Why are parents and PILs so territorial? (bit of a rant, sorry)

[ChristmasDayIsAGoodDay]

What I mean is: why do the older generations always expect you to come to them all the time? It's like they'd drop off the face of the earth if they had to travel anywhere. For years my MIL avoided coming to our house as it 'didn't feel right' as it was my house (I bought it before I met dh, but we now co-own and share all bills etc )

This is our second year as parents (dd is 14 mo) and we have spent the last few days going back and forth between relatives' house to visit them on their thrones

Next year we're staying put!

Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes! My PIL are like this. It's so annoying and inconvenient. They do manage to travel the twenty minutes to our house on Christmas Day, but my mil has made it very clear she can't be bothered to host Christmas dinner, so I suppose this is why they make the exception on one day.
They don't do it with a good grace though. My fil makes a massive fuss about our couch being uncomfortable and refuses to sit on it, he always says he feels unwell so barely touches any food and they never say anything polite about the meal or the day.
I wish I knew why they are like this. They don't appear to like me/approve of me very much, but they don't seem to visit their other child in their home either.
Why do you think your relatives are like this? Any ideas?

I think my MIL is a control freak likes to feel in control. She is quite happy at my BIL/SIL's house (probably because she was very involved on the process of buying it -long story). However, that is only until her nemesis the other grandparents turn up and then she gets all moody and leaves.

yes, my mum was like this - we always had to go there for Christmas Dinner, or tea. She would never come to us. Eventually my brother put his foot down and said she had to go there for her dinner. Not as if she had to do anything, even get there as she was picked up and dropped off! I, on the other hand, am a MIL, and neither my son or his lovely wife have been to see us, or phoned us to thank us for their presents, which we dropped off at his wifes mothers house as they were going there for the day. Oh, and in case you're wondering - it's a few minutes in the car, and 15 mins max on foot. Maybe I should've made more fuss!

My 85 year old parents drove over an hour on the Motorway to see us and stayed over friday saturday. they view it the other way. My dcs and dgcs live near me so it make sense to them for 2 of them to drive over rather than 10 of us go to them It started when dgcs were babies and they said it was easier for them to come to me and then dcs could pop up for a few hours around dgcs sleep etc. I expect it will change as children get older and my Dps get less able to drive.

Not all are like that! In fact it's very unusual.

My parents won't visit us. I think it's because Mum sees herself as the family matriarch, and their home as the "family home" and the hub of the family.

I think that's it Bonnie.

My PIL never visit us. Admittedly we live quite a long way away, but they could easily take the (direct) train. We've just got back from visiting them again, during which time MIL spent most of the time playing online scrabble. And yet the emotional blackmail if we don't go.... My parents visit us quite often, and we go to then too, so it's somewhat easier.... What really grates about PIL is that they're not at all short of either time (both retired) or money, and are perfectly capable of going on holiday several times a year.

It took 10 years for my parents to come to us for Christmas. Before that, when I was married to my first husband and then for years when I was a single parent, I was expected to go to them. It's the second time they've come to us and all they did was complain about how I do things differently to them and, therefore, the wrong way. I am 50 ffs.

My parents used to visit more before dc2, now there isn't much space. I think they feel awkward about disrupting our sleeping arrangements.
They also like things just so and are a bit fussy.
But I like going to stay there, I get looked after and come back refreshed.

I have lived in my current house with my DH for 3 years now and my mom has only been to visit a maximum of 10 times! Seriously! It's only a 25 minute drive away but it always feels that we have to go to her. Even if she has bought something for me she won't say, "When can I come over and give it to you?" It is always, "When do you want to come and get it?" It's bizarre!!

My DMum has readily relinquished the "matriarch" role and my family all come to our house now. It probably helped that my DParents downsized some time ago, so we simply don't all fit in their current house.

Whereas DPILs still rattle around in live in their huge family house and it's only been since we've lived in a place big enough to host everyone that the contention has arisen. Once there are DCs in the equation it's far easier (until they are much older, that is) for one or two people (the older generation) to travel than uproot DCs, baby equipment, presents, etc etc.

My parents have only just started visiting me. I'm not close by but it's no more than a two hour drive.
Which they were always happy for me to do on a Friday night after work, would get a bit pissy if I didn't set off until a Saturday morning to spend the weekend with them. But more or less thought it a ludicrous suggestion that they could come and see me travelling at the same times (they were tired after work you see).

I often used to point out that motorways go both ways but they'd just laugh it off. I try to visit them every 6wks and now that I live with my BF they are making the effort to come and see us.
I think they've realised that my life is definitely here now and when we (hopefully) have a family they'll also have to put in some effort, in order to see the GC (they still leave at breakfast on a Sunday but moan at me if I leave before 2pm but you can't win them all).

when you give birth you earn the right to have people come to you. tell them.

I am much happier going to my mums. Hosted Christmas a couple of years ago and found it all a bit too stressful. Couldn't even contemplate it with a baby in tow. This year all we had to worry about was keeping our baby happy and whether to have a second helping of trifle. Don't get what the problem is. Mind you our parents are all in the same town which makes life easier :-)

My PIL are pretty good actually (in fact they sometimes stay in a hotel even though there is room for them, as they recognise we all need our space!)

But my mother.. well, she says it is due to health issues but it's not stopped her from driving to Holland (she lives far down in the south west, we're Londonish area) or even holidays abroad. So I am unconvinced.

In ten years she has visited us precisely four times, most times immediately after the birth of a baby so she can hold it for a bit, pretty much.

On the other hand we have dragged all the children on epic 8 hour (if the traffic is good - 15 hours it's been sometimes) car journeys across the country with all the costs and effort involved with that. We pay £1000+ for a week in a cottage in the tourist resort she lives in, as there is no room at hers, and DH has to take time off work, we lose paid for days at DCs' nursery, we can only go in the school holidays so the crowds and prices shoot up. Or she could pay £40 or so for the train, get dropped off at the station her end, get here in five hours without changing trains, we pick her up from the station (so no walking involved at all except from drop off zone to train) and she can stay in our spare room and never leave the house if she wants. But she won't.

I love my mum very much and would love to see her more often but we can't afford to. I wish she would make a little more effort, she knows she doesn't have to do anything when she's here, I just want her company. There's never any problems/fights/anything at all on the rare times she does come - she's very laid back as are we. I think in her case she just likes her creature comforts around her basically. Plus she smokes, we're smoke-free and we ask her to use the private sheltered patio with chairs etc outdoors - maybe she can't face having a smoke without relaxing on her sofa, who knows. I think the health thing is a red herring as really it's far less effort sitting on a train for a few hours with a good book than a trip round the shops which she regularly does.

DC4 is due in March so travelling for us will be even more complex!

So yes, I hear your frustration!!

I wish mine were, they come and visit and I have to clean!

I must be hugely lucky with mine then - all of whom have travelled to 12000 miles / 28h plane flight to spend time with us (because it's cheaper for one of them to come to us than all 4 of us come to the uk). My dad visited this year for Christmas, he's 78.

YANBU with regard to your family but you are generalising a bit.

Just this afternoon my mother denied that I do a 60mile round journey every weekend to see her. She has decided I only live about 10 miles away and doesn't see why I'd have an issue continuing the ritual every weekend now I'm 6 months pregnant

I think some parents like to feel like the queen bee and it's very sad. They don't seem to want to hand over to the next generation. Mine has the big house in the area we grew up in but can't afford to live in (bitter) so everyone gathers there for events which is nice, but it means that things don't move forward. The younger members of the family don't get to see each other outside the context of the matriarch and her domain.

This has caused a lot of problems in our family and I would suggest that you see your siblings as much as possible without the presence or knowledge of your mother. That way you become more connected with each other and can move into the next generation side by side rather than via a pernickerty old lady at her behest.

This is so sad. I am a DM and MiL and would travel to the ends of the earth to see my DC and DGS.

Please have that conversation with your DPs/PiLs again. Crispy that is just awful - I can't believe your mother doesn't realise how much is involved for you and your family to see her regularly.

My mum travelled on her own, 8 hours up and down the country to see us every 2 months for years, staying for a week or so at a time.
My husbands parents lived only an hour away and visited us maybe twice a year for an hour or so.
We moved nearer my mum and she comes over every week even though she lives about 45 minutes away.
I haven't seen my husbands parents for a year and a half since we moved because they won't visit us and I refuse to travel that far anymore. My husband has seen them once, for 20 minutes as he was passing through.
We have 3 kids, 2 dogs, 6 cats, huge tropical fish tank and lots of small animals so we can't just leave them for a few days so it makes sense they visit us. They still can't be arsed and we have stopped inviting them.

Having hosted christmas for the last 5 years, well I'd quite like someone else to offer with all the work and money involved.

Yes PIL won't visit us..They live quite far away. So we need to use loads of our holidays visiting them and then can't go away as a family. It is annoying. They could get a train to see us.