have with your mother. I'd be quite prepared for mine to tell me to fuck right off if I started trying to 'shame' her for her lack of moral fibre Grin

FudgefaceMcZ · 30/12/2013 14:17

TBH I know a lot of workers of that generation who are a bit like this from various workplaces I've been in. Then they are all off on one that younger employees are 'entitled' for needing time off when kids are sick (which is actually a legal entitlement) or for 20somethings wanting a job in the first place. It's usually not worth arguing with them. However I would tell her she's going to be in deep shit if her boss finds out she's claiming for petrol she's not used- doesn't she have to submit reciepts??

Original poster
Jolleigh · 30/12/2013 14:27

tether - I was more than prepared for her to tell me to fuck off Wink That's her usual style.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jolleigh · 30/12/2013 14:31

I didn't get into the how of it Fudge. I was more concerned about the fact that if she's walking to visits rather than driving suddenly then her productivity is bound to have dropped and her manager will notice.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 30/12/2013 14:45

It's gross misconduct / fraud. In my view anyone who fiddles their expenses and rings in sick when they aren't deserves to be disciplined and lose their job. She has no integrity and I don't think the fact that she's your mother alters that one iota.

If any of my family or friends did this I'd regard them as a criminal and have no respect whatsoever for them. Managers who turn a blind eye to this are every bit as culpable.

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