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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum gave me my Christmas present for my birthday

27 replies

pinktransit · 28/12/2013 00:07

Ok - I am completely ready to be told that I abu.

My birthday is on the 22nd of December. I have spent my whole life with my birthday being overshadowed by Christmas, but my parents tried really hard to make them different when I was younger. I am now 45 - it doesn't actually matter any more. However, this year I got my christmas present for my birthday. And I'm surprisingly upset by it.

To set the scene - I had a long discussion with mum in November about Christmas and birthday. I was going to buy a steam cleaner for myself, and we talked about the multi function sort, or 2 separate ones. We agreed that I would buy a floor one, and she'd buy me a hand held one for my birthday.
My birthday comes, and I go to my parents for lunch. I get a really lovely set of No. 7 bath and skin stuff. It's lovely, but not a steam cleaner. But that's fine - plans change, and maybe it wasn't on sale any more.
I also go and stay with them over Christmas. For various reasons (all reasonable and practical), Mum and Dad didn't give out presents until Boxing day. My sister, daughters and nieces and I get a bag each. Most of them are things that would have been in stockings, had Mum had time to organise them. We all get a bunch of small things - face wipes, nail varnish remover pads, nail varnish, lip gloss and so on. Every one else gets a big box. Kids get a Soap and Glory gift box, my sister gets a lovely set of No. 7 bath and skin stuff. I don't.
So it's really clear that they've given me my Christmas present to me for my birthday.
My reasonable self is telling me that it doesn't matter. I'm a grown up, and it doesn't matter .
My inner adolescent is upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
browneyesblue · 28/12/2013 00:21

YANBU :(

RandyRudolf · 28/12/2013 00:24

You should move your birthday to the summer. This is something I've considered myself a fair few times!

MairzyDoats · 28/12/2013 00:26

Maybe she's waiting to see if she can get you the steam cleaner in the sale? But no, yanbu.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 28/12/2013 00:27

i think that is a cracking idea randyrudolph

i think you should anounce it for a date that all can remember - like 1st July

"i have decided my birthday will henceforth be on 1st July"

then you and your dh can celebrate your real birthday

VeryExasperated · 28/12/2013 00:31

YANBU.

Deckmyballs · 28/12/2013 00:32

Yanbu. Sad

But...I wouldn't say anything

PrincessFlirtyPants · 28/12/2013 00:39

YANBU.

Could money be very tight for them?

AwfulMaureen · 28/12/2013 00:55

YANBU but I also think that you need to dispense the feelings. I had similar this year....got a towel from my Mum. Usually she gets me something nice but she must be short of money...I accepted it for what it is.....a gift. You got stocking fillers...I remember one year, my sister and I were the only kids who weren't married and we were in our twenties...we went home for Christmas and my sister had this HUGE pile of gifts and I had about three things. I was Sad but decided Mum had just got it wrong....ageing...forgetful...whatever. It's only things....they don't matter.

HissymasJumper · 28/12/2013 08:11

Oh, op that's shit! :(

elvislives2012 · 28/12/2013 08:16

YANBU. Are you able to talk to her about it? There may be a reasonable explanation? Might help you to address your feelings.

ILoveAFullFridge · 28/12/2013 08:33

If this was my mum, then it would probably have happened because she hadn't managed to get the steam-cleaner (or had forgotten!) and didn't want me to be left without something to open. But she would have said so.

Why not ask her straightforwardly - but politely and pleasantly - whether she is planning to get the steamer in the sales, because, if she is not, then you need to take advantage of the sales to get it yourself? I would ask my mum that, and she would not take offence. After all, it's her goof.

BTW my birthday is in the spring, my parents asked me what I wanted, I told them. They couldn't find it on amazon. I emailed them a link. This was repeated several times during the year. 2 days before Xmas I was at my parents' house and they asked me to order it myself on their amazon account, with DF's credit card. What does it matter? If I asked my parents for £250 to take one of my dc to see a specialist the money would be in my account tomorrow. That's the kind of spending that matters, not a little gift. Yes, it's a bit hurtful to be forgotten, but ultimately it is not important.

Killinascullion · 28/12/2013 08:40

You're 45 yrs and your parents are still alive. Of course YABU.

Stop acting like a spoilt teen and think about what you can do for them from now on. They won't always be around you know!

TapDancingPimp · 28/12/2013 08:43

I've a friend whose birthday is on the 20th, she always hated people (family included) who would 'double-up' the occasions and get her one present. This was when she was a child too, which makes it worse IMO.

YANBU.

TapDancingPimp · 28/12/2013 08:46

How do you know how much she does/doesn't do for them already, Killinascullion? What an ignorant remark.

Jcee · 28/12/2013 08:50

YANBU - I think I'd probably do what Iloveafridge suggests and ask her on the pretext of getting one myself in the sales.

