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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Slightly more WWYD and AIBU about this night away.

29 replies

CrapBag · 28/12/2013 19:27

I'll try and keep as short as possible.

A show that I am desperate to see was advertised a couple of months ago. I was talking about it with friends and I had the intention to go with DH as it also requires a child free night away, so some much needed free time.

My friends showed great interest, whereas DH would have been going just because its something I wanted to do. I said I would try and get the tickets for us all and I managed it. No problems so far.

The issue now is one of the group is pregnant. She is due 5 days before the show and has to have an ELCS. Mine was only 2 days before my official due date so it is going to be very close. This friend does not live in the same place as the rest of us. It is already a 2-2 and a half hour trip for the rest of us (although it took me and DH 5 hours before!!) and this friend lives another 45 minutes (ish) further again. Obviously with a section she will not be able to drive herself (and I am thinking its too much to go to after major surgery anyway but she is adamant she is going).

My original plan was to go up as early as possible, do some shopping, chill out, have some tea then go to the show, nice child free night away, chilled breakfast and bit more shopping before going home, all making the most of a child free time.

The person who has offered to drive has said that we are going to have to go to pick up our friend, which means a 3 hourish drive up (all being well on the roads), nearly an hour trip back again, no time for anything other than a quick tea and on to the show and in the morning we would have to go nearly as hour in the wrong direction before coming home, again leaving no time for anything else. I suggested the driver drops me and the other person off to where we are going but she doesn't want to do that and I can see that would be a hassle. It would basically be all driving, quick tea, show, sleep, driving. Its not ideally the nice chilled out night away that I really really --need- want.

WIBU to suggest that me and the other person go straight to the place we are staying whilst the driver goes to pick up our friend? The driver is the best friend of the friend who lives away and has been to her house before so knows where she is going.

I know it is unfortunate timings but I am a little disappointed at 'losing' (can't think of a better word) the nice chilled out time I was looking for.

I genuinely don't know, I am not looking for a flaming, I am not an inconsiderate person but I know that the other friend coming was looking forward to a night away as well. Originally it was suggested we all go and stay with the person who lives nearer and just drive to and from the show but she has young kids and me and the other friend want a child free night away so we thanked her for the offer but politely declined.

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 28/12/2013 19:30

I don't think that's rude. If she didn't know the other woman then that's be different but if they're really good friends I don't see the problem. Just say that you'll make your own way there.

minipie · 28/12/2013 19:32

I don't see the problem with you suggesting it. no point all of you spending an additional 2 hours driving.

Frankly I suspect it's very likely the pg friend will end up cancelling anyway, either because she's just had a baby or because she's about to have one. So the driver will end up coming with you anyway.

Original poster

CrapBag · 28/12/2013 19:37

mini I honestly think that would be better (for her), I just can't see how she is going to manage after major surgery (and she has had 2 before so she knows what its like) but I know her, unless she happens to be kept in hospital for a long time, she will be adamant she is going and the ticket and hotel will cost about £90 and she won't want to lose the money. I also think she is going to want to be away from her new baby for as little time as possible which means leaving hers late and leaving early again the next morning so she can get back.

OP posts:

namechangesforthehardstuff · 28/12/2013 19:41

She's going to leave a week old baby overnight?! Fuck me, do people do that?

Or have I read this wrong?

tiredandtiredandtired · 28/12/2013 19:43

I wouldn't fret too much - does she have a section date? She will be at best 10 days post surgery, even if she thinks she will manage now I very much doubt she will decide to come in the end. No amount of money could have parted me from my baby in the first few weeks.

HoHoHopelessAtNamingBabies · 28/12/2013 19:44

Aren't most ELCSs done at 39 weeks meaning most likely she will be in surgery or recovery? I can't see how she would make it.

hippo123 · 28/12/2013 19:48

I reckon she'll cancel last minute anyway. I would just let her friend pick her up and make your own way there and back.

SirChenjin · 28/12/2013 19:49

I think what you're suggesting sounds fine - no point in you all being stuck in a car - but I don't think for a minute she'll manage to go.

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 19:49

Is the pg friend REALLY going to go?
REALLY? leaving a max 10 day old baby overnight (with two other kids to look after too?) a few days post surgery?
Bet you any money she cancels (if she has got any sense)

YANBU to say you'll make your own way there and back in your own time.

nevergoogle · 28/12/2013 19:50

my bet is that she won't be fit to go anywhere so it won't matter what arrangements you make now.

Original poster

CrapBag · 28/12/2013 19:52

name you haven't read it wrong.

tired no date, this is a way into the future at the moment.

Ho yes they won't be done before 39 weeks, mine was only 2 days before due date and if there are emergencies then you can be put off so there will be no certainties. I am also wondering if she doesn't want to be parted from her baby, whether she would want to bring it (it isn't a concert, technically she could as there will be children there). She said she won't bring it but I know her, I can't see her wanting to be parted from her very much wanted new born baby. I also can't see it. I remember going out when DD was 8 days, short trip to toddler group but that was all I could manage, and that was with DH dropping me to door and no real walking around. I can't see how this is going to happen. But I know my friend well, she will NOT want to pull out and will carry and try anything to still come.

