Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my partners son lounge about in our bedroom ?

72 replies

StandingInLine · 28/12/2013 13:34

At the weekend partner has his kids round ,they're all teenagers. They share a bedroom as we're in a 3 bedroom place with two kids of our own but as but has tv and because it's bunk beds it's overly cramped. His youngest son will spend all weekend in our bedroom playing on his laptop and initially I thought it was for our tv as we have sky and they have freeview, and also if one of the other kids was watching something else he couldn't watch what he wanted to watch. But his dad noticed that he wasn't really watching it so could use our bedroom but doesn't need the tv on in the background. Didn't mind as he always vacated when I asked him to ,and would put a cover over the bed as he's a typical teenage boy who may not be the most hygienic sometimes. Anyway ,I've always said NO food in our bedroom ,they can eat in tiers as they're responsible for keeping it tidy but my kids room and mine are a food free zone. Last weekend I found a selection box wrapper and then the next day some more wrappings even though he'd even told not to (numerous times ). The times coincided with when his dad was out so now I feel he's sneaked up food which I think is worse than just forgetting !!
I've now said he's not allowed in our room and partners ok with this but I feel like I'm being a bit unreasonable but the other room is usually empty as everyone else goes out and of they're watching tv they watch on their laptops as they do catch up tv and netflix. I'm not overly close to them so don't want to seem I'm trying to mother him as he knows it isn't going to come from his dad (he'd live in squalor if it wasn't for me ). I've even in their lives for 6 years now ,I'm exactly the same with our kids so isn't like I'm favouring. I don't want to cause a rift if I am being unreasonable ...

OP posts:
LunchLadyWannabe · 28/12/2013 14:13

The fact it was one wrapper is besides the point.

The point is, the child has been told on numerous occasions about the no food in the bedroom rule, and he ignored it.

So he doesn't get the privilege of having time on his own in ops bedroom

Its as simple as that

Its not being a step parent from hell, its the consequences of making a house rule and a child thinking he can over rule it.

Yanbu

Inertia · 28/12/2013 15:13

YANBU. And you are not a step-parent from hell either.

There was a rule in place, he chose to disregard it. You are not taking away something of his as a punishment, you are just not going to continue to ignore your house rules.

And it's not a case of being step-parent from hell either- your own children aren't allowed to eat in your room. FWIW, I don't think there's anything wrong in keeping your own room as your own personal space, especially when everyone else has free reign over every other room.

HerlockSholmes · 28/12/2013 15:20

I don't think unreasonable for you to have one room in your house that is private- just for you/ your dh.

we were never allowed in our mum's room when younger. you say he has a laptop and there are other tvs in the house so let him use those.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2013 15:23

Telling him he must cover the bed as teenagers aren't hygienic is a bit off IMO

Cerisier · 28/12/2013 15:26

I think letting him use it at all was very generous. Our teens are not allowed to use our room, it is our private space. Up to you how you proceed but if there is plenty of room downstairs there is no need for him to be in your room. I agree with the poster who said DH needed to be a bit more proactive in future, so his DC do something other than look at screens all weekend.

Mignonette · 28/12/2013 15:26

You are allowed to have some boundaries and part of impending adulthood is testing them. That is what he is doing.

By all means let him use your room as a place to escape and have some private time as long as he understands what a privilege it is and respects it.

Reiterating this to him is no bad thing and something you need to do. Take him aside, tell him you know he has been eating in there, that you expect hit to not do this in the future. He does need to know that you are not a soft touch and that he cannot divide and conquer you and his Father.

My husband has three children and I am a stepchild so I do feel for you.

Original poster
StandingInLine · 28/12/2013 15:40

Yeah that came out wrong about the covering the bed to hygiene ,I'd do it with anyone tbh. I hate sharing bed covers ,always have done - even when I was living at home and maybe had to use a duvet that my mum or dad had used earlier. I associate it with wearing trousers with someone after they've worn them. Doesn't matter how hygienic they are just something I don't like.

OP posts:
gingermop · 28/12/2013 17:34

I dont think yabu, I think ur a saint, I hav 4 kids and 2 dsc, 6 kids sharing 2and half rms wen dsc r here, nobody is allowed in mine and dp's room, thats our space, dp wasnt to impressed wen I made that rule but he soon got over it Grin

Sallystyle · 28/12/2013 17:51

You have a cover on your bed when he is round because he is a teen and isn't hygienic?

I have teens. I never have to put a cover on my bed. What exactly is he doing on your bed that needs a cover over it?

