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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shove a kettlebell up her arse?

27 replies

violator · 28/12/2013 16:35

Best friend going back to primary school. Lots of ups and downs and partying and travelling together. I'm with DH 10 years, she's never had a relationship, a few flings and one night stands but never a relationship. It's not something that comes up in conversation and I don't ask, I know she's not gay though!

Before DC was born I was super fit, lived in the gym and was a high ranking member of a sports club. I was very athletic. Never owned a weighing scales in my life as I don't care about weight, it was fitness I wanted. Did that for about 8 years, loved it, was a toned size 10 and happy.

Friend was always skinny, never had any weight issues ever. Had no interest in fitness, that's cool.

After DC I was extremely ill with PND, hospitalised for a bit and was a long slow recovery. I'm 100% back to myself now, even more so since returning to work.
However I work shifts so don't have any downtime, apart from Saturdays, so the old fitness routine is gone.

I would like to get back into training at some point when time allows but I accept that's the way life is for now. I'm a size bigger and softer round the edges than pre-DC but not hugely bothered by it. DH likes the curvier bits!

Friend joined a gym about 8 months ago, I was thrilled that she was liking it. I'd tell her there's no feeling like a hot shower after a sweaty workout and was delighted she was enjoying getting fit.

Except 8 months later, it's ALL she's talking about. Even random texts about meeting up have a "was at gym at 7am!!" line in there.
For the first while I'd nod and agree yes it's addictive, it's great.
Until she started commenting about so-and-so who'd NEVER fit into her new training pants. About how all her gym gear is too small (she was a small 10 to start with!) and how SO many people are so unfit and overweight.

Every time we chat there's at least two third-party compliments: "Mr X said I look so fit!" or "Miss X keeps saying I'm so skinny!!"

Today she started up again and I found myself wishing she'd leave. It's so fucking tedious!
I was ultra aware of how boring kids can be to others so I've always been careful not to bang on about DC too much, I chat about work, family, nights out, current affairs etc.

AIBU to want her to shut the fuck up lecturing someone who trained harder and longer and never felt the need to constantly throw bouquets at myself while subtly putting someone else down?

AIBU to wonder if she's found a 'soft spot' with me and is pushing it on purpose?

OP posts:
KungFuBustle · 28/12/2013 16:40

Right, going to pass over the gay comment as unless I've missed something I don't think it's an issue if she was or wasn't.

She just sounds excited, fitness is fun and it an end up being a huge part of your life. You claim to have trained harder, so what? She's pleased with her achievement and wants to share. Doesn't have to be a competition or a back handed complement.

Original poster
violator · 28/12/2013 16:42

Sorry, the gay comment was something that others have asked me. She's 36 and never had a relationship.

I totally get that it's fun, I loved it. I didn't talk endlessly about if though, or comment all the time about mutual friends who'd be bigger round the bum and waist.

OP posts:
JingleJemJem · 28/12/2013 16:45

I doubt she's winding you up on purpose. More likely she sees fitness as something you have a shared interest in (although not an active one for you at the moment understandably) and as a way to connect with you. I would just very pointedly keep changing the subject and if it's really bothering you then just say 'would you mind if we talk about something else, I think it's great you enjoy the gym but it's not really my thing at the moment.' Or if she's being mean about other people's weight or shape then pull her up on it.

I think you seem a little bit sensitive about it and I wonder if there is a just a twinge of jealousy when you see how enthused she is and how she has the time and energy to exercise, which is obviously more difficult when you have small children.

Original poster
violator · 28/12/2013 16:46

That was just a bit of background into our friendship, we've been mates since we were 5 and throughout all kinds of ups and downs.

OP posts:
MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 16:46

I can see why you are annoyed, but, have you considered that she might be envious of your lifestyle and the gym/fitness is the one thing that makes her feel confident? She sounds insecure to me.

MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 16:47

I can see why you are annoyed, but, have you considered that she might be envious of your lifestyle and the gym/fitness is the one thing that makes her feel confident? She sounds insecure to me.

MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 16:47

I can see why you are annoyed, but, have you considered that she might be envious of your lifestyle and the gym/fitness is the one thing that makes her feel confident? She sounds insecure to me.

MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 16:47

I can see why you are annoyed, but, have you considered that she might be envious of your lifestyle and the gym/fitness is the one thing that makes her feel confident? She sounds insecure to me.

MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 16:48

I can see why you are annoyed, but, have you considered that she might be envious of your lifestyle and the gym/fitness is the one thing that makes her feel confident? She sounds insecure to me.

MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 16:48

I can see why you are annoyed, but, have you considered that she might be envious of your lifestyle and the gym/fitness is the one thing that makes her feel confident? She sounds insecure to me.

