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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed by this?

39 replies

hohohumhum · 28/12/2013 21:48

Earlier this year I paid for my parents to have a holiday, nothing fancy, it was a seven night UK break that they'd chosen, I paid £600 for them. They are pensioners, though they have reasonable amounts of money and are not hard up.

Dsis decided to go with them, so Parents paid for her to go and also her travel costs (travel costs around £50 per person). I was also able to go, but paid my own accommodation and travel costs. I was a bit Hmm that they paid for dsis to go after I'd paid their tickets, dsis could have afforded her own accommodation and transport costs.

Aibu to be annoyed by this? DParents have just hinted (pretty much asked) if I'll pay for another holiday for them this year, but I've also found out that they paid for dsis to have a new kitchen for c£10k! I wasn't meant to know that but mum let it slip accidentally. It seems a bit weird that whilst I don't expect or want anything from them and would like to treat them, they are happily paying for dsis and she's happily taking it....

OP posts:
Joysmum · 28/12/2013 21:50

You give because you want to.

You wanted to because you thought they needed it.

You now know they aren't as badly off as you thought so no point in getting upset over this time, no point in paying for the next one either if it bothers you that much.

Lilacroses · 28/12/2013 21:50

That does sound annoying!! It's more than a bit off that they are hinting about you paying for another holiday this year??!!!

rubyslippers · 28/12/2013 21:52

Why did you pay for the holiday?

Did you want to treat them? You say they aren't hard up so assume you did this to do something kind?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 28/12/2013 21:54

No don't pay.

Are you the scapegoat of the family?

MrsLouisTheroux · 28/12/2013 21:54

I wouldn't be paying for any more holidays. Sorry!
Your Mum and Dad are passing on the money they save ( by not paying for themselves) onto your sister.

Joules68 · 28/12/2013 21:54

The kitchen is maybe on credit?

Original poster
hohohumhum · 28/12/2013 21:54

Yes I wanted to treat them, it feels a bit like they just passed my treat to them on to dsis though...

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 28/12/2013 21:55

You knew they weren't hard up but you treated them to a holiday, not because they couldn't afford it but because you wanted to. It's a bit cheeky that they are hinting for you to do it again but I don't see how the kitchen is related to you laying for their holiday.

rubyslippers · 28/12/2013 21:55

It is a little off

And no, I
Wouldn't be paying for next year's holiday

I bet there is more back story with your sister too

Roshbegosh · 28/12/2013 21:56

You were very generous but instead of gratitude it sounds like it is something they now expect as normal, so no, I wouldn't pay for them again.

ashtrayheart · 28/12/2013 21:56

*paying!
But I can see how your sister taking might be annoying.

FredFredGeorge · 28/12/2013 21:58

joysmum Yes you give because you want to, but one of the assumptions with families are that you don't accept gifts you don't need, if you have 10k spare, you don't need to -demand- hint at having gifts bought for you.

Seems pretty odd behaviour by your parents OP - perhaps they do think you are considerably better off than you are and that really is pocket change, whereas your sis needs a lot of help? Although 10k for a kitchen is always discretionary so that's pretty odd!

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 28/12/2013 21:59

If you want to treat your parents it shouldn't matter what they spend their money on.... Agree kitchen could have been credit, is she manipulative (ds)?
Perhaps that's why they are hinting for you to pay for the holiday, no money left.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 28/12/2013 22:02

You paying for them to go on holiday is completely separate from them paying for her to come or paying for her kitchen. They arent passing on the savings they made, would you rather they asked you to pay for your sister to come on top of paying for theirs an your own? You were going with them so i am guessing they thought it would be nic if sister went too so paid for it. Nothing wrong with that at all. Her kitchen is nothing to do with any of it. If you want to gift them a holiday next year because thats what you want to do then do it. If you dont then dont. You knew they werent short of money so you didnt do it out of charity you did it because you wanted to buy them a holiday.

timidviper · 28/12/2013 22:02

I would not offer again. If you want to treat someone and feel good about it then it's fine but it seems that, after what you have found out, it would not make you feel good.

Could you talk to them about this and find out if there is more to it?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 28/12/2013 22:04

You dont accept gifts you dont need? Bollocks. Did you refuse all your christmas gifts this year because you didnt need any of it?

FredFredGeorge · 28/12/2013 22:13

YoureBeingASillyBilly I got no gifts at all SillyBilly so I didn't have to not accept or decline any. But yes, you obviously accept small gifts that have little or no impact on the giver. Expensive gifts from family that you don't need - of course you decline. Why do you want your family to go without?

And you certainly do not hint that gifts be given again!

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 28/12/2013 22:16

If someone offered me a holiday i would assume they were definitely not going without in order to do that. Was OP going without to pay for a holiday that she knew her parents could afford? If so then she is very silly.

Original poster
hohohumhum · 28/12/2013 22:42

No I didn't have to go without essentials to pay for their holiday, but I did pay for it out of savings that could have been kept to pay for dc or emergencies in the future.

Dsis does have form for being 'quiet' when the bill arrives as it were, many times I've done her a favour or leant her money only for her to 'forget' to pay me back. She had two other holidays this year, so she's not short on money.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 28/12/2013 23:12

So if you didnt want to use your savings then why did you? Confused

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 28/12/2013 23:17

Im still failing to see where the annoyance is coming from. You bought a holiday for your parents, they chose to pay for your sister to come too. Thats no skin off your nose- you were paying for their holiday with or without her going. Its just the same as them paying extra to take their dog along or paying extra to upgrade to a more expensive suite- no extra cost to you and they get the holiday they wanti assume you no longer lend your sister money? What your parents do for her is up to them. I think its an odd logic to be annoyed about getting someone a gift because they bought someone else a gift. Would you feel the same if they had bought your auntie jane a lovely bracelet?

PigsInTinselToppedWellies · 29/12/2013 00:44

YANBU My mum does something similar with my brother and it drives me insane. She only has her pension and struggles financially so every now and again I do a big online shop for her and fill up her store cupboard. I found out recently that my brother (who is well paid with no housing costs and who spends all his money on going out, holidays and cars etc) was going round and helping himself to it. I'm subsidising his flash lifestyle Angry

MrsLouisTheroux · 29/12/2013 08:04

The OP paid for her parents and herself to go on holiday.
Her sister (who is not short of money according to OP) got her place paid for by the parents.
Can you not see sillybilly that the OP wanted to treat her parents to an expense free holiday and instead, they ended up paying for a place for the sister..
It's like the money is being passed round in a circle and the only person not contributing is the sister.

feelingvunerable · 29/12/2013 08:08

YANBU.

They have paid for your sister's kitchen and want you to treat them to a holiday again, no don't do it.

I would be pissed off in your shoes.

ZillionChocolate · 29/12/2013 08:09

It'd piss me off too. I would ignore the hints. If a rainy day comes your sister is unlikely to be bailing you out.