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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worrying about being left on the shelf

50 replies

bongobaby · 27/12/2013 20:49

Sitting here with a lump in my throat and water in the corners of my eyes thinking about me going into my third year of being single. I last had a physical relationship in 2011 and I'm feeling less womanly everyday. I feel like I'm invisible to the opposite sex. My last two relationships were EA so I'm a bit weary of getting involved again. I would like a relationship and to feel closeness, but then I think I'm not good enough and will end up alone forever.
I guess I'm just whinging at my lot at my age I just thought I would be settled down by now and my ds would have a family life.

OP posts:

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/12/2013 21:59

Ladybeagle, I wouldn't have minded if I'd had a couple of flings. But going nearly 3 years without any male physical contact is a long time. If I had a fbuddy on the go I guess I wouldn't be thinking into being left on my own so much.
As much as I daydream about wanting to be Idris Elbas plaything, reality hits me hard in the face when I realise that time is getting on.

OP posts:

stardusty5 · 27/12/2013 22:01

Thats exactly it, people spout these meaningless phrases and you feel like screaming at them. Its OK for You!!!!

Seriously tho, consider dipping a toe in the internet dating. Yes, you'll meet wierdos, but it'll give you confidence. As you said below 'bumping into' Mr Right is out of your control, but creating opportunities is something you can actively do. It also doesnt mean that your eyes may not meet over the turnips in sainsburys one day!

alittlemetime · 27/12/2013 22:03

Gingerbread says that the average duration of single parenthood is five years - most people end up in new relationships at some point or other. I was a single mum for 11 years - some of that time I felt the same as you, but mostly I tried to focus on doing things that I enjoy and not worrying too much about meeting men, I took up a lot of new activities and studies rather than just trying to meet men in pubs.

I did have some flings in that time though and I'd really recommend just enjoying casual dating for the sake of it! It's well worth finding a decent, reliable babysitter, no matter how much it costs, it was worth it in the long run as it was essential for my mental health to be able to get out and meet new people.

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/12/2013 22:11

Done the supermarket surfing, looking at the man with single items in his trolley. Then ds gets bored and throws his I want to go home face!
I'm not working at the moment due to an injury but when I do work it tends to be solitary jobs. So no chance of meeting anybody. At this rate my 11 year old ds will be married before I ever get married! Joining clubs would be difficult as ds is to young to be left on his own while I pursue hobbies.

OP posts:

brightnearly · 27/12/2013 22:19

Have you looked into getting a babysitter via the sitters website? Not hugely expensive and very reliable. Maybe doing evening classes? Go on a weekend trip with other singles? Join a walking club on weekends whilst Ds is doing some activity like football or at a friend's house?

NotNewButNameChanged · 27/12/2013 22:28

Sympathies OP. Coming up on four years for me and also about to hit 40. All my friends know I am single, they are all coupled up and know no singles to introduce me to. I have tried internet dating for the best part of three years and had just three dates (I think being semi-rural doesn't help). I am one of only three people at work, so that's no use. I am in umpteen clubs and societies but again, no single people seem to join up. I don't know what the answer is but I totally get where you are coming from and it's OK to feel down about it at times.

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/12/2013 22:37

Notnew at this time of year it's hits harder and gets me feeling down.i can allday not speaking to another adult once ds is dropped off at school and gets very lonely.
I wouldn't know how to handle going out on a date as I would expect the guy to be an abusive weirdo. I just would like to meet a genuine man to take care of me and ds.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 27/12/2013 22:38

You don't need a man to take care of you.

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/12/2013 22:46

Quite Usual.
Take care of yourself and your ds, why are you looking for someone to take care of you?
If you meet someone you take care of each other.
And judging by MN there seems to be a lot of women out there who end up with total cocklodgers, just so they have a man in their lives.
Be careful for what you wish for.

NotNewButNameChanged · 27/12/2013 23:06

Putting aside that the OP did actually say in her last comment she wanted a guy to take care of her, it's usually a lot more than that. It's about having someone to share things with, to hold their hand, to have someone to cuddle you when you're feeling low, to wake up next to. Oh and yes, intimacy. Friends are all well and good, but they aren't the same and nor is a rampant rabbit. You can be happy with yourself yet want to be with someone.

Original poster

bongobaby · 27/12/2013 23:32

I should rephrase my comment of taking care of me. I ment along the lines of what notnew has said. I'm an independent women and have been for years and can take care of myself, ds and pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads. It's a struggle doing all alone and sometimes I would like to share doing it all with someone, a partner as part of a team.

OP posts:

dancemom · 27/12/2013 23:35

Better to be left on the shelf than to spend your life in the wrong cupboard I say

EBearhug · 27/12/2013 23:43

Coming up on four years for me and also about to hit 40. All my friends know I am single, they are all coupled up and know no singles to introduce me to. I have tried internet dating for the best part of three years and had just three date

YYYYY to all that. I just don't know anyone single any more (well, I do know one or two at work, but they are acquaintances, not friends, and we're not going to be more than acquaintances.) Apparently internet dating will pick up again when you're older and past the risk of being desperate for a late baby.

It is mostly only sex and physical intimacy I miss in terms of a man.

ManifestoMT · 28/12/2013 00:37

Go and see a band from your youth. It's amazing how many blokes your own age squeezed into their old leather jacket you find. There will be some nice ones there though. (Another mate found her dh at a squeeze gig)

It is shit though especially at this time of year when every fucker is putting up with mad mil, crap presents from drunken selfish dh/dp.

If your not workng and a bit trapped at the moment it is crap though.
All things will pass. I found blokes turned up like buses. None for ages and then three would turn up..