Sallystyle · 28/12/2013 17:53

OK I missed your post about the cover.

It is your bed and you don't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to. I just found the cover thing odd.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/12/2013 17:56

YANBU
I can't see why you should be lenient simply because it's chocolate he was eating. That makes no sense.
Your DP agrees Ith you, grab that with both hands IMO.

Rhubarbgarden · 28/12/2013 18:05

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 18:06

purposely going against rules A teenager? Never!!

Why not just ask him to clean up after himself. Seems a bit of an overreaction.

Original poster
StandingInLine · 28/12/2013 18:21

I put the cover on because he was lounging on it and as I said am funny about sharing bed covers when someone's using them for a long amount of time. It wasn't personal to him as I'd do it regardless of hygiene ,I changed covers when my brother used them after he'd looked after kids and id gone in to have my daughter.
Besides ,he'd definitely want a cover if he knew what went on between me and his father in them !! lol.
I'm going to have a word with him myself as I've never done that and I know they know their dad's soft so might push their luck with him but respect my wishes. It's not so much the sweets and chocolate ,I can handle that as longs it's cleared up but I don't want it moving onto crisps ,toast etc...
I'm also torn because I don't allow my kids to have food upstairs and seems unfair I'm letting their half siblings do it instead.

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 18:33

What else do people do in bed except lounge, sleep and shag, it seems lie 'lounge' is being used as a negative descriptive word to what he's doing.

I think you've been reasonable and nice to let him use your bedroom, and if I were you I'd have a word and let him know (or get your DP to) that the courtesy won't continue if he doesn't follow the one rule you've laid down

Hassled · 28/12/2013 18:37

He's pushing his luck, as teenagers do, but it doesn't have to be a big deal. I bet if it were your own DC you wouldn't be posting - you'd just tell them if they can't follow your no-eating rules then they can't use the bedroom. And no one would bat an eyelid. It's the step-parenting minefield that's your problem - but if he knew the rules and he broke them, stick to your guns.

Original poster
StandingInLine · 28/12/2013 18:46

Ah ,lounge to me isn't negative ,lol ,I was using that term to describe that he isn't just sitting on it but using it like he would his own bed (sprawled out ) Suppose because I don't see him as my own ( which is common knowledge amongst us all as they have their mum up the road from where we are so don't really need me to parent them -but I do get on with them well and they're always respectful to me ,and I back ) it seems weird (for me ) to be sharing bed covers.

OP posts:
Cerisier · 29/12/2013 03:26

Is DSS using your pillows? And is he squirming around with his shoes on the bed? Lying on his stomach with his shoes or feet on your pillow? I have seen some children do this and their parents haven't minded (amazingly). I think the food is only part of it.

themaltesefalcon · 29/12/2013 03:46

Didn't mind as he always vacated when I asked him to ,and would put a cover over the bed as he's a typical teenage boy who may not be the most hygienic sometimes.

What the...?

mathanxiety · 29/12/2013 03:56

YANBU. I think there's something a little off about this.

Mind you, I am the sort of mother who never let my DCs touch my makeup or jewelry, etc. They were welcome to wear my high heels but no looking in drawers or touching things on my dressing table. I also never allowed any eating in anyone's bedroom. Drink of water on bedside table - fine, but no food, at all, ever.

I feel like Gingermop about my room too -- that's my space. I need that space. I have 5 DCs and a space of my own is important in a small house.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 03:59

I don't think it's wrong to ban him from your room altogether, food or no food, so long as all the kids are banned from your room including your own. With five kids in the house I don't think it's unreasonable that your bedroom should be off-limits. There are two other bedrooms and a sitting room to spend time in.

MusicalEndorphins · 29/12/2013 04:13

Well, he broke the no food in your room rule. But they all sound like good kids, so worth a little flexibility. This time I would have a chat with him, say after thinking it over, you are willing to give him another chance, and penalize him by not being allowed to use it again for one day, but warned if he wants to enjoy the privilege, he has to come out of the room for snacks.

Adeleh · 29/12/2013 04:39

What so what said. I really think you're entitled to keep your bedroom childfree - it's a really private place. Wd your DCs or DSCs be happy if you took to lounging on their beds? You've been absolutely lovely to them, and anyone who calls you the stem mother from hell is being vvvvvu.

Morloth · 29/12/2013 05:21

We have a no food upstairs rule.

And kids have to have a reason to be in our room, otherwise they stay out.

pixiepotter · 29/12/2013 06:32

are the three step children all the same sex ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread