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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dh not to get pissed when in charge of dcs?

64 replies

Ladyglamalot · 27/12/2013 20:56

Background-dh not happy because we did'nt spend xmas with his parents. I have spent many xmas with them and we go there every sunday for dinner and have done for 20 years!

Dh wants us all to go down for dinner tomorrow and for us to get a taxi so he can get pissed with his dad-I don't drive.

I am ill-been puking since yesterday,achy,not eating etc. I really don't want to go. However dh is saying he will go with dcs but he will still want a drink with his dad. When I say a drink I am not talking a few beers btw-I am talking a few bottles of wine plus bottle of whisky!

Am I bu to tell dh that no way is this appropriate? and I really don't want dcs to go if he is drinking?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 27/12/2013 22:16

Why am I always made out to be the bad one? Had some pa comments from dh on xmas day too as he made it pretty clear he would rather be with his parents,bil and family-they had inlaws for xmas-rather than with me and the dcs.

He is 47 years old ffs!! He really does not seem to grasp that he should be putting myself and dcs first now! He has actually told me I am not really "family" as we are not blood relatedSad

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Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 27/12/2013 22:18

No xmas-I suggested that he take dcs but did'nt drink or drink to excess and his solution was no the dcs will just stay at home with me. He will not compromise and if I push it then he is going to throw it in my face that its my fault he did'nt get to spend xmas day with his parents.

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FishfingersAreOK · 27/12/2013 22:19

Who would it not wash for? DH or MIL?

If MIL "No, sorry, that would not work for us".
If DH "No. I am ill. Either after DCs are in bed or not at all".

I know, easier said than done. For DH could you maybe puke in his lap? Would that help get the message through to him?

I hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 27/12/2013 22:23

Mil does not go through me-she speaks directly to dh. For example a few weeks ago we had major problems with our car-she knew this but I let her know that we would not be able to come for dinner on the sunday. She then phoned dh and asked why we could'nt go for dinner!Angry

Dh was actually willing to still go and take dcs even though it would have been dabgerous to drive the car as he "can't let his mum down"-its pathetic!

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CSIJanner · 27/12/2013 22:29

He told you that you weren't really family as you weren't blood related? Has he repeated that? Because that's a deal breaker for me as whilst bizarre and thoughtless a comment, it clearly shows how you are viewed in your husbands eyes.

And if he does try to post out you're the reason he didn't get to spend Christmas with his folks, point out that he's the reason why his mother is ill in bed as he insisted on going to visit even though he had been ill in the night. And if he goes around tomorrow, he'll probably infect his dad/re-infect his mother.

WilsonFrickett · 27/12/2013 22:30

It's got nothing to do with letting his mum down, it's about access to drink. You can either enable his behaviour by going and looking after the DCs or by staying home with the DCs - which is probably preferable wrt to keeping DCs out of a toxic, pissed up environment. But what you can't do is change the behaviour, I'm afraid.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 27/12/2013 22:35

I know you are right there wilson-this has been going on for our entire relationship. I am supposed to be taking dcs out with my mum on sunday and I know if I don't agree to his plans for tomorrow then he will kick off about this!

He never spends time with my family btw-we see them about 4 times a year if that and he is mono-syllabic to the point of rudest with themAngry

Dcs now moaning saying they don't want to go either-great!! ffs!

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MerryChristmasMollyHooper · 27/12/2013 22:36

Every time he tries to throw it in your face remind him he is an adult who has responsibilities! Not a little boy who must be with mummy and daddy at Christmas.

You need to make a point here. I really feel for you though, sounds awful.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 27/12/2013 22:41

When we were arguing about where we were going to spend xmas merry-I pointed out to him that out of his 47 xmas on this earth he has spent 43 of them with his parents! His reply was "but I want to spend xmas with my parents"

Tbh up until last year he would have insisted we go to inlaws whether I wanted to or not but I put my foot down last year and I think he knew he has pushed me too far!

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Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 27/12/2013 22:48

So in the interests of my not being made out to be the bad one-again!-is there any other compromise I can offer dh?

He goes alone but comes home at a reasonable time and does not get pissed to the point of slurring/falling over?
If I am feeling better we all go but leave at a reasonable time so I can pop into my friend for a couple of hours?
We don't go and go another day?-can't see this one being accepted though?

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MerryChristmasMollyHooper · 27/12/2013 22:52

He sounds very childish.

Wanting to be with your parents at Christmas is perfectly normal and lovely but he has his own family now and you are his wife, who is ill and needs a hand.