PrincessPeashooter · 28/12/2013 00:59

I'm a similar age to you and I have no children, so I feel you are incredibly lucky to have your DS. I could sit in and feel sorry for myself but I've decided that is a waste of energy. Life is still out there for the taking, you go to clubs whilst he 's at clubs, schedule things in when they're at school, other parent, grandparents or even do things together that enrich and excite you both.

One thing I have discovered in my single life is that feeling sorry for myself is not attractive. I've started thinking positively about myself and it shows outwardly. I get a lot more attention as a result.

FloozeyLoozey · 28/12/2013 01:00

All this about needing to love yourself before someone else can love you. Some of the most dysfunctional insecure needy people I know have never been single! ond all that about looking for someone or not looking for someone, it doesn't make any difference. Relationship histories are just random and down to luck.

MistressDeeCee · 28/12/2013 02:04

Meetup.com so you can find & socialise with people with similar interests?

Return sleepover for your son, as another poster suggested?

Internet? Doesn't have to be dating sites, specifically. You can come across likemindefd people in Facebook forums for instance, & who knows what that can lead to?

Your son's at school - there must & will be mums who offer babysitting services but you won't find that info if you don't make an effort to just ask

Its very rare that there are truly no opportunities to get out at all. It can be hard to make that move but you do need to try. Life & love is probably not going to come knocking on your front door.

Mia4 · 28/12/2013 10:00

Your friend isn't allowed to the theatre? What kind of 'prince' has she married?

I know you don't want to try internet dating, it's a good option for you though if it's hard to get out. If it's that or do nothing, which one is more likely to have a chance? As long as you are savvy when it comes to doing it you will be fine. You will get a number of dickheads, of course, just as you would out and about. Difference is that you'll find more on the net because there's more people on the net then in any one room. On the other hand it also means a great chance of finding someone compatible.

You just have to be sure of yourself and nip any dickheads or users in the bud while taking chances on the good ones.

Original poster

bongobaby · 28/12/2013 10:19

Mia4 my best friend is not allowed to go out, her bf creates merry hell if she even asks so she doesn't go out to avoid the hassle, Believe me he is no prince whatsoever! We only end up in her house with my ds and her two ds only going to the shop and back is our going out.
Internet dating scares me as I seem to have a find the dickhead, weirdo lunatic radar switched on to find me.
Not a lot of clubs to do in the daytime and getting out at night is abit hard.

OP posts:

JingleMyBells · 28/12/2013 10:42

I don't want to patronise you because I have been where you are and I know how annoying it is when people say "it will happen". Plus it can be heartbreaking seeing all the loved up couples when you feel lonely. However, what you must remember is that couples may look happy but all may be not what it seems.

Anyway, getting back to the point, I am a single parent and I was single for the majority of the 5 years after my divorce. I had one 8 month relationship. However, I moved town 18 months ago and joined a running club and met DP, we have been together nearly 7 months now. I think clubs/work/through friends are brilliant ways to meet men. I met my previous partner OD in fact. If you can afford a babysitter then think of it as an investment in your future. Good luck

rabbitlady · 28/12/2013 10:53

i don't care how old you are - the game's not over yet.

this year, after 25 years (that's a quarter of a century) alone, a man opened my eyes to the fact that he wanted me. it transpired that other men want me too. hey, ho. i'm giving it some thought and then maybe some of them can have me!

his name is danny, he's an adulterous, philandering bastard and he's not here which really pisses me off (despite it having being me that sent him away, but that's the thread-that-will-never-be).

so do whatever sets you up for a good night, get yourself in the right frame of mind, exude those 'fuck me' vibes and get out there.

don't use your child as an excuse, though.

MistressDeeCee · 28/12/2013 12:52

OP - don't look for excuses to not go out/make things happen - or you'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy and, nothing will happen.

You can join meetup.com to make friends to socialise with for days/nights out, you can pursue hobby, etc. Internet dating isn't the only option, you could come across a nice man whilst doing something you enjoy. There are also friendship sites, there's Gumtree, newspaper ads etc loads of women seeking friends for occasional socialising. It happens - women get to the stage where friends are married and socialise less, or move away.

You can pay for sitters - unless you plan to be out 24/7,its not going to be expensive. Use an agency, or some mums at school will be sitters.

I'm presuming you are in the UK? If so there are numerous daytime activities, adult education classes, all sorts. Things don't only come alive at night!

Again as said, hard as it can be to get 'out there' - if you dont decide to do something from the numerous options out there then you're far less likely to meet anybody. We don't live in a country where its hard for women to get out. & you're not housebound, are you? So - go out. No matter what, you're the one who has to make life happen for you anyway.

ManifestoMT · 28/12/2013 20:34

Sitting in a coffee shop in the day time is classed as out in my book.

I once got chatted up in a library.
I am normal looking slightly on the portly side but I make eye contact and smile and take any opportunity to say something even if it is as innocuous as the weather . If they speak back fine if not nothing lost.
You just have to out and about with an open attitude.
The thing that bugs me now is now I am attached I get more attention. Where were they in my barren days.

MammaTJ · 28/12/2013 20:51

You might need to concentrate on not geting you into a relationship, but your best friend out of one.

I realise you can't actually do that but................

that is your nearest example of being in a relationship......................

are you sure you want that?

HOMEQCRICH · 28/12/2013 21:18

This thread reminds me of Charlotte in SATC screaming' where is he where is he?' And I am not poking fun. Same boat here HMS HOMEQCRICH. I often pretend I am very fussy and say 'now if I wanted a shag I could get that anytime. .' Actually I couldn't it would require 2 weeks notice and the hope that my babysitters don't have alternative plans..

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