to have banned all screens for the rest of the day

[DropDeadThread]

DS is 6. While I was in the shower his younger sister hurt herself - there was a huge crash and then screaming. I rushed down but although it sounded bad she was actually screaming in fright and wasn't really hurt. This happened in the hall and at the time DS was on the sofa playing the Wii, about 3 metres away at most, with a view through the doorway.

DS hadn't even got up or stopped playing to see what had happened. I'm furious with him. Of course a 6 year old can't be responsible for his siblings, but his complete disinterest and lack of empathy was surely inexcusable. I've told him that I'm extremely disappointed and that screens are never more important than a person. He seems a bit nonplussed. Surely IANBU?

I've had the same issue with mine - due to my disabilities it can take me a while to from A to B and it's quite frustrating to see older kids not a few feet away from an upset little one and completely oblivious after I've hobbled through the house. It's age appropriate and completely understandable outside of that moment, but in that moment it's just really frustrating and I've questioned their empathy and their devotion to the screen in much the way you have here.

I think you need to be clearer with the older one what exactly you expect him to do in that situation. Just saying have empathy or care more about sibling than the screen isn't going to do much good unless they know what they're meant to be doing. So, for example, I've told my 9 year old that I expect him to pause and check and wait with him until I can get there if he can't do anything or come get me if it's very important. We actively discuss putting ourselves into another person's head and thinking of what the little one would want him to do while mummy or daddy's getting there. It doesn't always happen, sometimes things are just too interesting and I work to understand that, but the older kids say they feel better knowing exactly what to do rather than guessing and while checking would be natural to me, at sometime I was likely taught it as I'm teaching them.

A break from screentime isn't likely to hurt, though I'd make sure he understands the exact why and how he can understand better what is expected - and how to avoid his screentime being taken away again in the future.

It can also lead to the oldest feeling that the younger children are getting them into trouble, and that they are being punished for the stupidity of siblings.
Which in turn leads to resentment, and payback.
I was the eldest, this observation comes from the heart.

You said you weren't expecting him to watch her, well you were obviously because you're unhappy he didn't react.

Your DS probably blanked out, children can get very focused on what they're doing and what's going on around them doesn't quite sink in sometimes. If he's used to his sister crying, more so.

There are times, when I am totally engrossed in reading a book, that I am totally deaf and blind to all else around me - it doesn't make me devoid of emotion or uncaring, it simply means that my brain was busy elsewhere.

You've over-reacted to this, and tbh, he is 6!

Too true overmydeadbody I've lost track of the number of times I've gone ballistic at DD2 for lack of empathy to her sister or parents, when she is perfectly lovely to friends or random strangers who are hurt or ill.

I've taken this all on board. We've been out for a nice stroll and I think we all feel better for it. I've apologised to DS and tried to explain myself to him. They're watching a DVD now :)

Your posts have given me loads of food for thought. I really struggle with my expectations of my DC, more so the elder one obviously. I don't think I'm making a very good job of things all round and he's usually really sensitive so I think it's even more important for him that I do better. I don't always like what I get when i ask for opinions on MN but I do always value the advice given, so thank you everyone.