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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have banned all screens for the rest of the day

31 replies

DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:17

DS is 6. While I was in the shower his younger sister hurt herself - there was a huge crash and then screaming. I rushed down but although it sounded bad she was actually screaming in fright and wasn't really hurt. This happened in the hall and at the time DS was on the sofa playing the Wii, about 3 metres away at most, with a view through the doorway.

DS hadn't even got up or stopped playing to see what had happened. I'm furious with him. Of course a 6 year old can't be responsible for his siblings, but his complete disinterest and lack of empathy was surely inexcusable. I've told him that I'm extremely disappointed and that screens are never more important than a person. He seems a bit nonplussed. Surely IANBU?

OP posts:
MyBachisworsethanmybite · 29/12/2013 12:23

How are you going to read replies if you have banned screens?
If the ban is not for everyone does that make you more or less unreasonable?

littlewhitechristmasbag · 29/12/2013 12:24

That seems a bit harsh to me. A 6 yo who is lost in a game (whether on a screen or not) is unlikely to respond to a screaming sibling. He possibly saw what happened and realised she wasn't hurt so continued his game. I am not surprised he is nonplussed.

Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:30

Bach Grin I'm the Mum!

She climbed on the dog's stairgate, which she knows isn't allowed, and the fixings gave way so she toppled onto the floor with it on top of her. Even if he knew she wasn't hurt (impossible to tell because she was really shocked and crying) he might have gone to help her. There's being "lost in a game" then there's being unmoved by your sibling being distressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:31

I

OP posts:
littlewhitechristmasbag · 29/12/2013 12:33

From your further information i expect he is nonplussed as he is being punished but he really didn't do anything wrong whereas his sister was the one who was doing something naughty and hurt herself in the process. From the point of view of a 6yo this will be difficult to understand.

teenagetantrums · 29/12/2013 12:37

YABU unless you told him to watch her while you were in the shower, you are the parent.

Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:38

She got a row too. She was very contrite and pretty horrified anyway.

Is it normal for a child to be devoid of emotion at another one being hurt though?

OP posts:
Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:40

He's too little to be expected to watch her while i shower IMO. She's 3.5 and fairly sensible (as much as any three year old anyway!). I wouldn't ask him to be responsible for her but I do expect him to feel something towards her I suppose. They are very close, play together a lot and are very affectionate towards each other. I just can't understand him being so cold I guess.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 29/12/2013 12:42

Why are you punishing a 6 year old for not looking after his younger sister?

That is your job surely.

Maybe let him play his games, get of MN and look after the little one yourself. Grin

usualsuspect · 29/12/2013 12:44

Who was watching her then?

friday16 · 29/12/2013 12:44

Even if he knew she wasn't hurt (impossible to tell because she was really shocked and crying) he might have gone to help her.

Asking your six year old to do the parenting you're not doing is a bit much.

Punishing him for not doing the parenting you're not doing is unreasonable.

Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:50

Grin point taken Mamma!

I have a tendency to overreact. They were given tablets from a family member this year. DS had asked for one and we'd said no because we didn't want to give a gift that we had to ration. So we opted to give them free access for the holidays then decide where to go from there, just to see if he got it out of his system really. The result has been complete immersion in screens. It's very out of character for him to behave in such an uncaring way and I suppose that's why I was so shocked. DH and I will have to agree some rules going forward because this isn't something I'm happy with, but equally it seems unfair that he has a much-wished for gift which is restricted.

OP posts:
Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:51

No one was watching her usual. Does nobody else jump in the shower while they are home with the DC? Don't lone parents wash?!

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 29/12/2013 12:53

So your DS was kinda meant to be watching her. That's all I'm saying.

Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:54

No, he wasn't. It's not fair to make a 6 year old responsible for her. Exercise common sense and compassion, yes, but not "watch her".

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 29/12/2013 12:54

I would have thought he could have asked if she was ok.But he probably knew you would come and see what the shrieking was all about.

usualsuspect · 29/12/2013 12:56

But you punished him for not being responsible.

NoComet · 29/12/2013 12:57

I'm afraid siblings don't count as other people.

It's not at all unusual for children to be totally unbothered by their siblings antics as long as they know Mum or Dad are about.

They can be fiercely protective at school or friends.

In any case 6yo logic probably says, sibling knows not to climb gate, so it's her own fault.

I remember telling DD1 to come running if DD2 ever fell off the trampoline.

One day DD2 comes in in tears "I fell off the trampoline"

"DD1 WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME"

"She wasn't bouncing, she was leaning over the edge, being silly"

Grrrr

Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:57

I think I see what you're saying ... That to him he's punished for not being responsible. But that's not the issue. It's the "screens are more important than a real person lying a few feet away in distress" that made me cross.

OP posts:
Original poster
DropDeadThread · 29/12/2013 12:58

That's a really interesting perspective Starball. I guess that might explain it.

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 29/12/2013 13:01

So you are punishing your DS because he didn't show the kind of concern you want him to show his sister?

You are over reacting. He was immersed in a game. He is only 6. He knew you were around to help out DD.

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2013 13:03

screens aren't more important, he was just absorbed in it, he has only been alive 6 years, he hasn't mastered multi-tasking yet.

Poor boy.

Your punishment is not going to make him more empathetic next time.

WaitMonkey · 29/12/2013 13:07

YABU, sorry. Smile

SilverApples · 29/12/2013 13:08

What have you taken away from her for being naughty?
Or yourself for having a hazard that you didn't secure and then allowing your DD freedom to hurt herself?
YABU
I don't think your DS is uncaring, he's probably used to you rushing to your DD when she yells and was absorbed in what he was doing. Which is why he's nonplussed.

We had a screen-free Boxing day.
My teenagers discovered Charades.
AAARRRRGGGHHHH!

Birdsgottafly · 29/12/2013 13:18

"Is it normal for a child to be devoid of emotion at another one being hurt though"

YABU and overthinking it.

Children don't react to each other in the way adults with emotional intelligence do, they fall over all the time, they don't understand the possible consequence of accidents and don't process what us happening, because they don't picked a sense ( and bit should they) of responsibility.

A lot is written about the difference at 7, there is a basis on the saying "give me a child if 7" in religious writings.

Some children's personalities will mean that they would automatically go to comfort another person, but if that isn't there, it doesn't mean that it won't develop (or disappear).

You probably acted out if your own fright (and guilt?).

The worse thing about being older is being held unfairly responsible and being punished for things that are not your fault.

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