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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry and sad that BIL and SIL got DN NOTHING for Christmas

81 replies

rainyrainrain · 27/12/2013 21:11

BIL and SIL have DNiece4 and DNephew10. DH sorted out presents from us for their children this year as he had something specific he wanted to give them, it was not a toy though, more a practical thing. He had it sent directly to their house.
DH was talking to SIL an the phone earlier and asked her what they had got Dniece for Christmas. (Dnephew got a laptop 2 weeks before Christmas as his present.)
SIL was apparently a bit evasive and then said they didn't get her anything as she(SIL) 'forgot' and "DN didn't want anything anyway' ! DH was shocked and told her so, she then she said they went shopping yesterday and she got her a Hello Kitty bag.

I'm gobsmacked and angry and sad for the girl.
To clarify: they are of a religion and from a country that celebrates Christmas and does presents.They had a tree up so its not like they ignored Christmas completely.
They have enough money. I unfortunately get to be the one to help them with official documents, applications and the like so I know they have a fair bit of disposable income every month(more than we have).
They have form for being a bit weird in all sorts of ways and pretty much any toy DN has has been from us, same with pens and crafty stuff.But I really never expected that they would get her nothing at all!

Dniece goes to preschool so I assume there was a fair bit of Santa and presents talk in the run up to christmas(at least there was in my daughter's preschool) and the children will talk about what they got for Christmas when they go back.
And the poor little thing got NOTHING from Santa or her parents and a not very exciting present from her uncle.

DH is taking our relatives to the airport tomorrow and said he was going to drop by their house on the way home.
So after picking my jaw off the floor at the sheer thoughtlessness of her parents I went down my local high street before the shops closed and got the girl some presents. They are now wrapped up and the story is that Santa accidentally dropped them off at our house when he delivered DD's presents.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 27/12/2013 21:51

All I can think of is a 4 year old girl who got nothing from Santa at Christmas, sod interfering or upsetting her parents or anything else.

A 4 YEAR OLD GOT NOTHING FROM SANTA AT CHRISTMAS.

HER BROTHER GOT A LAPTOP.

Give her the presents!

Xmasbaby11 · 27/12/2013 21:53

YABU. Don't interfere - it's really not your call.

LindyHemming · 27/12/2013 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellasDealer · 27/12/2013 21:55

Does anyone really do that though, no presents at all?
IME yes esp. if they were brought up without a pot to piss in

mistermakersgloopyglue · 27/12/2013 21:56

But the op said that they are from a country and religion that does celebrate Xmas and they had a tree up.

Obviously if they don't celebrate Christmas at all for cultural reasons that is a different matter entirely.

Original poster
rainyrainrain · 27/12/2013 21:56

Well yes in their country girls are valued less I suppose( in the wider cultural sense) but DH is from that country too and he thinks our DDs are the best little people that ever walked the earth.And I haven't noticed that they treat her worse than the son in other ways generally.

I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't in the context of living over here and DN spending time with other children, so she would have some knowledge of Christmas and presents I expect.

OP posts:
Andanotherthing123 · 27/12/2013 21:56

YANBU to worry - can you get DH to find out why they didn't give presents on the day, in case there are other reasons? If they are simply neglecting their child by not giving gifts, rather than any religious/moral stance then I think you should give the presents. It is nice that you care about them.

Out of interest, why do,you do their paperwork?

MammaTJ · 27/12/2013 21:56

Actually, I don't think I am overreacting when I say the disparity between the gifts for the brother and sister amounts to abuse.

HumphreyCobbler · 27/12/2013 21:58

"They don't buy her books because she can't read them anyway"

ffs what a shame

I would give her the presents

Original poster
rainyrainrain · 27/12/2013 22:00

The reason I help them with forms is just that their english is not that great, neither is mine, but its better I guess. That is why I know their income and outgoings, the £500 for the laptop wouldn't have been a massive stretch for them, honestly.

You see, my initial reaction was to go and get her some presents but then I was wondering if that was wrong. Hence I posted here.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 27/12/2013 22:02

my ex sees dd as some kind of little 'add-on' to ds Angry I bet he is from the same place as these people.

MammaTJ · 27/12/2013 22:02

No, no, it isn't wrong, do it, re-dress the balance, just a little bit!

phantomnamechanger · 27/12/2013 22:04

IF the boy has always had chrsitms presents, and IF the girl got nothing this year and it was general knowledge that he had a laptop for christmas albeit a bit early, IF they have no cultural objection to Christmas and no money worries THEN this is very odd indeed - like those "families" where one child gets toast while the other tucks into roast dinners, one child sleeps in a bare room on the floor and the other has a lovely room full of gadgets.

are they generally good loving caring parents? have you any reason other than the lack of gifts to be concerned about welfare in that home?

