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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving 17month old with 9 year old,sorry longgggg

53 replies

Cluesue · 29/12/2013 23:56

Not sure I'm in the right place or should be in lone parents but here goes.
Exp has 17month old every Saturday from 3pm,returns by 8.30am Sunday,lots of history with trust issues,him lying etc.
Anyway my older dd(7)came home from school at end of term and said that a girl in her school had told her"your dad pays me £6 an hour to teach your sister on the tablet upstairs in pub while he's downstairs",I asked my daughter to repeat what she said.
I then phoned exp,(I admit I believed what I heard from my daughter,due to past issues with trust,lies,his drinking etc)I kept calm,no shouting,I explained what this girl had said to dd and asked him was it true,he said yes the girl was teaching dd2 but that she was teaching him too and he was there.
I said "ok,that's fine,but can you arrange for me to speak to the girl so she can verify exp is there at all times" "yes no problem" he said.
Fast forward a few days and I haven't heard off him so I text reminding him he said he would arrange for me to speak to the girl,no reply,5hours later i text to say if he cant be bothered to answer me,dont bother coming for dd the next day,he texts back"I've cancelled it now so no problem".
I reply that yes it is a problem,what went on before he cancelled it is the issue,He refused to discuss it any more to which I replied,if he wasn't arranging to clear this up then dd would not be going with him next day,standard reply,I'll see you in court along with f**king bitch etc.
My mum said I should have gone to the pub myself,but it's his local,he is good friends with the people who run it,works for them,parents of the girl etc.ive been I'll with PND and really cannot enter a hostile environment without prearrangement,and also I feel because he knows them,he set it up,it should be him that sorts it.
he withheld the DD's Christmas presents too
At no time have I stopped him coming to see dd,I have always been civil with him,would never cause atmosphere in front of kids.
I offered him to come here Christmas day,I offered to take DD's to his boxing day as previously arranged,he's said no to all,it'll get sorted in court,yet he's telling people I've stopped him seeing dd
So frustrated

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/12/2013 00:08

Don't know whether I've read that right, he's got a lass teaching your 17 month old how to use a tablet and you're worried he's leaving them alone upstairs in the pub while he's downstairs?

BlackDaisies · 30/12/2013 00:10

Very frustrating. I know that if it did go to court, they'd need evidence of neglect. Maybe you could approach the school and ask for any support/advice, since your ddi has said it's a girl from school who's said this. Otherwise call ss and ask their advice. Either way I think if you have genuine concerns that your dd is being left without proper care then you have no choice but to stop contact (unless supervised by you) until you look into it.

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 00:11

Yes agent

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 30/12/2013 00:14

TBH, leaving a toddler with a slightly older child in what is essentially the upstairs of his friend's house isn't the issue here. How much does he drink when he has the children?

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 00:15

I have thought about ways it could go it court,I'm hoping the judge will agree with me that it's not asking too much for him to arrange this to put my mind at ease,it hurts that I gave him the benefit of the doubt last time there was a care issue and then this happens,we have been going to mediation previous to this

OP posts:
InTheRedCorner · 30/12/2013 00:16

Let him go through the court.

He is leaving a 17m old with a 7 year old and paying the 7 year old to babysit whilst he is in the pub.

Common sense says no no no

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 00:17

It isn't an upstairs flat,it's a restaurant upstairs,the girls father is the chef,he's not supposed to drink while he has her,we agreed this in mediation

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/12/2013 00:18

I can understand why you might think that's not very plausible then, it's a bit of a bizarre story to make up.

He's always going to stick to his story that he was with them all the time though isn't he?

Where was your DD1? Was she stopping at his too?

BrianTheMole · 30/12/2013 00:19

He's leaving a 7 yr old in charge of a 17 month old upstairs in the pub? Or is the child in charge older?

BuntyPenfold · 30/12/2013 00:21

I have no experience of this, Cluesue, but you sound responsible and caring and your Ex does not.
Why would the girl make up that story? Can you talk to her more?

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2013 00:23

Is it a good idea to drag the 9 YO into this though Bunty?

It's not her who's done anything wrong if he has left the baby with her.

gobbynorthernbird · 30/12/2013 00:23

Ah, ok, sorry. I assumed that it was living accommodation and they were sat in the living room or something.
So he's spending contact in the pub, and your DC is in an environment where people are drinking. Let him take you to court.

TheFabulousIdiot · 30/12/2013 00:23

The op's older child is 7.

The child looking after the 17 month old is 9 and in school with the OP's older child.

Karenblixen · 30/12/2013 00:33

Where was your older DD when this happened? Is she not at her day's at the same time as the younger DD?

Karenblixen · 30/12/2013 00:34

At her dad's (autocorrect)

TheFabulousIdiot · 30/12/2013 00:34

Different father?

Karenblixen · 30/12/2013 00:35

I don't think so, as the girl at the school said "your dad pays me" TheFab

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/12/2013 00:38

If she's saying this in school,it will be picked up on.

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 00:40

Hi sorry to confuse,the girl who was teaching is 9,my oldest Dd is 7,no she wasn't there,she won't stay there,she said he's shouty so refused to go after first few times.
I know it's not ideal to want to involve a nine year old,but he's not offering any other witnesses,just saying he didn't leave them alone.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 30/12/2013 00:43

As the nine year old has volunteered the information, I think it would be reasonable to talk a little more, or talk to her parents.
Of course, this other child is not to blame for the situation but she might clarify things very simply.

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 00:43

Yes different father but he's the only dad she's ever had,got together when she was 4,she's 8 in a month.She started calling him dad herself.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/12/2013 00:44

It must be agony for you to have to hand your DD2 over to someone who your 7 YO refuses to stay with Sad

Would the court take your DD1 saying that as proof of everything not being as it should? (don't know what kind of thing they need)

Bogeyface · 30/12/2013 00:49

Let him take you to court. He wont, because a) he wont be able to afford it and b) it involves effort.

A man who spends less than 24 hours a day with his child and most of that is either in the pub or asleep, will not put himself out to go to court. Stick to no contact and I bet you a weeks wages that by next Xmas he will be a distant memory through his choice.

Bogeyface · 30/12/2013 00:49

Sorry that should "less than 24 hours a week"

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2013 00:51

That'd mean social services (?) going round to talk to the girl though Bunty, even though I'd want to protect any children who were at risk of harm, I'm not sure I'd be very happy with my 9 YO being involved in someone else's relationship/contact problems regardless of what they'd said/done.

It's not for her to clarify anything to the authorities IMO, she's only 9, it's about them making sure the dad looks after his DD properly.

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