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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worrying about being left on the shelf

50 replies

bongobaby · 27/12/2013 20:49

Sitting here with a lump in my throat and water in the corners of my eyes thinking about me going into my third year of being single. I last had a physical relationship in 2011 and I'm feeling less womanly everyday. I feel like I'm invisible to the opposite sex. My last two relationships were EA so I'm a bit weary of getting involved again. I would like a relationship and to feel closeness, but then I think I'm not good enough and will end up alone forever.
I guess I'm just whinging at my lot at my age I just thought I would be settled down by now and my ds would have a family life.

OP posts:
ManifestoMT · 27/12/2013 21:02

How old are you?

Leo what are you don't sitting in on a Friday night talking to a load of women.

Get your glad rags on, put some slap on ring a mate and go out some where. You won't find loves young dream on mumsnet.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get anything half decent

ManifestoMT · 27/12/2013 21:02

How old are you?

what are you don't sitting in on a Friday night talking to a load of women.

Get your glad rags on, put some slap on ring a mate and go out some where. You won't find loves young dream on mumsnet.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get anything half decent

AwfulMaureen · 27/12/2013 21:12

"Left on the shelf" is a horrible, outdated phrase...it comes from the time when women had no choice but to marry or be nobody.....nothing. Now, you don't need a man to achieve....concentrate on YOU and your son....make your life as a pair, the best you possibly can....see your future as you'd like it and work towards that...not including a man!

The man, if one is meant...will come when you're least expecting it. Happiness comes from you...not from a man.

formerbabe · 27/12/2013 21:14

The old saying that love comes along when you least expect it is a load of crap. You need to go out and find it....go out as often as you can manage...and be confident, that is such an attractive quality.

fadeandsparkle · 27/12/2013 21:14

Happiness comes from you...not from a man

Very true.

You need to be happy and make your life happy for yourself - to the point where a partner would only add to that happiness and not be the sole reason for it.

I came to the conclusion that I had to love myself for who I am and set my own standards. If I couldn't love myself why should I expect anyone else to?

fadeandsparkle · 27/12/2013 21:16

The old saying that love comes along when you least expect it is a load of crap.

I don't think it is ...

I think fair enough if you're sat inside on MN every night then yeah you're not likely to meet someone.

But if you actively go out and look for it then you can almost give out the desperate vibe. Confidence is key.

NigellasDealer · 27/12/2013 21:17

agree with awfulmaureen please do not use that phrase about yourself you are not a commodity to be bought.
Flowers

Original poster
bongobaby · 27/12/2013 21:19

A night out is not going to happen. As a single parent it's near on impossible to get sitters. Ds has a friend over tonight for a sleepover and they are engrossed in Star Wars on the Xbox. I'm sitting watching crap TV on my own. Most of my friends are married or settled with their own family's. as so are most of my family members. Nobody asked me and ds what we were doing for Xmas so we spent it on our own. It was a nice day for us both.
I know I don't need a man to be happy but it would be nice to have the odd cuddle and reassurance at times.
Turning the big 40 next year and ds tells me to get a boyfriend! Can see me ending up old, lonely and on the shelf.

OP posts:
ManifestoMT · 27/12/2013 21:20

Love does come along when you least expect it is true for some but you do need to be out there for it to bite you on your arse.

I completely relate to your feelings op, I have felt the same and thought is this it.
Go out and enjoy yourself you might meet some one you might not but you will at least be out enjoying yourself.

formerbabe · 27/12/2013 21:21

Can you afford to pay a baby sitter? Do you work in a job where you may meet someone? People can meet and fall in love at any age BTW.

formerbabe · 27/12/2013 21:22

Oh and ask your coupled up friends if they kno

usualsuspect · 27/12/2013 21:22

Have you tried internet dating?

formerbabe · 27/12/2013 21:22

Whoops...if they know any single guys they could introduce you to.

CaptainSweatPants · 27/12/2013 21:22

Wellpresumably ds will go on a return sleepover?
I'd try online dating
I've several friends who've found a long term partner that way
If you want to date you can pay for a babysitter :)

CaptainSweatPants · 27/12/2013 21:24

As a single parent it's near on impossible to get sitters

Why?

Start a baby sitting circle with school mum friends?

fadeandsparkle · 27/12/2013 21:24

Most of my friends are married or settled with their own family's. as so are most of my family members

So? Smile married people still go out. Organise a night out for the end of next month and just go out for a couple of drinks, doesn't have to be an extreme party night out.

Friends reunited? Internet dating? Asking coupled friends? Work?

There are always ways to meet someone.

ManifestoMT · 27/12/2013 21:27

You don't have to lurching from pub to pub you just need to get out.

Did you ask anyone to your house for Xmas. A small drinks party with couples and ask your close friends to bring their friends they might have a spare bloke home for Xmas.

If you keep an open aspect things usually turn up in the most unexpected places.

My mate met her dh at her mums (70th) party he was a son of her mums mate. No way did we think that would be fertile copping of ground

moomoomummy · 27/12/2013 21:29

CaptainSweatPants , she can't be part of a baby sitting circle as she is a single mum. Who would look after her DS whilst she is babysitting?

ManifestoMT · 27/12/2013 21:30

Off not of. Sorry mumsnet grammar police
Another mate of mine swears by dog walking that's a hidden not oft spoken of way of meeting people.

Original poster
bongobaby · 27/12/2013 21:35

I don't even bother to ask my best friend to go on a night out because she is not allowed. It's ashame because she is a right good laugh to be with. Another friend is into the theatre and its not my sort of thing, another friend is a church goer and doesn't drink, others are flakes as in they organise nights out and then flake out of the arrangement last minute.
Don't want to Internet date as for many success stories there are as many horror stories.
The last time I met someone when I wasn't looking to be with anyone, I am living the nightmare of coming across him the first place.

OP posts:
stardusty5 · 27/12/2013 21:40

Worrying about being single is awful- i was single for over 3 years before i met my DP via online dating. I had all the 'brave face' lines about being happy on my own - and I was in many ways- but the fear and doubt was always there. No matter how many people told me that Mr Right would come along, i found it very hard to believe them and was very irritated by this. So no, in that sense YANBU.

However YABU to think that it won't happen and that you are not desirable. There are always ways to meet other single people, and most won't be your cup of tea at all. But you only need one.

Work on making sure that you feel attractive amd confident. If you feel invisible and on the shelf- then thats the image you'll put across.

feelingvunerable · 27/12/2013 21:48

Why not try internet dating. At the very least you can chat to other people and engage in conversation. Lots of relationships start this way.

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/12/2013 21:48

'On the Shelf'?
Really OP?
I've been divorced for 8 years, had a couple of flings since, but I love being on my own.
Until you can appreciate you can enjoy life without a man in it, is the time you'll meet one.

AwfulMaureen · 27/12/2013 21:50

How old is DS? Can't you go out if he has a sleepover? Join a club....What do you enjoy? I am 40 and in your situation, I would join ALL I could. Planting trees in a voluntary capacity for instance...you might meet a woolly sweatered ex hippy with a nice little cottage in the woods....Amateur dramatics...you could meet a dramatic, sexy 45 year old ex actor who having retired from acting aged 30 is now a single millionaire....making money from property....Grin you might.....do you work? ANy fellas there?

Original poster
bongobaby · 27/12/2013 21:51

It makes me feel like I'm a lepper when I'm with friends and family in couples. The "don't worry mr right will be along soon" line always gets trotted out on me. Like they feel bloody sorry for me. Stardusty I get frustrated at this making me feel that I'm an old spinster!

OP posts: