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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope only kids we invite to dc party will come?

60 replies

nothingbyhalves · 28/12/2013 20:56

Dc birthday party next week. We've invited all their class. A mother sent me a text asking if she can bring both her children. I'm unsure of what is normal in these circumstances, but if all kids bring siblings we'll be buggered! Aibu to say no?

OP posts:

cerealqueen · 29/12/2013 00:51

Its cheeky free babysitting, say No, it is paid for, catered for, and if your Dc could have had more people along he'd have invited of his friends.

cerealqueen · 29/12/2013 00:53

Why can't people leave their kids at parties? They leave them at school and pre-school, then parents can look after other siblings???

plentyofsoap · 29/12/2013 00:57

At least she asked. Every party I have held parents just bring siblings without telling me. The record was six extra this year. So rude!

cerealqueen · 29/12/2013 01:01

if your Dc could have had more people along he'd have invited more of his friends.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/12/2013 01:02

How is it cheeky free babysitting when the mum is intending to stay? Around us parents seem to stay at parties for 4 year old and not for 6 year olds. For 5 year olds it varies. A party is different to preschool where there are dedicated staff looking after the children. The party parents can't be expected to see to the needs of 20 pre-schoolers and set up party tea, play games all at the same time. With older children it's less of an issue as they are can take themselves to the loo in a strange place, be trusted not to run away but I wouldn't just drop and run with a 3 or 4 year old. OP says she expecting most of the parents to stay so don't think this is her issue.

TreaterAnita · 29/12/2013 01:02

It's difficult with a cooked meal I guess. What's the food that you've ordered? Is there any chance it could spread over more plates?

We kind of had this issue at our first 3 yo party when there were nursery invitees. Never occurred to me (pfb and oc) that people would bring other kids. Luckily we had loads of buffet food, 2 of the siblings were too tiny to be bothered about food and the one older child was so polite that I had to offer her a plate before she came to eat.

It only struck me afterwards that if you expect parents to stay at a setting (as you do with pre schoolers) they might have no option but to bring other kids too. I'm going to make this assumption for the next party.

cerealqueen · 29/12/2013 01:27

Sorry, didn't get that Op wanted parents to stay. .As other have said, no food due to cost, depends on you for party bags, generally not much fun for the sibling - maybe spare cake?

scarlettsmummy2 · 29/12/2013 02:24

It is annoying but I would say yes. You don't want to be seen as that parent who was a bit mean when they have asked and it is most likely childcare related.

HerRoyalNotness · 29/12/2013 02:41

My DS 6yo got invited to a party the other week. I was away working so primed DH on The Rule of no uninvited siblings. He arranged to take 3yo out for a treat. When getting to party only 2 Of the class has turned up, the mum invited DS2 to stay as well but DH had The Rule to stick to!! Ha, poor little might.

I'm fairly easy going so would most likely say it's okay but ask them to bring a packed lunch in your case.

MusicalEndorphins · 29/12/2013 03:48

Just say "Oh, I'm sorry, that isn't possible. I hope X will still be able to attend" No need to explain more than that. If they say no, in that case that they will have to decline, just reply with "I am sorry to hear that, thank-you for letting you know."

MusicalEndorphins · 29/12/2013 03:49

PS. In awkward situations, it is really helpful to write a note of what you want to say, and stick it near the phone so you won't forget what you want to say.

pixieonline · 29/12/2013 07:10

I know this is not the popular opinion on this board but when I prepare a list of people/kids to invite I factor into it the siblings I am aware of and plan for it, especially if siblings are close in age and parents might stay to supervise.

My thinking is that it's a celebration, I'm hosting a party and as the host I would want all my guests to feel comfortable about the event and enjoy themselves.

But, I understand this is not how everyone does it and when I have asked if sibling can attend I have ALWAYS said I will pay for sibling, that is the polite thing do do.

If someone asked me if a sibling could attend I would NEVER ask them to pay for it.

3bunnies · 29/12/2013 07:53

For me it is not just the cost factor but the dynamics. A 3/4yr old party can become completely dominated by a few bigger older siblings who don't realise or whose parents don't tell them that they need to give the little ones a chance. I know that at 5/6/7 they also don't fully appreciate social cues - but the parents should. A couple of big kids running around and sometimes deliberately spoiling games can be intimidating for a 3yr old just starting on the party circuit. My older girls are always well drilled before a party that they are to help (either generally if it is one of their parties or ds if it is his friend and they have been invited along too).

I do sometimes do parties with invites for whole families (with games planned appropriately) and would obviously understand the odd sibling coming to a class party due to childcare issues, but I think that if parents bring older siblings then they need to make sure that they are well behaved and don't dominate the party for the little ones. I could never put that on an invite and I am donning my hard hat as people tell me I am mean.

For the OP I would weigh up how many acceptance/rejections I had already had in the hope that if 15/20 had given a straight yes then the number of extra siblings is likely to be small. If the cost is going to be much more or if party bags are already fixed number then you could say that meal/party bag isn't included - or I would maybe get something cheap but different for any siblings because I am one of those wierd mothers who enjoy doing party bags but will probably have something squirrelled away from months before . I would also maybe warn the entertainment that there are a few older children and please make sure that they don't win everything, some entertainers do this naturally and at this age most games shouldn't be win/lose but others will keep on handing prizes out to the same older children.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2013 10:05

Talk about entitlement these days!

Why should the host have to cater for extra children just because people can't find a babysitter?

In that case, it's a shame, but the invitee just can't go!

It's horrible having extra children along who you can't afford to/don't want to feed. What do they do when the party food is out? Just stand and watch?
No, what usually happens is, they get in on the food and the invitees go short. Same with party bags.

You wouldn't take your children to an adult party (I hope) if you can't get a sitter.

No difference.

(and I agree with it changing the dynamics of a party sometimes, too)

seafoodudon · 29/12/2013 19:26

So nanny, a single parent or parent whose dp works at the weekend, who doesn't have childcare to hand should never allow their under 5s to attend a party if there are other siblings to care for?

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/12/2013 19:37

Totally agree Nanny, very entitled and rude to ask to bring extras or just turn up with them. If no childcare, then ask if you can leave the invited child or kindly decline the invite.

Not fair on the hosts or birthday child to have extra children around wh were not invited.

Next time OP, put a note on the bottom of invites saying sorry no siblings allowed so that you dont get put in an awkward situation again.

ChatNicknameUnavailable · 29/12/2013 19:42

HappyMummyOfONE...your opinion needs no explaining.

Should you have another you may be more understanding.

seafoodudon · 29/12/2013 19:56

I am now feeling quite sad and worried... I will have three dc very close together in age and whilst I would never turn up with siblings uninvited it never crossed my mind that it might be perceived as rude to ask if I could bring the other 2 if I was asked to stay. As we have lots of friends with 2 or more young children, I would always expect preschool parties to be whole family affairs.

HandragsNGladbags · 29/12/2013 20:03

I'd be amazed if all invited children turn up. IME these things even out, some don't turn up and some appear with siblings. However as I have 2 close in age for us it isn't an issue.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2013 20:08

seafoodudon I think it's very different when it is a friend hosting the party - odds are the whole family would be invited anyway.

But when it's your child's nursery or class mates and parents you don't know particularly expect their other DC to be able to attend, it's an entirely different matter.

And yes, it's sad if you don't have anyone to babysit - but then ask if it's okay not to stay - then you look after your own child.

How expensive would it be if everyone turned up with an extra child or two in tow?

Snog · 29/12/2013 20:10

I think it's rude to ask for another invite for a sibling who is not a friend of the birthday child and would say no without hesitation.
If it doesn't suit you to bring the invited child to the party then rsvp no thank you.
If you want siblings to come too then make this clear on the invitation.

youarewinning · 29/12/2013 20:17

I think there is a difference between asking if a sibling can come along, asking for you to pay for a sibling and/ or just turning up. The last is entitled IMO. The first is just a question and there is no assumption from the parent you will include or pay for the child.

Therefore you can say what the situation is and how you to want to play it.

I agree just to text that as you would like parents to stay if she has to bring sibling along its fine but she'll need to order a meal from club at x cost or bring some food.

willowstar · 29/12/2013 20:23

We are also a family where one of us works on the weekends and we have no-one else to babysit. If I can't take them both they simply can't go. Mine are 4 and almost 2 so have to be there still.

willowstar · 29/12/2013 20:25

Having said that we have only been invited to parties where we know the people quite well. If we didn't, as will probably happen next year when my daughter starts school, I would just decline the invite probably.

ShakyStart · 29/12/2013 20:26

I have a just turned four yr old and a two yr old and due to my partner often working weekends, I regularly have to take the two yr old to parties to which only the four yr old has been invited. If it's a soft play environment, I always ensure I pay for the two yr old to get in and when those invited go to sit down and eat I ensure I've brought something from home for him to snack on. If it's a party in a hall I let him join in with the entertainment, but again, always ensure when it comes to sitting down to eat that I keep him to one side and feed him some snack that I've brought from home. On many occasions the hosts have loads of food spare and actually invite him to the table to eat anyway, but I would never expect that. Can't quite believe the unreasonableness of those posters that object to a sibling attending a party. I can only imagine that these kind of posters are the ones that have grandparents or other family nearby that look after their other children whenever they fancy. Unfortunately, we aren't all that lucky!

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