Original poster
rainyrainrain · 27/12/2013 22:09

can you get DH to find out why they didn't give presents on the day, in case there are other reasons?
From what he says it really just sounds like thoughtlessness, like' oh it doesn't really matter' not like a moral or conscious parenting decision.
I really don't understand it myself.
I think maybe they expected us to roll up with big presents I don't know. (just for the record they don't give gifts to our children)

So do we give her the gifts but say they are from us( and get something else for her brother too) or do I put them in the gift stash in the airing cupboard and keep my nose out?
DH thinks its sad but not really our responsibility(think he is a bit fed up with his sister).

OP posts:
Original poster
rainyrainrain · 27/12/2013 22:14

are they generally good loving caring parents? have you any reason other than the lack of gifts to be concerned about welfare in that home?
They don't raise their children like we raise ours but I have no concerns for their welfare in the sense that Social Services would be interested, no. And I think they love their children and would have thought equally until now.Thats why it is so strange.

OP posts:
revivingsnowshower · 27/12/2013 22:15

I don't think yabu if they have no reason for doing this other than having forgotten and they have done presents /santa before. Like I say if it was a choice to not "do" Christmas in a big way and no-one got gifts that is ok as it is fair. But you shouldn't do presents one year then for no reason not do them the following year. That sets up an expectation esp with as you say people at preschool talking about it.

I agree not to say the extra things are from Santa, say it is from you. Maybe give the boy something too like sweets or some small thing to be fair. I know he got the laptop but you should be fair and give both kids something I think.

Original poster
rainyrainrain · 27/12/2013 22:49

But you shouldn't do presents one year then for no reason not do them the following year.
I'm beginning to think that is just the kind of random weird thing they would do.

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 27/12/2013 22:55

Does anyone really do that though, no presents at all?

Yes, loads of people who follow another religion. Many people who are not religious still celebrate Christmas, but in any big city there will be communities who do not give presents at Christmas and there are schools full of children who know Santa does not come to their house.
This isn't sad, it's just the way it is.

WooWooOwl · 27/12/2013 22:59

It's sad for both the children that are being brought up in a country that celebrates Christmas in a big way not to wake up to presents on Christmas Day.

But it's not like the brother had a pile of presents under the tree and the little girl had nothing. Neither of them had tree/Santa presents, and a laptop is something that a 10yo will use for school work. So while it was a lovely present, some families don't view things that are needed for education as celebratory gifts, and it wasn't given on Christmas Day anyway.

I think you would be being worse, or at least just as bad if you gave presents to one child and not the other. There is no way you can do that and come across well.

Original poster
rainyrainrain · 27/12/2013 23:17

Giving her the presents as from Santa was my first,probably thoughtless, reaction. And I agree we should get something else for her brother as well if we do give her the presents.

When I said 'Do people really give no presents at all?" of course I didn't mean people from other religions and those that don't celebrate Christmas. Sorry I didn't make that clear.

Maybe we really should not get involved at all.
I guess I am projecting what I think my DD would feel if she returned to preschool and had no presents to talk about.

OP posts:
Sharaluck · 27/12/2013 23:31

Hmm
If you want to give her presents do, but don't tell her the Santa story!!!
Get something for the dnephew as well. Laptop doesn't sound like a Christmas present.

Fine to give presents from you. Definitly not fine to meddle and give presents from 'Santa'! Hmm

FariesDoExist · 27/12/2013 23:34

Ok right, imagine if you told someone what you were planning to give your child for christmas. It's one or two small presents, and you are happy with that and the way youre doing christmas. Imagine if that person thinks to themselves "oh, that's not very much. I give my children a lot more than that".

And then turns up at your house a few days after Christmas with presents 'from Santa' for your child. I think you'd be offended wouldn't you? And your children would be puzzled. They'd enjoy the gifts, but it wouldn't change anything really.

FariesDoExist · 27/12/2013 23:37

I do think you're lovely to think of the child by the way, and it's really nice that you want to put things right as you see it. But I think it's unnecessary to give the gifts and try to fix it, that's all

Original poster
rainyrainrain · 27/12/2013 23:43

Yes I suppose I would be offended. And I totally accept the 'Santa' thing was a stupid idea. And I am projecting.
Having talked with DH some more I think we will keep our noses out. I think it is just that they don't think its a big deal or would matter to a 4 year old. And I find that strange but hey ho.

OP posts:
SinisterBuggyMonth · 28/12/2013 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.