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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by email from MIL about DD chocolate consumption?

59 replies

murielisterrible · 29/12/2013 10:22

DD is 3. She spent all yesterday morn with pals and then didn't nap. PIL popped in for a visit late afternoon and as they walked over the door I warned them DD was slightly manic in that way 3 year olds can get when overtired. And indeed she was during their short visit. I am also full of the cold.

^Later last night MIL sent this email to DH;

Maybe until Muriel is back to full health you should try to keep DD away from chocolate.She is excited about all her presents but chocolate makes children hyper and Muriel could do with DD being a little quieter at present.

Looking forward to seeing you on Thursday.^

DD had no chocolate when they were there. We had some, but DD had none and didn't even ask for any. I think she had a chocolate coin and one sliver of cake yesterday, which is more than she would normally have. MIL does not know how much or how little chocolate DD consumes.

I am a tad pissed off. AIBU to be?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/12/2013 10:53

she was asking her son take care of you. She was being nice. You clearly don't like her.

This ^^

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2013 10:55

but surely if you really were so concerned you felt the need to send that email, you would put your money where your mouth was?

No. First you would ask your son to look after his wife.

Mothers-in-Law really can't do right for doing wrong, can they?

Dreadful of her to show any concern for you.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 29/12/2013 11:04

Agreed Nanny.

friday16 · 29/12/2013 11:06

First you would ask your son to look after his wife.

But that isn't what she did. What she did was invent a problem with the OP's parenting and blame that instead.

Blu · 29/12/2013 11:06

She e mailed your DH, not you, so ignore and leave him to deal with it .

Not worth any of your energy, especially while you are ill.

Your DH could e mail back 'she was just over tired, no chocolate involved . But you are right , M needs all the support she can get at the moment, any chance you could have the kids for a day when I am back at work?'.

Bluestocking · 29/12/2013 11:13

I agree with Nanny. It sounds as though MIL is trying to suggest to her DS that he takes a more active role in parenting, especially when OP is not 100% well. I also wonder if OP's DH is hoping to have a little stir (which he has successfully achieved) by relaying the contents of the email to OP.

Shamoy · 29/12/2013 11:21

Agree blu. Sounds judgy to me.
My mil is amazing but I'd be a bit hmm if she sent that to dh!

Jengnr · 29/12/2013 11:27

She sounds like a twat. I'd be well fucked off if my MIL said something like that. Or my Mum.

Thankfully both are very lovely and definitely not judgemental twats so they don't.

funnyvalentine · 29/12/2013 11:29

I'd misunderstand

"Dear MIL, thanks for the warning, didn't notice you'd given her chocolate but yes you're right, maybe best to avoid too much in future. Muriel's on the mend. See you soon, Muriel's DH"

curlew · 29/12/2013 11:29

If my mother had sent one of my brothers an email like this they would have been guilty and embarrassed and taken it as a hint that they weren't pulling their weight. Ditto my MiL and my Dp.

As somebody said- mils can't do right for doing wrong on here!

tinselledUp · 29/12/2013 11:31

I wouldn't read that as supportive but I would ignore unless chocolate hyper thing was mentioned again.

If it is mentioned again - I'd point them in direction of research that shows sugar and chocolate have no effect on children's behavior.

I'm not sure what her motivation was sending that was- concern for you, judgment of parenting or assumption you and DH can't talk to one another so you can't ask for more quiet or help from your DH or something else entirely.

I can see why it comes across as judgey - as thus ticks you off.

Solo · 29/12/2013 11:41

I think that different children can be affected by different things actually. My own Ds as a 3yo, I discovered became very hyper and aggressive after eating his chocolate star treats. Once stopped, the symptoms stopped.

OP, your MIL sounds ok to me, but perhaps she should have spoken to your or your Dh's face about her 'concerns.'

Dumpylump · 29/12/2013 11:49

I wonder........do you think your mil saw your dh giving your dd some chocolate when you weren't looking?
The email sounds as if she's suggesting to her ds that he is a wee bit more supportive of his wife, and I don't see it as being judgey. Maybe it would've been easier if she'd just spoken to him at the time, but email isn't always used as a formal communication. My mum emails all the time - just as a conversation, we can email back and forth quite happily about bugger all really. Xmas Grin

Original poster
murielisterrible · 29/12/2013 12:32

DH is a massively supportive husband and an amazing father, there are no concerns from anyone on that score. Honestly. I couldn't ask for more. He is as hands on as I am. He would not feed her chocolate without me knowing. Honestly, I cannot get across to you how wonderful he is. So, any concerns she can muster up on that front, which is a first, are nonsense. And she thinks the sun shines our of DH's arse.

