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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why are parents and PILs so territorial? (bit of a rant, sorry)

45 replies

ChristmasDayIsAGoodDay · 29/12/2013 14:14

What I mean is: why do the older generations always expect you to come to them all the time? It's like they'd drop off the face of the earth if they had to travel anywhere. For years my MIL avoided coming to our house as it 'didn't feel right' as it was my house (I bought it before I met dh, but we now co-own and share all bills etc )

This is our second year as parents (dd is 14 mo) and we have spent the last few days going back and forth between relatives' house to visit them on their thrones

Next year we're staying put!

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:

TheBookofRuth · 30/12/2013 07:40

I wish my MIL was like this, she's always inviting herself for bloody visits, and once here she tries to completely take over. In her eyes, the house is DH's, not ours (because I'm a SAHM so don't pay the mortgage), and therefore as his mother she, not I, is the Lady of the House. Drives me crackers

exhaustedandannoyed · 30/12/2013 07:42

We live close to ILs but we always go to them for lunch etc, I don't like it when they come to us as MIL starts cleaning everything. Yesterday she came over to watch the DCs so DH and I could get on top of the housework but she couldn't resist and after a bit abandoned her childcare duties to start cleaning up in a room which was not even on our priority list for the day

HappTeeNewYear · 30/12/2013 07:50

Well, why are most children so territorial? How easy do you think it is to pack up 10,000 pills (Including the ones that nice Arthur, you know, Arthur, Mildred's oldest? Oh you remember Mildred? She lived 2 houses down from your Great grandmother? What do you mean your great grandmother died when you were a baby? Anyway, Arthur is a homoeopath now and he's given me some lovely pills that he says have a memory of my youth, he's so clever, that Arthur, and will cure everything. Here, try one!) and their hot water bottles (Did I tell you? Bill, Susan's baby? You know, Susan? Used to go to school with Aunt Millie's husband's brother? Yes, you do know her! Anyway, Bill says a hot water bottle will work for anything! I'm sure I'll be cured soon! I've gotten you one for Christmas by the way, I have the receipt though, since I know how picky you can be tut) not to mention all the presents for my beautiful and perfect grandbabies! (Speaking of which, that baby needs a hat. No, I don't think it's too warm. It's only 10 out there! The baby needs a hat! And socks! And a cozy toe. So clever these prams these days, we never had such things!)

Weller · 30/12/2013 08:17

When I use to visit my parents I always felt at home as it had been my family home whereas on the few occasions they visited me I know they felt like house guests and never really relaxed.

Mrsantithetic · 30/12/2013 08:25

My parents come most days. Both live locally, my mother lives a little too local.

Pil also live locally but don't tend to come round. They have done but we tend to go there

whois · 30/12/2013 09:30

My mum and dad often travel to see me, much much more than I do to see them. Makes sense - they're retired and I work.

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2013 09:43

get in early, around September, call and say "its such a hassle travelling with a child, so this yeae we're going to stay at home and host, let me know if you want to spend Christmas with us and I'll make sure I get a turkey big enough." frame it this way, they are deciding not to see you, not the other way round. If they complain about not seeing you "well we did invite you, you can still come. Its your choice."

It was soo nice not having to try to keep a hungry DS going until MIL's Christmas dinner at 3pm (too early to be tea, too late to be lunch), which he'd not eat and she's take as a slight on her cooking. Not having to pack the entire boot of things just for one day for 2 DCs (one a baby). Not having to give DS his toys, let him play with them for all of 30 minutes before having ot get him ready to leave the house. I'm going to host every year now, it's more expensive, but my god it makes for a better Christmas. If no one comes, that's a shame, but I'll keep repeating, it's their choice. I'm not moving.

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2013 09:44

oh and remember, it's you that holds all the cards! A lot of mums and MILs do still think they are the matriarch of the family, but they aren't. You don't have to do what htey want. You only have to refuse once, let them see that you control where the children of the family go now, before you will find that they will start fitting in with you rather than miss out.

DameDeepRedBetty · 30/12/2013 09:50

Tee Have you stolen my mother????

HappTeeNewYear · 30/12/2013 10:04

Just quoting mine Dame!

manchestermummy · 30/12/2013 10:05

My MIL definitely views herself as the head of the family and is always insisting we go there. She views her house as superior and the one we would like to spend all our time because it has a bigger garden (it doesn't) and because it's detatched. Yes, we must like hers more because it's detached. Our house is a semi - the shame of it - but three times the size, clean, warm, fully functional and without broken 7th steps etc.