I am feeling a bit similar about one of my xmas presents and trying to rise above it - my sister who has had a very busy few months, asked if I'd be ok with some amazon vouchers for Xmas as she was struggling for time for Xmas shopping. I was fine with this and secretly started planning how to spend them but my Xmas gift turned out to be a pile of random toiletries from boots and not even ones I use! My inner teenager was fuming....

AlaskaNebraska · 28/12/2013 08:51

You know if be tempted to say grow up etc. But I had a crap birthday once and was surprised how sad I was

Killinascullion · 28/12/2013 09:09

If you're fretting about the quality of presents from your parents as an adult, you are taking them for granted.

Why do some families view parents as a permanent cash cow and a free babysitting service?

I genuinely sympathise with those folk who suffer damaged relationships with their parents. However, I find people who revert to childish behaviour when 'back home' baffling, to put it kindly.

My young DS hasn't a clue what a grandparent is and three of my friends have lost a parent this year.

I just think it's sad that some adults don't appreciate having their parents around to spend time with and talk to. Holding onto resentments about 'stuff' will probably haunt you when they're gone.

CeliaLytton · 28/12/2013 09:16

Killinascullion that is a pointless and selfish argument. So anyone with both parents alive should never complain about anything? How about people with children? Consider themselves lucky they have a child to wake them at 3 every morning and be violently ill on them? What about people who have a job, not allowed to complain about crap working conditions or bullying colleagues because at least they have a job?

Crap argument which shows you have no empathy.

WinterWinds · 28/12/2013 09:48

If you're fretting about the quality of presents from your parents as an adult, you are taking them for granted

Bollocks!
How is the op taking her parents for granted. None of us know what kind of relationship that the op has with her parents.

It was discussed and agreed that they would buy her a steam cleaner for her birthday. She gets a gift set instead.
Christmas day comes and she is given the stocking bits along with everyone one else.
Then they are all handed a bigger present, whilst she gets nothing.
Its not the op's fault that her parents have totally disregarded her Christmas present in favour for her Birthday.

If it hadn't been discussed and agreed before hand then that would be different.

OP you have every right to be a bit miffed, you didn't choose to be born so close to Christmas. But my thinking is that maybe they did not get the cleaner that you wanted in time, so had to give something so gave your Christmas present instead.

I would do as others have suggested and gently find out if they are still planning on getting the cleaner or not as you want to take advantage of the sales yourself.
Hopefully this is just a slight oversight on their part.

Xfirefly · 28/12/2013 09:57

oh OP YANBU Sad I have a late December birthday myself and have forever had my birthday associated with Xmas. my mums birthday is the same day as mine and when she was growing up family members would only give her one gift Sad my GPs would go mental. my mum has always made sure my birthday had nothing to do with Xmas, but other family members try to give one gift etc.

Always have my birthday presents wrapped in Xmas paper Envy

drspouse · 28/12/2013 10:04

My mother's birthday is very early Jan and she had this issue all through her childhood. She is now in her 70s and still feels it I know! Our DS shares her birthday and she has said she'll have Words with anyone who tries to just give him one present for both (well, immediate family at least!).

However I'd say that perhaps they should have mentioned they were swapping the presents but it would be ok to do that with notice (e.g. if you wanted the cleaner for a blast of the house before Christmas). I also wonder if they forgot which way round you wanted it (if they are anything like my mum - I gave her both sets of presents on the same day before as we didn't see her in between but she forgot which was which and I imagine she's a similar age to your DM).

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 28/12/2013 10:05

My mum re-gifted back to me the book I gave her last year, obviously unread. Not sure whether that makes her or me the worst gift chooser. Blush.

I would just go with the saying to her that you're still planning to get a steam cleaner and seeing how she responds.

RubySparks · 28/12/2013 10:07

YANBU it really sucks to have a birthday really close to Christmas. It's not the presents themselves its the lack of thought and planning from family.... So Xmas wrapping and not birthday, cards arrive late if at all (too much effort to remember to send in time), joint Xmas / birthday presents, no birthday cake as after all there is Xmas cake... I know it sounds childish but it is ridiculously upsetting!

AnnBryce · 28/12/2013 10:17

Do you even expect a birthday cake after a certain age?

Original poster
pinktransit · 28/12/2013 10:25

Thank you all for the replies :)

I do feel better for just getting it out there, rather than sitting and seething quietly about it.

It wasn't the quality of the gift that I was upset about - it's a gorgeous gift that I will really enjoy using - it was more that I felt it was a bit thoughtless, and careless of my feelings. Yes, I got a present, but no separation between Christmas/birthday.

I won't say anything, as it will just create an atmosphere, but will just let it go.
And pop into town and pick the cleaner up.

I do really appreciate how lucky I am to have both my parents - and I still have one grandparent too. I love being with my family, and for me, Christmas is much more about being together and having fun than piles of presents. I just need to teach my inner child that too :)

OP posts: