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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving 17month old with 9 year old,sorry longgggg

53 replies

Cluesue · 29/12/2013 23:56

Not sure I'm in the right place or should be in lone parents but here goes.
Exp has 17month old every Saturday from 3pm,returns by 8.30am Sunday,lots of history with trust issues,him lying etc.
Anyway my older dd(7)came home from school at end of term and said that a girl in her school had told her"your dad pays me £6 an hour to teach your sister on the tablet upstairs in pub while he's downstairs",I asked my daughter to repeat what she said.
I then phoned exp,(I admit I believed what I heard from my daughter,due to past issues with trust,lies,his drinking etc)I kept calm,no shouting,I explained what this girl had said to dd and asked him was it true,he said yes the girl was teaching dd2 but that she was teaching him too and he was there.
I said "ok,that's fine,but can you arrange for me to speak to the girl so she can verify exp is there at all times" "yes no problem" he said.
Fast forward a few days and I haven't heard off him so I text reminding him he said he would arrange for me to speak to the girl,no reply,5hours later i text to say if he cant be bothered to answer me,dont bother coming for dd the next day,he texts back"I've cancelled it now so no problem".
I reply that yes it is a problem,what went on before he cancelled it is the issue,He refused to discuss it any more to which I replied,if he wasn't arranging to clear this up then dd would not be going with him next day,standard reply,I'll see you in court along with f**king bitch etc.
My mum said I should have gone to the pub myself,but it's his local,he is good friends with the people who run it,works for them,parents of the girl etc.ive been I'll with PND and really cannot enter a hostile environment without prearrangement,and also I feel because he knows them,he set it up,it should be him that sorts it.
he withheld the DD's Christmas presents too
At no time have I stopped him coming to see dd,I have always been civil with him,would never cause atmosphere in front of kids.
I offered him to come here Christmas day,I offered to take DD's to his boxing day as previously arranged,he's said no to all,it'll get sorted in court,yet he's telling people I've stopped him seeing dd
So frustrated

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 00:57

I did try to stop overnights before agent because my dd1 also said he left dd2 to cry in her cot at bedtime,which I dont do at home,but the lady in mediation said that in court this would be seen as different parenting skills and he swore blind he didn't leave her to cry.
I have offered day contact so he can spend quality time with dd2 but he won't have it,it has to be a saturday night.
He only has her awake for 3.5 hours because by the time he leaves mine it nearly 3.30 and she usually goes to bed at 7pm and he sometimes wakes her to come home in morning
I could slap myself for being so stupid having a child with this man.
I feel ive ruined Dd1's life,between all this,dd2 and PND,her home life has changed dramatically,and poor dd2,what a life she'll have with parents fighting over her

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 30/12/2013 00:59

If my 9 year old suddenly had all that money, I think I would notice....am I being naive to think her parents must have realised? Don't they know where their daughter is?

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 01:01

So,sit and wait then Sad

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 01:11

What on earth are the parents of the nine year old thinking of?

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2013 01:13

Is the dad of the girl (the chef) working and the restaurant open while they're up there?

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 01:21

I assume so as its a Saturday.I know a lot of people are probably thinking"why doesn't she just go the the pub and speak to them" but I know the owners would be on the phone to exp if he isn't in there already,he literally lives 20 steps away.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/12/2013 01:25

SS would be very sensitive to the child, they wouldnt go in guns blazing, they will just want to verify whether this child is being left in charge of a 17 month old. If she is and there are issues with her parents allowing that, then that is their problem not the OPs. Her child shouldnt be allowed to suffer on the basis that another person has allowed their child to be used in this way.

OP, I really would stop contact on the basis that you cant ascertain who is actually taking care of your child. He wont give you the facts or help you to sort this out, so you would be fully justified in stopping contact.

Bogeyface · 30/12/2013 01:26

Actually, if the chef isnt the LL, why is his DD at work with him? That alone would be of interest to SS, so actually you might be doing 2 children a disservice by watching and waiting.

Also, I very very very much doubt he is paying her. He is handing over his iPad and sending them both upstairs so he can get pissed with his mates.

Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 01:27

Do you know the parents of the 9 year old?

I'm sorry but there are several elements here which are just boggling me.

Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 01:29

What's an "LL"

To be honest I'd be almost as worried for the 9 year old as the toddler.

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2013 01:35

Landlord Caitlin?

The restaurant must be packed on a Saturday night, not somewhere a child should be supervising a baby.

But would the customers/other staff not notice? Unless they're in a backroom or something? Even then they're going to take note of two unattended children, surely somebody would say something about that?

Could your ex be telling the truth this time OP? I've worked in busy restaurants and there's just no room for anyone who's not eating/serving/cooking.

Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 01:37

Thanks, worked it out as soon as I'd pressed submit. This sounds extremely odd.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2013 01:45

It all sounds like a nightmare. I would stop any & all unsupervised contact, let him take you to court if he bothers his arse - which I doubt he will.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2013 01:47

While you're about it, stop beating yourself up, we all make mistakes. You can't change who DD2's father is and you can't change what has happened to DD1 through it all, but you can do you best to keep him away from them both now.

Jolleigh · 30/12/2013 02:02

If this is actually happening, it's shocking behaviour on your ex's part.

I do wish you'd posted before confronting him though...my advice at that point would have been to visit the restaurant upstairs at the point it was likely to be happening, then if your baby is there being looked after by a child, take the child (explaining to the girl that you're the mother) and pay a little visit to your ex in the pub below. It would be beyond refute then. And the fact that you'd been able to just take the baby would be a glaringly obvious reason a 9 year old shouldn't be left in charge.

As it is (sorry, my suggestion above isn't exactly helpful at this stage!) you're doing the right thing stopping contact if you have reason to think he's drinking. I'd be interested to see if he does bother taking it further. If he was doing this, he obviously doesn't actually care about seeing the baby.

Solongsucker · 30/12/2013 08:26

The "babysitter's" parents must know, wouldn't they wonder where she was, and where the money was from?
Sounds complex and difficult getting a credible witness to support you.

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 09:11

I don't know them,all my daughter knows is the girls first name and that they are polish

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluesue · 30/12/2013 09:14

Didn't enter my head jolleigh,but to get to the restaurant you have to go through bar so I would have seen him first,in hindsight that would have been best,was too mad to think of it

OP posts:
pixiepotter · 30/12/2013 11:38

Bit confused.How is this any different to going to a friends house and your toddler going upstairs to play with their 9 yr old

And you insisting on your EX arranging for the child to speak to you.I don't honestly know how I would arrange for the young daughter of one of my friends to speak to a random adult they don't know

Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 12:41

pixiepotter it's not at all the same. The children are in a restaurant, a work place, not some one's home. The parent of the 9 year old is at work in a place which will have large numbers of the public coming and going. Would you be happy with your children being stuck in a corner of a restaurant all afternoon?

pixiepotter · 30/12/2013 14:36

Ah ok I had missed the bit about it being arestaurant, I thought it was the living quarters above the pub

JohnnyBarthes · 30/12/2013 15:10

If it's the afternoon/early evening the restaurant might not actually be open - the chef dad might be doing all the prep for the night ahead.

Not that the set up sounds ideal, I can just see it not being quite as dreadful as people are envisaging. Lots of children grow up in pubs and restaurants and spend a lot of time in public areas without being put in any danger.

maddening · 30/12/2013 17:41

Could you allow contact and then send some people that exp doesn't know to go and have a meal there and a witness exp alone downstairs in pub without dd and dd upstairs with 9 yr old? It might cost something in meals for the people but you would have witnesses.

maddening · 30/12/2013 17:42

But Johny - fair enough a slightly older child but 17mo is a bit young.

JohnnyBarthes · 30/12/2013 17:48

17 months seems absurdly young for any period beyond ten minutes or so, that's true.

I just see as many visions in people's minds of the scenario as there are posters. In my mind's eye it was a deserted restaurant area in a naice pub, no punters. I even imagined the pass, where the chef dad could look right out on his daughter and the baby as he duxelled some porcini. Others were imagining a crowded spit and sawdust dive full of drunk people and floors covered in fag buts.

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