I would have loved to have stayed and had a drink with my dad this year but DS2 has a rotten cold and needed his own cot so we left early and made plans for another get together when DS is well.

That's what parents/husbands/wives are supposed to do.

MerryChristmasMollyHooper · 27/12/2013 22:53

X post.

Could you suggest doing something on new years eve if you are feeling better?

Loopytiles · 27/12/2013 22:55

Sounds like he has a big alcohol problem and you enable his drinking by caring for the DC / driving Sad. If DC will be unsafe at PIL or have to witness their father and grandfather hammered, then they should stay woth you and if you're unwell you could try to get help.

magimedi · 27/12/2013 22:56

YANBU & your Dh need sto grow up - fast.

He can go & see his family but not drink. Simple. Not that difficult.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 28/12/2013 08:51

I feel a bit better today-not sick but have sore throat from puking! I really think I should go to my friends as not seen her in ages and had to cancel the last time we had a meet-up planned.

I am going to tell dh we can go to parents,get a taxi so he can have a drink but I want to be leaving about 8 so I can pop into my friends. This is not going to go down well!

Any ideas for good responses or pithy one liners I can use to counter his moaning?

I do know that the main issue is his drinking-it always has been but I am not in a position to confront that again at the momentSad

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Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 28/12/2013 10:04

Well tried to suggest we go to inlaws but leave at reasonable time but that's a no no. He wants to go and get pissed so either we all go and I am in charge of the dcs or he goes with alone with dcs but will still be drinking.

So have to let my friend down and have the dcs moaning at me all day because they don't want to go and endure an evening of watching dh and fil getting rat arsed while I make small chat with mil. GreatSad

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Layter · 28/12/2013 10:24

On the grounds that you are going to be looking after the children wherever you are, just let him go on his own to his parents. Address alcohol issues with him when your thoroughly better and invite your friend to visit you at home.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 28/12/2013 10:35

Can't invite my friend to my house as she is hosting a few people and is doing drink/food etc and too last minute to change the arrangements.

Dcs really don't want to-as I said its not much fun for them going there. Dh seems to think that he could ask his dad to pick us up but I pointed out we would not all fit in his car so he will have to fork out for a taxiHmm

He did say he did'nt want me to miss my night with friend but when I suggested we leave his parents earlier then I got a flat no.

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WilsonFrickett · 28/12/2013 10:44

As I said above, whatever you do is enabling him. So on that basis, do what you want to do. For example, stay home this afternoon then take a taxi to your friends this evening with the DCs. OK it's not a rest for you, but then neither is going to your PIL, is it? At least this way you get some pleasure out of the day.

Longer term you need to be tackling the drinking and working out if you want to stay in this relationship, but that's not for today.

hackmum · 28/12/2013 10:47

Of course yanbu - how could anyone here seriously think you are? Any adult who is in charge of three children under the age of 10 has to remain sober.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 28/12/2013 10:57

Well dh thinks its perfectly fine for him to get rat arsed while dcs are there hackHmm-have spoken to dcs and they really don't want to go so I will be staying at home with them and dh can go to his precious parents!

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firesidechat · 28/12/2013 11:00

I dont get the attitude on here sometimes that its fine for kids to tag along and see their parents off their face, its ridiculous and not normal in my world.

I love a glass of wine with my meal most evenings, but our children are adults now and have left home. The amount of alcohol the OP's husband will be drinking is ridiculous and totally irresponsible with children present. Personally I think it's irresponsible even if no children are there, but I know that a certain percentage of posters on here will think that that is messing with their "fun".

YANBU.

Original poster
Ladyglamalot · 28/12/2013 11:04

100% agree fire-I like a drink myself-probably too much sometimes!-but I would not dream of drinking the amount of alcohol that dh is thinking of when dcs are present. I did offer the compromise of a few drinks but not getting rat arsed but that was rejectedHmm

Told him that dcs and I are not going now-he is not happy and mil will be furious but tough!

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ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 28/12/2013 11:11

OP, YANBU for wanting your DH to remain sober enough to look after his own children. This is ridiculous. He needs to put his family before his 'wanting to get pissed' needs.

YABU to visit your friend so soon after you have stopped being sick. Rearrange this as you will pass it on to everyone at the get together.

firesidechat · 28/12/2013 11:13

Well if he thinks pouring dangerous amounts of alcohol down his neck is more important than having his children around, that is entirely up to him. It's pathetic, but that's free will for you.