OP posts:
JakeBullet · 29/12/2013 12:40

There is a back story here isnt there?

I see nothing offensive in that email at all, just some concern for you which for some reason is not welcomed.

Definitely more back story.

Have you had problems betweeen you in the past? If my MIL sent this email I wouldn't think twice about it.

tinselledUp · 29/12/2013 12:51

What is your DH take on the e-mail ?

Is this normal e-mail exchange for them or does he think she's having a dig or is bemused by it?

It's still best forgotten - unless it's a pattern of behavior.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2013 12:56

Seems like an odd thing to say - but on the face of it, she seems sweet wanting a bit of peace for you while you aren't well, but you know her, we don't. Honestly though, just ignore it.

JemimaMuddledUp · 29/12/2013 12:57

My MIL is convinced that chocolate makes my DC hyper. It doesn't, but FIL pretending to wrestle them does. She still blames the chocolate though.

Reading your MIL's email I think her intentions were sound, but it is very easy to take comments from your MIL as criticism. I'd let it go.

Original poster
murielisterrible · 29/12/2013 14:04

Okay, appreciate the responses.

She does not need to tell DH to look after his wife. He does that already and I do the same for him.

There is a backstory, isn't there always! She has form for this type of email. For example, I emailed her a photo of DD in her costume for the halloween party at nursery - she was a pirate - her choice. I get one bck from MIL saying 'oh DD doesn't look very happy, that is because all her friends will be dressed up as princesses and she isn't'. WTF? Or, we are wrong to let DD play with the same toy more than once or she will never learn how to do different things. DH or I get this sort of nonsense from her every couple of weeks and it just gets a little wearing. But, even without knowing all the backstory, I am a little surprised more of you wouldn't have read her email and thought, what the hell has chocolate got to do with it, why has she mentioned chocolate. We could see no relevance other than a dig at us about the amount of choc DD gets give.

Also, with regard to caring about me, she really doesn't that much, DH sees it. If I was concerned about someone being tired with the cold I certainly wouldn't email nonsensical suggestions, I would offer my help. Because if I was that concerned I would sit down and type an email about it, you can bet you I would be trying to help out.

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 29/12/2013 14:07

I think that you must be seeing something we don't Muriel. Back story of remarks? She really annoyed you during her visit?

On the face of it, that's an email from a woman to her son, telling him to lookhink that you must be seeing something we don't Muriel. Back story of remarks? She really annoyed you during her visit?

On the face of it, that's an email from a woman to her son, telling him to look after his wife. She's either attempted to be tactful by blaming chocolate instead after his wife. She's either attempted to be tactful by blaming chocolate instead of saying "your behaviour management is terrible" or actually assumed chocolate was the culprit. Either way, she's not criticising your parenting, but your husband's. She even closes sensitively by saying she's looking forward to seeing you on Thursday.

TheBigJessie · 29/12/2013 14:09

Sorry my phone's pasting went haywire.

Jengnr · 29/12/2013 14:44

The deliberate misunderstanding is the best response. Make it her fault since she's so happy to be snidely critical of you.

Original poster
murielisterrible · 29/12/2013 14:46

DH does not, in any way, shape or form, need to be told how to look after 'his wife'.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 29/12/2013 14:47

Gosh op sorry I was completely confused by Muriel before I went out - that will teach me to read user names!

Fwiw your mil is trying to undermine you because she is jealous. That's what I would take anyway from the back story. Shrug, plaster on a grin, and present your dd with a massive bar of dairy milk next time she is around Grin

Blu · 29/12/2013 14:56

She is idiotic.
No need at all to have gone on about chocolate.
But I would honestly just ignore it.
And all her other nonsense.
Unless there is a direct way of dealing with it.
By saying 'She didn't have any chocolate. Why do you always seem to assume something is wrong where it isn't?'

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