AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a Fox Hunt with DPs family?!

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Yesterday I attended a Fox hunt with my DPs family.

I have been vegetarian for 25 years. I work in conservation, and feel very strongly about animal rights. I'm a country girl, so I appreciate that sometimes predator control is necessary, but I HATE the idea of it being a sport. In my experience the real sheep farmers just go out and deal with foxes, they don't get dressed up in fancy clothes and toot horns all day. I used to hear the hunt go past my house as a child, I would stand in the garden and scream at them when I heard the horns. Suffice to say, I have strong feelings about this...

I'm also a working class socialist and feel a slightly disporportionate inverse snobbery against the whole fucking tally-ho red coated brigade. It just makes my blood run cold.

I've always been aware that DPs family are into fox hunting, it's been a subject we agree to disagree on, I would never discuss it with them - I respect their feelings and that's fine. DP however, is a bigger animal lover than I am. I always assumed he felt the same way I did.

Until yesterday. DP had arranged for us to join his family to follow the hunt. We discussed it weeks ago and I said I wasn't happy with it and didn't want to go. He said that was fine, and we would make arrangements to meet them afterwards for dinner. Fast forward to Christmas eve - I asked DP what the arrangements were for Boxing day and he told me we were meeting them first thing to follow the hunt. I went ballistic - I felt that he had totally disregarded our previous conversation and had no respect whatsoever for my feelings. His solution was that I could "Just sit in the house on your own while we go out" and that would be fine...

I was now in a position of being damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I could sit at home and look like a stroppy cow, or I could suck it up and go for the sake of being a good girlfriend.

I chose to go. I thought I shouldn't judge until I've seen it for myself. Fucking hell it was hard - as the riders rode out, all 70 of them I burts into tears and had to hide myself. I'm a pretty emotional person and it just overwhelmed me. It was just so alien to me to be standing there while everyone was cheering them off to go and chase foxes...

We then followed the hunt, and to be fair they didn't actually do anything bad, they were just out for a nice ride. I get that, I really do. But I'm also mortally afraid of horses - fucking terrified of the bastard things. My dog is quite frail, and he's not as quick on his feet as he used to be. MiL grabbed him and paraded him past all the massive horses and I was terrified that he might get kicked or trampled on.

We placed ourselves right in the path of the hunt and stood by as they all thundered past us. I was friggin terrified for myself and my dog. (and I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people). MiL and family had no idea of my real feelings, they thought I was enjoying myself.

So far, so good daughter-in-law, right?. I was proud of myself for going through that for the sake of my DP and to make his DM happy.

But he didn't acknowledge this. He said a weak "thank you for coming" on the way home, but that was all. I sat and brooded all night, then exploded with him that he ought to have been bloody grateful that I went through that for him, that I fucking cried and was terrified and not once did he ask me if I was ok. He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him, told me how grateful he was. Instead I got a half-arsed "Oh but I said thank you..." and that was all.

This morning he has said all the right things, but AIBU to expect a bit more gratitude and praise?!?!

I don't want this to be a debate about fox hunting - there are other threads for that, and I really don't care what other people do. I'm just pissed off with DP (again) for his selfish attitude and need someone to tell me if I'm right or whether I should get over myself!!!

Will you seek to ingratiate yourself again,why are you desperate to marry him?

"I was under the impression that this was just an excuse for people to carry on doing what they wanted and 'accidentally' catching a few foxes along the way"

I don't think you're a troll Op, but don't understand why you didn't just stay at home.
Off thread completely but welcome back Kurri, I hope all is well with you.

And thank you too mouldy

and Cyberfairy yes that's the impression I had of hunts as well. I may well be wrong, but that's what I thought yesterday, and so that's what is relevant to how I felt being there.

Oh and thank you for my first biscuit (sorry cant see who gave it now on my new tangled screen!)

Crikey I can see now how easy it is to get flamed and troll hunted in one post!

You've excessively compromised and now feel shit,but he didn't ask you to
You chose to try ingratiate yourself, acting good daughter in-law When not compelled to
Your not married,you're not the daughter in law,is that what this is about?being good wife,dil?

I'm surprised that someone so vehemently anti-hunting wouldn't know they were actually attending a drag hunt instead of a fox hunt. Since antis have been promoting them over foxhunting for about half a century.

