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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in having to put aside the fact she is my sister

27 replies

cleofatra · 28/12/2013 01:02

I have been living away from family for some time and have recently arrived back in the place where most of them are. I seem to have been having a strained relationship with my sister and am now wondering whether its time to let go of the "but she is my sister" sentiment and just face it that the relationship is just over.

My sister is quite a shallow person in lots of ways, she is a bit of a social climber and very concerned about status and appearance and material things. I am older, grumpy and frumpy . (see Im not just pointing out her flaws).

I have put some weight on whilst away and this obviously bothers her, as does my lack of need to demonstrate my income with outward appearance.

I find that she visibly sneers at me and often smirks when I say something and then generally snaps at things I say. She comes "geared up" and I see her physically "get her back up" when she somes near me. It could just be simple things like all making dishes in the kitchen at Xmas and she makes a nasty put down at the way I am preparing something, put downs about my professional expertise or about where I may have bought something or the smirking. Its certainly wearing me down.

Im quite sad , as she is my sister. DH reckons that isnt relevant and that if this is the way someone is going to be, then I should let go. He sees it too and , after I brought it up, agrees that she does "look down her nose at me".

AIBU in thinking even sisters need to be "let go"?

OP posts:
ISawStrattersKissingSantaClaus · 28/12/2013 01:05

I ditched mine, it was one of the most positive things I have ever done. She's a rude, aggressive bitch, and is no loss.

timidviper · 28/12/2013 01:09

I have decided this Xmas that I will no longer have an involvement with a family member for the same reasons. Why continue to put yourself through this?

AgentZigzag · 28/12/2013 01:10

If she's not able to keep her sneering under wraps then why would you want to spend time with her?

No need for any arguments or confrontations to tell her exactly what you think of her shallow judgements, just withdraw, be totally normal when you meet up and don't go out of your way to have contact.

What is it that's making you sad?

For what you had before? For not meeting your expectations of what a sister should be? Knowing other family members will make a big deal of it and pressure you into contact?

I thought she maybe didn't like the attention you were getting that she'd got used to as being hers? Could she be a little threatened/unsettled by your return and is trying to bring you down a peg or two?

Valdeeves · 28/12/2013 01:11

I think the best thing to do is put as much space as you can between you for six months - see as little as possible of her/make as little effort as you can get away with without being noticed.
Then see what she does.

AgentZigzag · 28/12/2013 01:12

I haven't had anything to do with my brother for 6/7 years and it was/is such a relief Grin

Original poster
cleofatra · 28/12/2013 01:13

agentzigzag the sadness is definitely because of losing who she was before

OP posts:
Original poster
cleofatra · 28/12/2013 01:14

The sad thing is that if I were a glamorous kind, Im sure she would be behavig quite differently.

OP posts:
Dromedary · 28/12/2013 01:14

Yes, I would just back off, without formally cutting her out of your life.

AgentZigzag · 28/12/2013 01:15

What's brought about the change in her do you think cleo?

Original poster
cleofatra · 28/12/2013 01:25

Its been quite a long time, we have probably both changed but she has been part of a "social circle" for a good number of years and she and her husband like to "keep up with the joneses".

OP posts:
manticlimactic · 28/12/2013 07:59

I don't speak to one of my sisters, even when we're in the same room (she only speaks to me when she wants something). My other siblings are always saying 'but she's your sister....blah blah'. My reply is I don't speak to rude, selfish, entitled people. Nor those who disregard other peoples feelings. This goes for family or people in general.

Ilovewaleswhenitrains · 28/12/2013 08:21

I am glad I found this thread as I am having the same debate about one of my sisters. I have decided that I have had enough shit from her over the years, I don't like her as a person and don't want any involvement with her any more. I feel sad about my decision, but have decided to put my well being first.

MelanieCheeks · 28/12/2013 08:25

I don't expect my sisters to be my best friends. I don't even expect them to have the same apporach to life as me. I keep in touch, we play nicely together when at family get-togethers.

The nasty remarks are hurtful - but that says more about her than it does anything about you.

Do you need to toally "let go", or can you keep contact to a minimum, maybe even by email or Facebook rather than in person.

EauRougemasTree · 28/12/2013 08:41

I tried for years to get one of my siblings and their spouse to like me. I don't know what I did wrong, but they clearly disapprove of me and I used to spend hours lying awake at night trying to figure out how to make things better.

Things got very bad and in the end (with a lot of encouragement from DH) I decided that I'd done all I could and the ball was in their court now. I don't try to contact them at all although still send presents for their DCs on their birthdays and Christmas.

It's much easier now- no more sleepless nights or stress- but it is hard letting go. I think it's hard on my DM too having her DCs not speak to each other, but I don't see a better option.

Minnieisthechristmasmouse · 28/12/2013 08:44

Aw look, she sounds hard work. Could the relationship drop to cards/emails for a bit? Would she be nicer that way? Or even would that be a better way to ask her what's up?

Why don't you just talk to her? Or are you past that?

Snowdown · 28/12/2013 08:54

My sister has issues, always tries to belittle everyone around her....she's a complete cow, but my DPs are old and I know the day is coming when they will pass away and on that day I do not want the tension between us to be even a passing thought. So I speak to her, I ignore her bitchy comments, I have cut her off in all but the most superficial of senses. It's a good compromise.

HissymasJumper · 28/12/2013 09:39

Funny how it's the one that's not being the bitch that always gets told 'but she's your sister' when your limit is finally reached.

I ended up binning my entire family as a result of their ignoring the hideous shit she pulled on me.

I got the bonus score of 'but she's your mother' when dm failed to handle the situation dsis created.

Mia4 · 28/12/2013 09:46

I've cut out family members who are shits, basically. Two are deadbeat dad's that treat their kids like shit and I have absolutely no interest in the other one after a series of malicious events.

The saying may be that you can't chose your family, I chose to choose mine though. If i see these people they get a 'hi' and 'goodbye', no chats, no talking, no birthday/xmas cards. As far as I'm concerned, they're nothing to me so why waste time on them when I've plenty or lovely family and fiends who are worth that time and deserve it?

TheGreatHunt · 28/12/2013 09:48

She sounds quite lacking in self esteem and sneers at you to justify her choices.

I would ignore her. Smile and walk away. Say "well I like it" or "it works for me" or something similar.

OnGoldenPond · 28/12/2013 12:15

I decided several years ago not to actively keep in contact with my sister. She is a nasty bully who terrorised her siblings and even our parents for as long as I can remember. It is easy to do, however, as she lives in Australia, and my parents agree with my decision.

However, she has always been like this so there is no relationship to lose. If you have had a good relationship with your sister previously it might be worth seeing if there is a way to salvage it. Maybe keep your distance for a bit them try to have a meeting with her on your own and talk about it. Say you are sad you are not getting on as we'll as you used to but you are feeling put down by her. Focus on the positives of your relationship in the past.

I would have given anything to be able to have a good relationship with my sister but I finally realised it could never happen. Still makes me sad.

ChineseFireball · 28/12/2013 12:37

One of my sisters (similarly social climbing and sneery) gave me a bollocking over the phone for something that was inaccurately reported to her, not my fault and that she knew nothing about. The phone call ended with her telling me to just fuck off and then hanging up on me. So I did.

The only downside is that she has some sort of celestial knicker affliction so far as my parents are concerned, and gets "popped" into conversations, with reference to general and specific wonderfulness. Meh. A part of me is sad (and maybe a bit miffed) that I have a planet arse rather than a sunshiney one when I'm the go-to gal for anything and everything but other than that my life is better without.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/12/2013 12:56

Someone on here said a while ago "yes, blood is thicker than water, but that just means it makes more of a mess on the carpet". I like that.

It's really nice when families get on and have each other's backs and such, but it can't be guaranteed. Eventually you have to say to yourself, if this person were not related to me, would I choose to have anything to do with them? If the answer is "not with a bargepole", let the buggers go and tell your conscience (and well-meaning relatives) to STFU.

Queenoftheworld · 28/12/2013 14:21

I am also at the end of my relationship with my sister. We have to stay in contact due to our ailing Mum, but there is nothing left between us. I find it very sad, but I completely accept that this is the best and only way forward.

Let it go - maybe not in a dramatic way. I think Snowdown and Eaurougemastree have got it sussed. Life is short, and you don't need this.

tudorqueen · 29/12/2013 21:31

It's a fallacy that you should like/tolerate people just because you happen to share DNA with them. You can choose who you want in your life and if that doesn't include any members of your family, then so be it.

Annie - I love that saying!

cuttingpicassostoenails · 29/12/2013 22:25

Blood is thicker than water.

It is also messier.

And contains clots.