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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my partners son lounge about in our bedroom ?

72 replies

StandingInLine · 28/12/2013 13:34

At the weekend partner has his kids round ,they're all teenagers. They share a bedroom as we're in a 3 bedroom place with two kids of our own but as but has tv and because it's bunk beds it's overly cramped. His youngest son will spend all weekend in our bedroom playing on his laptop and initially I thought it was for our tv as we have sky and they have freeview, and also if one of the other kids was watching something else he couldn't watch what he wanted to watch. But his dad noticed that he wasn't really watching it so could use our bedroom but doesn't need the tv on in the background. Didn't mind as he always vacated when I asked him to ,and would put a cover over the bed as he's a typical teenage boy who may not be the most hygienic sometimes. Anyway ,I've always said NO food in our bedroom ,they can eat in tiers as they're responsible for keeping it tidy but my kids room and mine are a food free zone. Last weekend I found a selection box wrapper and then the next day some more wrappings even though he'd even told not to (numerous times ). The times coincided with when his dad was out so now I feel he's sneaked up food which I think is worse than just forgetting !!
I've now said he's not allowed in our room and partners ok with this but I feel like I'm being a bit unreasonable but the other room is usually empty as everyone else goes out and of they're watching tv they watch on their laptops as they do catch up tv and netflix. I'm not overly close to them so don't want to seem I'm trying to mother him as he knows it isn't going to come from his dad (he'd live in squalor if it wasn't for me ). I've even in their lives for 6 years now ,I'm exactly the same with our kids so isn't like I'm favouring. I don't want to cause a rift if I am being unreasonable ...

OP posts:

BohemianGirl · 29/12/2013 06:41

I do not understand - seriously - when or why it became common place for children to use adult bedrooms as an extension of the house. A bedroom is a private area.

natwebb79 · 29/12/2013 06:44

Why are they watching TV all day when they visit? Do you and your DH not take them out? They sound bored...

differentnameforthis · 29/12/2013 06:49

It may just be a wrapper from a selection box, but going against op's rules shows a lack of respect.

I can't believe how many of you think she is unreasonable because she doesn't want chocolate on her sheets!

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 06:57

Bohemian I have teenagers, and I don't spend all weekend taking them out and having quality time with them, as I'm sure the parents of most teenagers don't either.

They don't need 'access visits' where Weekend Daddy takes them bowling and to McDonalds, they slot in as part of the OP's normal, regular family, with a normal regular family routine, and like all kids everywhere, inlcuding her own, I'm sure, they reach an age where they'd rather lay on a bed half the day, eating chocolate and talking to their mates on fb or playing minecraft than going for a brisk walk and a spot of family kite flying with their parents.

This isn't a non-resident parenting issue, it's a perfectly run of the mill boundaries/respect issue.

caramelwaffle · 29/12/2013 07:00

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

natwebb79 · 29/12/2013 07:10

Dunno. I used to see my dad and step-mum at weekends when I was a teen and would have been pissed off and bored shitless if my dad buggered off out, my step-mum didn't view me as 'hers' and I was left to watch TV all day. I think this will always be an issue until you and your DH sing from the same hymn sheet. I would never have responded to individual rules from a step-parent if my dad hasn't bothered to enforce the same rules.

natwebb79 · 29/12/2013 07:11

And of course I didn't mean bowling and kite flying (to the sarcy bugger up there). Just because kids become teens doesn't mean you can't go out for lunch, go see a film, go do something else.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 07:16

Of course not, but the reality is that if you see your non-resident children frequently, and yours is a home from home to them, there will be a certain amount of quite normal loafing around.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2013 07:19

That would get incredibly expensive if you had to do it on a weekly basis.

There are two DCs living permanently there plus I think three weekend teens. That's a lot of tickets and probably a huge amount of food.

ElenorRigby · 29/12/2013 07:20

I personally wouldn't have allowed him to use my space, I think you were erm generous in letting him do so.