KungFuBustle · 28/12/2013 16:48

Could it be that you're missing that part of your life so it feels worse? I feel for you on the shifts thing, I used to teach a sport, now I can just about jam in a run and some yoga.

The commenting on friends thing is harsh, I wouldn't mind someone taking sport constantly or wants some reassurance or encouragement but not at the expense of others.

MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 16:50

Sorry, i have no idea why my post has posted so many times!

CurlsLDN · 28/12/2013 16:52

Urgh, I have had so many friends do this! Just smile and nod, and wait for the subject to move on. It's not personal, she'll be boring everyone with it

fivegolddeblooms · 28/12/2013 16:53

I can see both sides, tbh.

I love the gym and go regularly, but I roll my eyes at people who have to shout about the fact they've been to the gym and tag themselves there all the time on facebook etc.

But, I have a friend who sometimes acts as if I'm boasting when I go to the gym - I never talk about what I do at the gym, but we do the school run together and prob 3 mornings out of 5 I'm in gym kit first (have a dc at pre school so have really short timescale in the morning to get in and out of the gym). I know I sometimes get a bit of a rolly eyed thing from her if I'm going to the gym, or if I talk about it (and if I do talk about it it'd only ever be to say something like "urgh, I really don't feel like going today, I'm so tired").

You do sound over-sensitive though - you worked for longer and harder - so what? In ten years time maybe she'll have worked for longer and harder than you. And again - so what?

Original poster
violator · 28/12/2013 16:54

KungFuBustle you could be right that I'm slightly sensitive, I thought that myself initially. Now I just find it really irritating! I love her to bits and this is the first time ever I've wanted her to shut the fuck up. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
violator · 28/12/2013 16:56

fiveholddeblooms it's the lecturing that bothers me. If you'd been speaking French for years and someone new to the language started lecturing you about it, would you be miffed?

OP posts:
KungFuBustle · 28/12/2013 16:57

I miss it too. My BIL tags himself all the time, he's looking great, fitness superb.

I prefer sports to gym so shifts are a bitch. I wonder if weight lifting would feel more like a sport. What was your usual routine?

Original poster
violator · 28/12/2013 17:01

I'd do a warm up, 45 minutes of weights and then HIIT. I've a black belt in martial arts too, did that 3 times a week so lots of skipping, boxing, circuits etc.
DC starts playschool two mornings a week in Jan so if I rush I might make a short session at the gym.
Won't tag myself there on Facebook though!

OP posts:
fivegolddeblooms · 28/12/2013 17:01

Ooh yes, the lecturing would annoy me, definitely.

TBH - I'd probably reply with some passive-aggressive "yes you're right that so many people are unfit, but they're obviously happy about it - you were quite happy being unfit for years and years after all"

fivegolddeblooms · 28/12/2013 17:02

To give you hope - I paid for my 2 yr old to do 2 mornings a week at pre school last year and did 2 x gym sessions and one evening session for the whole of that year. It is doable.

KungFuBustle · 28/12/2013 17:05

Sounds awesome Violater, I used to teach shotokan. Did you do the weights to build or as a cardio/tone? I'm facisnated by body building but I've never done weights.

I think with your friend you may just have to take it on the chin with her excitement, either that or hope she loses interest (which feels a bit mean). I would maybe pull her up on commenting on the size of other people's arses, cheeky mare.

Marshy · 28/12/2013 17:18

Honestly?
She does sound a bit irritating but you sound peeved that she's doing something you'd like to be doing.
You need to get back to the gym!

Original poster
violator · 28/12/2013 17:22

I think I do Marshy! Will make an effort once DC goes off for a couple of hours.

I didn't lift to build KungFuBustle, just for nice upper arms and strength. I do miss it but I'm up at 6am with DC, off to work at 1.30pm and get to bed at midnight. Hard to squash everything in at the moment.

OP posts:
HOMEQCRICH · 28/12/2013 17:30

When I took up zumba I bored the pants off anyone who cared to listen (or didnt care to listen) About how great it was this went on for months. . Yawn.. now its just something I do. I guess I was full of endorphins and as id never really been into exercise before it was a huge novelty for me
Its not nice to be snipey about other people though and perhaps the next time she does that gently point out its unnecessary

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2013 17:30

Sorry, I disagree with others.

I think it's her baby. It's something you don't have now and it's no coincidence that she started doing it when you couldn't.

If she was just excited about going, she wouldn't be as competitive about it. She is deliberately telling you that she is doing well at something you excelled in, just as she's telling you that you are bigger now.

Is she normally competitive with you?

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