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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel bitter about receiving Xmas gifts?

35 replies

hobbjobb · 28/12/2013 22:22

I feel ungrateful, but also pretty pissed off.

I have a very large family, I am in the younger generation, in that I have lots of older aunts, uncles, great aunts etc and they are all comfortably well off whereas we have to watch our money. We aren't on the breadline or anything but money is tight and we can't afford to be extravagant.
I am also 19 weeks pregnant with my first child

The last few Xmas, I have specifically told my side of the family not to get us gifts and we will only buy gifts for the kids (I have three younger cousins)
Each year they agree to this, then on the day turn up with gifts for me and DP, making us feel really awkward and awful for not getting anyone anything. Receiving gifts is meant to be a nice thing but it literally makes me squirm as I feel so uncomfortable. They all say 'don't worry we want to treat you and we don't expect anything back' but to be honest, it's always a load of tat that we don't want/need anyway! We have a tiny house and have no room for much.

I am tempted to tell them that we won't attend Xmas with them next year as they won't respect our wishes and continue to buy us presents even though we specifically ask them not to.
The other option would be to cave in and start buying gifts again, but for 20+ people it just gets ridiculous and we really can't afford that.
Or should I just let them buy us gifts and just brazen it out and try not to feel bad about it?

What should I do?

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 28/12/2013 22:24

You should be happy that people want to buy you gifts.

Annunziata · 28/12/2013 22:25

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. They love you, they have the money and they want to buy you gifts. When the baby comes, they will spoil him/her.

Gladvent · 28/12/2013 22:26

Next year you will have a baby - you can give everyone photos of the baby and crafts they have made with glittery handprints.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/12/2013 22:26

I agree with usual - your family know your situation, they understand you can't afford to spend lots of money, but that doesn't mean they don't still want to do something nice for you. I understand why you might feel uncomfortable but I think to refuse to spend Christmas with them is very ungrateful.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/12/2013 22:28

Yabu. Just smile and say thank you - they want to give you something and it won't hurt you to be gracious. Saying that you won't see them at Christmas because they 'won't respect your wishes' makes you sound really silly.

And yes to giving everybody baby pictures next year.

Justforlaughs · 28/12/2013 22:28

Tbh, I'd have another chat with them and explain again that you are uncomfortable with the situation, but if they REALLY would like to treat you - this is your Santa List!
Or would they go along with a Family Secret Santa. One present to buy each.

winkywinkola · 28/12/2013 22:30

Not if you have told them not to buy because you can't reciprocate.

I understand how you feel. Tat upsets me as well. What a waste of money.

It's so tricky when you don't have the money, you ask people not to spend on you and they still do. And then they probably get offended when you are unable to buy them presents.

You can't win.

You have stated your case. If anyone is pissed off with you then you simply state your position again.

I wouldn't unwrap any gifts in case somebody has ignored your clearly stated preferences and is offended that you have been unable to afford a gift in return. You can then give the gift back with apologies, saying you are quite poor at the moment and so not wish to offend but you had explained before Christmas what your situation was.

wonkylegs · 28/12/2013 22:32

The definition of a gift is something bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.
They shouldn't be given with the expectation of something in return. Your family obviously agree with this so don't feel guilty.
If however you wish to reciprocate it needn't be lavish. Gifts should be something to say I'm thinking of you, not look how much money I have.
Small thoughtful gifts that cost little or nothing are often the best and most memorable gifts.
If you want to cut down on numbers think about joint gifts too.

CaptainTripps · 28/12/2013 22:35

But you can't dictate someone else's gift buying habits. If they want to, maybe try to be gracious. I can see both sides but ultimately, if people want to then let them?

LilyAnnie · 28/12/2013 22:36

Next year - say Please No Gifts between Adults. But at that point they will all be "allowed" to buy gifts for your child! Hopefully you can ask them please not to buy gifts for you. They will want to buy a present for your child, and though it will take 2-3 years, after that your child will be very pleased at presents from lots of aunts/uncles. So I think, hopefully your problem is solved for next year.

Don't cave in and start buying them presents. Remember - no gifts between adults. Its good for your sanity and its good for the planet (less over-consumption). But everyone takes pleasure in gifts for children.

Lucylouby · 28/12/2013 22:36

You might find next year, they only buy for your dc. We have found this with some family members. The rest of them still insist on buying stuff for DH and I even though we have asked them not to. I have no need for the three candle holders, box of hankies, cookery books and random ornaments I have been given by well meaning relatives. They don't seem to mind the lack of presents I give them, maybe they moan behind my back, but if they won't listen to my requests, it's not my fault. But, I really dislike the waste of money and resources.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 22:36

Honestly - just try to enjoy the fact that they love you and want to buy you a gift. When you are the older generation you will probably want to do the same - as you do now with your cousins. As someone else said, next year you can make gifts (very cheaply) with little handprints and glitter - everyone will love them & they'll cost you tuppence.