Now that he has abused that privilege YANBU to withdraw it. All kids need boundaries but teenagers need them more so.

natwebb79 · 29/12/2013 07:24

There will be a certain amount of loafing around but all day? We used to do things that were cheap or free too. Why aren't you discussing the house rules with your DH? Seriously, if he's being a lazy twat about it and leaving it all up to you then it won't work. I'm surprised it's only a choc wrapper you've had to worry about so far. For teenagers the whole step-parent thing is a tricky balance emotionally, even when parents still get on and things seem to be going swimmingly. I really think your DH needs to get more involved with his own children.

WaitMonkey · 29/12/2013 08:49

YANBU.

Original poster

StandingInLine · 29/12/2013 08:59

I work all weekend so no me and partner don't bugger off out whilst they're at home watching tv. Partner goes out with the others ,unless they're going out with friends or their mum ,but he doesn't seem to ever want to come out so partner doesn't argue. His mum has the same with him where he would rather stay at home on laptop than go out with her. Also ,because they're round a lot (they can literally come round whenever ) they slot into family routine as opposed to playing Disney dad every weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

StandingInLine · 29/12/2013 09:08

As regards to the me not seeing them like my own ,it's not an issue with me or the kids. In fact they'd be horrified if I started calling them my own or expected to call me "mum". Doesn't mean they get treated any differently by me as I don't tend to be about at weekends as I'm working ,anyway ,as when they're here they don't really need parenting as they're so well behaved. Partner and their mum get on very well ,he pops round often to see her and kids (she lives local ) and my kids always see her younger kids to play. Everyone's happy ,including the "evil stepmother ".

If id started in their lives when they were around toddler age then might be a different story BUT partners were at a age where they had no reason to see me as mother.

OP posts:

Original poster

StandingInLine · 29/12/2013 09:12

And going back to the "unhygienic step son " ,I was in a rush when writing it. If I'm going to change the bedcovers when my OCD brother uses it who showers twice a day what chance has my partners son got a typical young teenager who would rather be doing something else than bathing / showering. Isn't personal to him ,I was like that when I was younger !! And no doubt my kids will go through the same stage !!

OP posts:

Original poster

StandingInLine · 29/12/2013 09:16

And I don't see why asking him to vacate is an issue ?? If I want to get changed OR do something private do I not have the right to simply ask that partners son lease the room for 5 minutes and then he can come back in ?

OP posts:

DziezkoDisco · 29/12/2013 09:27

I get the smelly teen thing, I blame lynx for makund dss room smell quite so teen. But I do think it is pretty sad the amount of time he is on his laptop. Like most kids he of course will sit all day in front of a screen given the choice. Just don't give him a choice. Dss spends hours at his mum staring at shite, but quite happily doesnt here.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2013 09:27

What else do people do in bed except lounge, sleep and shag

Masturbate?

OP - you are entitled to have a bedroom all to yourself as a parent in the family. If you were willing to give that up as long as X didn't happen, and it happened, then them's the rules. I can't abide eating in bedrooms, all those crumbs in bed would drive me crackers.

natwebb79 · 29/12/2013 09:51

I still think your DH should be supporting you with enforcing house rules. Otherwise it won't happen.

MistressDeeCee · 29/12/2013 09:53

I wouldnt want him in the bedroom. Thats a personal space, my personal stuff in there etc & I wouldnt feel guilty about that at all. He could be everywhere else, though

PorkPieandPickle · 29/12/2013 11:38

I have a teenage DSS- he is NOT allowed in our bedroom, I am a private person, and like my private space, and god I would hate the thought of him lounging on my sheets- he doesn't shower every day!!

That doesn't mean we hate each other; we're very close actually!! It just means I like separate space and DSS resepcts that!! YANBU to change the rules- just change them.

cleofatra · 29/12/2013 11:47

We have or should I say had a no food or drink in the bedrooms ( well. upstairs) rule. Then dss started taking drinks and food up to his room. It started with a drink , then a few sweets and after a while I got to the point where there were tea stains on the carpet and food and food wrappers in all sorts of places in the room.
I was also told to "let up" because he is a step son.
Rules is rules for everyone, I dont care if its step or not. Nip it in the bud before it escalates and the rules become more and more bent out of shape.

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