She's coming for lunch on Wednesday and has decided we are having trifle. I hate trifle. The DDs hate trifle. I was planning on making something not a shitty Asda smart price trifle so I guess she's saved me the bother.

cjel · 30/12/2013 10:12

I do travel (3miles) to see my dd and ds, I also think that you should remember that not being the 'home' any more is an adjustment that women have to make and I wouldn't be so hard on all these people you are dismissing as matriarchal, I would ask you to consider at what stage do you envisage not having your dcs come 'home'? - When they are 16, when they go to uni? when they get a serious partner? when thye marry when they have dcs?It is not always a case of parents being 'nasty or selfish' but just a case of them not keeping up with the changes in their dcs lives.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 30/12/2013 10:26

We live 4-5 hr trip away from MIL (by train or car). We probably visit her about once or twice a year. When we see her she constantly talks about how it's a shame she doesn't see her DGC more often.

DH and I both work, the DC are now both at school, it's harder for us now to travel that distance just for a weekend (and the M6 on a Friday evening is not fun!). MIL is retired, has own car, and good rail link if she doesn't fancy driving (and I can well understand that, it's a long way). She is not rich but definitely comfortably off.

But then she never phones us - I encourage the children to phone her regularly. She stayed for Christmas this year, at our invitiation, but we have now been summoned to stay for her birthday weekend at the beginning of Feb (although DH has just announced that he's away for work until the Friday of that week, so when the travelling is supposed to happen I'm not quite sure...)

We go and stay at my parents for a week in the summer (about a 3 hr drive), all other times they come to us as they are retired and more flexible about their time. They're also keen to see their DGC and actually do something about it!

StaggeringOn · 30/12/2013 10:33

I do host Xmas because my elderly parents asked me to, so they can see some of their 8 dcs, and dgcs, and dggc. We can cope with large numbers. As we are all scattered, visitors stay for quite a few days, some at our house, some at nearby B&Bs. It's lovely to see people, including my dgs, but I am not worried if they are not there. If one family doesn't come, it means space for another, or less work for me.Lots of other days in the year to see them. But gcs' parents do not seem to mind visiting at all, as they get lots of time off to see their friends and go shopping. They stay for a week! It's very tiring though. I'm ready for a rest.

fluffyraggies · 30/12/2013 10:34

For 9 years XH and i lived a 15 min walk (2 min drive) away from his parents. They came to our house exactly twice. Despite us inviting them round for various events and occasions. The first time the came round it was to see DD1 after her birth. The second time they came round was to accuse me of 'stirring trouble' between them and one of their other DILs. I hadn't done anything ... they had caused the trouble all by themselves as usual. On both occasions the visit lasted apx 10 mins and FIL kept his coat on and sat on a hard chair in the corner, and MIL perched on the very edge of the sofa.

We, however, were expected to go to theirs each and every weekend of our married lives, and once the GCs were born they expected us to continue to go to theirs on xmas day so they could see the kids. (They were in perfect health, these people, btw - and they traveled to Australia once a year to see relatives - but the 2 min drive to ours was obviously too much for them).

Once our DCs began to come along i refused to go anywhere on xmas day - my parents would come to us for the afternoon or day to give prezies to their GC - and that's when the rot really set in with MIL. There was no way she was coming out of her house on xmas day. Everything had to be on her terms, done her way. She was like a bloody great spider who wouldn't come off her web and expected her 3 sons to cart their families to her all the time! 1 would. The other 2 wouldn't. XH was one of the 2 that wouldn't.

Bloody woman.

(i'm remarried and my new MIL is lovely. All give and take and it's so much nicer.)

diddl · 30/12/2013 12:10

My ILs think that we should do the visiting as we moved away.

They have never been here & hardly know the kids.

Even on the years we said we wouldn't go, they still wouldn't make the effort.

Their loss.

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2013 15:57

ManchesterMummy, just forget she's bringing it. That's what I do with my my mum's bad food suggestions.

or "oh MIL, I knew you said you were bringing a triffle, so kind of you to save us the bother of making one. I've got a chocolate cake we didn't get round to opening over Christmas as well that needs eating up before it goes off, so we've got a couple of options if anyone would prefer that."

Fairyliz · 30/12/2013 17:53

My in laws live 150 miles away and have visited us twice in 25 years! We have to visit 6 times a year and despite the fact that they have four bedrooms stay in a hotel, as we disturb their routines! We end up paying so much for petrol / hotels we can't afford a family holiday

SanityClause · 30/12/2013 17:59

My parents live abroad, so rarely visit, but I can't complain about their efforts.

PIL on the other hand, expect us to travel to them, except if they are going on holiday, when they will come to "visit" for a few days before using DH as a taxi service to get them to the airport.

friday16 · 30/12/2013 18:03

My in laws live 150 miles away and have visited us twice in 25 years! We have to visit 6 times a year

Have to? Do the police come round and threaten to taser you into the car or something?

We end up paying so much for petrol / hotels we can't afford a family holiday

So stop it, then.

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