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 28/12/2013 19:58

I don't see a problem with what you are suggesting.

I also don't see if your friend is up for it, what's so horrific in leaving the new baby for 1 night.

If she has a husband/partner/mother/mil/sister or any combination of same who know which end of a baby is up what exactly is the harm for a few hours?

HoratiaDrelincourt · 28/12/2013 20:01

It's not a few hours - it's a four to six hour round trip, as I understand it, before the duration of the event is even taken into account.

I just can't see this happening. Surely her midwife would be appalled at the very idea?!

Original poster

CrapBag · 28/12/2013 20:09

That's a point, she wouldn't even have been discharged from her MW!

With the bare minimum of leaving late and early next day, she would been to be away for about 14 hours, and that is the minimum, plus she will BF and even though it was easy for her with her first two, does not mean getting it established will be this time around.

Problem is, if I raise any of this, I know she will insist she can come. She also should check that her MIL (who would have been having her kids anyway) is willing to do this, not sure if she will at this stage though.

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 28/12/2013 21:35

Sorry I'm still struggling to see why if she wants to and has reliable support why it's so dreadful for her to leave the baby? Re midwife - is she going to tell her she can't?

I didn't do it but I don't see a problem if she wants to.

gobbynorthernbird · 28/12/2013 21:48

I don't think the friend will be up to going, but why the shock horror if she does? A grown woman will be perfectly capable of knowing if she's physically well enough and making sure the baby is well looked after.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 28/12/2013 21:49

The problem is that she's getting her friends to build their plans around her even though it's highly likely she'll not be able to do it.

greenfolder · 28/12/2013 21:54

I think you need to be blunt and stop being so nice.

It needs to go "we are all looking forward to a relaxing child free weekend. We are going up at x time and coming back at y time. If you really can still make it great, or you could sell ticket now/nearer the time."

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 22:04

Should she wish to, has childcare and she are the baby are well enough, then there is no problem.

It's just that she won't know until the time whether that is the case.

And that it potentially puts the kybosh on the OP's plans

Though I honestly don;t know of many people who went for a night away week after having their third child by c-section. I don't think it is outrageous or unsisterly to suggest that wishing to do so is, perhaps, slightly unusual.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 28/12/2013 22:29

I'm sure baby will be physically well looked after. Is that all babies need?

Plus her tits will be like bricks after 3hrs...

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/12/2013 23:01

Leaving a breastfed baby for14 hours at a week old?!?

My own experience of a c-section is that it delayed my milk coming in until about day 5. So she will only have a couple of days to express 14 hours worth of milk.

She'll then not be feeding with breasts that think that they are trying to feed and pump.

namexhamge is right - she will explode!

Original poster

CrapBag · 29/12/2013 00:31

See I don't have much experience of BF as I only did it briefly but I do remember when I stopped, they were like pumped up footballs and sooo sore.

I don't begrudge her wanting to come its just that it is going to make things awkward in terms of planning (and I am a planner!) and like someone said, I don't want the whole trip focussed on whether one person can go, plus I want to book the hotel soon as it is in peak season. I have a feeling I'm going to be told that it will have to wait a bit until we know what's going on.

If she did pull out now, I know someone who would love her ticket. If it literally down to the last minute, this person wouldn't be able to sort out childcare and the money at such short notice.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrapBag · 29/12/2013 00:37

Horatiahas it. I will be expected to build the whole plans around this, by pregnant friend and the driver. I would have gone on my own if it was necessary as its something I'm desperate to see, but I was happy to be going with friends who are just as keen as me, I just don't want to change the whole thing to fit in with another person, even when that person is a very good friend. She isn't the type who will want to miss out on something though.

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 00:46

I had a caesarean and milk was there from the start. I was able to express milk although no idea how much, I suppose she might not be bothered about it being a mixture of breast and formula if it is only 1 day.
If I were OP however I think I'd start planning my own transport whatever she decides.
I'm intrigued what are you going to ?

Original poster

CrapBag · 29/12/2013 01:03

I am going to speak to my other friend first. I have a strong feeling she will want to do my more chilled out, shopping plan. Once I know there are two of us in agreement, i'm going to have a frank discussion with pregnant friend pointing out the practicalities of doing this so soon after major surgery. If she is still adamant on coming (likely scenario) I will say that me and other friend will make our own way there and she either gets picked up and brought back to hotel by friend who offered to drive or driver friend stays at pregnant friends and they go back to her house after the show rather than staying in the hotel. I know she wouldn't think its to far as she suggested we all stay at hers in the first place. Then I'll need to tell driver friend what's been planned, either way she'd be going to and from pregnant friends house anyway so it won't matter to her.

I do have a feeling though that its not going to go down well and they are going to think i'm being unreasonable for not changing the whole plan to build it around pregnant friend.

OP posts:

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