It's a shame they aren't things you like, but they mean well.

winkywinkola · 28/12/2013 22:50

Hobbjobb, does your family give with no expectation of gifts in return?

higgle · 28/12/2013 23:01

I buy quite expensive nice gifts for some of my relations. I don't expect anything back, I buy their presents because I like them and they are kind to my elderly mother and visit her. I get some little presents back like boxesof biscuits or things their children have made. I enjoy treating them and would be quite sad if I thought they didn't enjoy my presents.

AnnieLobeseder · 28/12/2013 23:01

We spend Christmas with my aunt and uncle, plus their three adult children. All are very successful and well-off, and don't have children yet. They buy each other lavish gifts, and always spend way more on us than we do on them. This year we gave them homemade fudge.

Do they care? No.

Do we let it make us feel uncomfortable? No.

They choose how much they want to spend on us, as we decide how much to spend on them. There is no expectation that the amount be equal.

What's important is spending time together, with the added bonus of having something nice to unwrap.

I'm sorry your relatives make you feel uncomfortable, but there's no reason for it. Accept their kindness and gifts in the spirit they were given and enjoy a wonderful family Christmas!

TreaterAnita · 28/12/2013 23:10

YABU I think. Fair enough if they were upset that you didn't buy anything in return, but they're not, they want to give you a gift and you won't be the last people to get something at Xmas they don't want/need because someone who loves you wants to buy you a present.

In my experience, older relatives often stop buying for adults when a baby comes along, and if they don't, as Gladvent has said, you have an easy gift of a photo, calendar, mousemat, etc of your child every year to give in return.

FredFredGeorge · 28/12/2013 23:12

Keep repeating it, eventually they'll figure out it's rude to put you in the discomforting situation and figure out polite ways to do nice things for you rather than something you've asked them not to do.

You will hopefully find they'll figure it out themselves once you have a baby and just buy unwanted tat for them instead.

The destruction of money giving undervalued tat to people really bugs me, and I have successfully educated everyone who's likely to buy me a gift not to do so. It's not stopped them doing nice things for me - stuff that doesn't cost money or non-reciprocal dinner/drinks etc.

I still buy people gifts for those who appreciated them, I do stick very closely to only things that are difficult to be unappreciated - either asking very closely that it's something they want, or sticking to alcohol etc. that I know they'll like.

So stick to your guns, they'll get there in the end.

Idespair · 28/12/2013 23:12

What's wrong with the current arrangement?
They're happy to buy you stuff and don't mind that you can't reciprocate.

BigBirthdayGloom · 29/12/2013 01:11

I think you might be underestimating how much pleasure it gives people to buy gifts for others. I know you feel a bit awkward, but for some folks gift buying is something they can afford, fills their time and is a pleasurable activity rather than a stressful chore as it is for those of us short of time or m

BigBirthdayGloom · 29/12/2013 01:13

Sorry, money. Put like that, could you just accept graciously? You know that you've given an opportunity not to give gifts that won't be reciprocated, but in some ways you'll be giving those relatives the gift of a baby to think about and coo over, which would more than make up for the gifts you're not giving. It's easier to give than receive sometimes.

HowBadCanThisGet · 29/12/2013 01:22

As this has been going on for three years, they know you aren't giving them anything back, they are doing it because they love you, and want to think about you at this time of year. It really isn't for you to feel guilty about, and they would probably be upset if they knew you were.

Next year ask for clothes for the baby. That way you won't get tat, and it will help out your household budget a bit if you don't have to buy as much for baby yourself.

Original poster

hobbjobb · 29/12/2013 06:37

Thanks for the input, I fear I am being way over neurotic about this then!
Thanks for the suggestions, yes a baby wil change everything anyway

OP posts:

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 06:47

Oh bless you. They understand you are young, a bit hard up, and saving for your baby, and they genuinely do want to treat you at Christmas, because they love you. Don't take offence at it, and don't see it as a challenge to keep up - it won't go on forever. Just smile, thank them and say 'really, you shouldn't have - I don't expect this and I am not able to reciprocate.' And they will say 'We know, darling, and it doesn't matter. ' And it won't matter, to them.

Probably once your baby is born they will stop the gifts for you and buy a small gift for your baby instead.

It's what the spirit of Christmas should be about - giving for the love of giving, with no expectation to receive.

Chottie · 29/12/2013 06:53

I'm an older relation and can well remember how tough times can be when you are young and starting out. The presents are well meant, enjoy them and let them spoil your baby too.

bragmatic · 29/12/2013 06:58

Hmm. So I'm the only he who doesn't think you're being unreasonable?

I wouldn't boycott christmas over it or anything, but I think they are being a bit thoughtless.

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