If I had a boyfriend like this, I honestly couldn't cope. You sound like a melodramatic drama queen. What a carry on. Busting into tears at the sight of some people on horseback?

I look for someone who has an interest in the same things as me, that we can do together. What is it that attracts you to him? I assume that one of the benefits of being from a country, hunting family is that he has plenty of money or stands to inherit.

Why do you have to ask your boyfriend the plans for Boxing Day? Would it not be better to plan things together? Or you could have thought up something better fun to do instead? I mean, what was the alternative with no plans in place? Staying in the house watching tv? Going round the sales? None of those would appeal to any of the people I know who spend a lot of time around horses.

I bet your dog loved it.

Showed this to DH, who comes from a towny, anti-sport, anti-pets, anti-hunting, anti-horses family, but who has adapted quite well to my horseriding, and he burst out laughing.

Thank you OP. Your OP is (probably unwittingly) one of the funniest things I have read.

scottishmummy I would love to marry him because I've been with him for nearly 4 years, I love him very much and were TTC - is that ok? I think those are fairly normal reasons for wanting to marry someone.

I 'seek to ingratiate myself' as you put it with him and his family because I want his DM to like me, and I want him to feel comfortable with me with his mother because she hated his ex wife so much. I suppose I'm trying to be what his ex was not.

Wanting to marry,fine. Compromising oneself to appear good marriage material,good dil not fine
You've hit nail on head,you're so keen to marry you'll act like how you think you should
Have you discussed schooling,values,beliefs you both hold.they are biggies
What if he or his parents take your child on a hunt,is that ok?

If you habitually try please his mother,it will erode you and cause resentment
Look at state your in after one hunt,imagine a lifetime if compromise to please mumsy
She'll always love her son,you'll always be the partner.hwd son will always come first

You say you are pissed off "again".

Does your DP often pressurise you into doing something that goes against the grain? It worries me that you feel unable to say no to him, with confidence, and that he would rather put in the position to have to make such a decision than stick up for you to his family. Not a keeper, if that is happening.

Because DP is an animal lover, even more than I am bizarrely. He thinks I'm terrible for some of the conservation methods I use (which involve capturing wild animals to take measurements before releasing them) as he thinks that causes the animals to suffer

OP - please don't do this. Just stop. This is one of the oddest things I have read. You know when anti-foxhunting supporters talk about the fox being stressed when hounds catch it? That's the stress wild animals will feel when you catch them to make yourself feel you are doing something conservationist.

This sounds like that character from Jilly Cooper's "Riders", Tabitha, wasn't it?

I don't think you deserve anything.

You abandoned a principle you say you hold close to your heart just to please some people you actually don't agree with.

I know I wouldn't go and I couldn't give a furry shit if my partner's parents would've disliked it - we've been together 5 years and have a child.

In fact I couldn't respect someone who would try and make me do something that was completely against what I believed in. But then nobody I would go out with would have such opposite opinions on things that mean that much to me and as soon as I found out they did, I would cut my loses.

So medal for going against what you believe in? No, that's cowardly.
Angry with your partner? Yes he's a twat, but you allowed him to be here, I believe.

I agree with Scottishmummy, she's making some very valid points.
Wow, who'd of thought it.

well your principles can't amount to much else you would.nt have gone

Rewind.

Why did you feel it was appropriate to tell your boyfriend what he could and couldn't do on Boxing Day for a few hours with his family?

He was completely reasonable. He suggested you stay at home. You didn't want to and then had a tantrum about it.

You owe him an apology.

I'm also interested in why drag hunting is against anyone's principles. Do people have principles against people riding horses in a group?

I assume that one of the benefits of being from a country, hunting family is that he has plenty of money or stands to inherit. Again, if you read some of the posts upthread, you'll realise that this assumption is way off the mark.

Why do you have to ask your boyfriend the plans for Boxing Day? Would it not be better to plan things together? Yes, this was my mistake. We discussed this a while ago, I told him I wasn't happy with it, and then I forgot about it. I just assumed we'd be going to his DMs for lunch and had no idea he'd made other arrangements without consulting me. FWIW I'm going through a pretty stressful time with my own family, and just didn't think about it to be honest.

I mean, what was the alternative with no plans in place? Staying in the house watching tv? Going round the sales? None of those would appeal to any of the people I know who spend a lot of time around horses. Again, wonderful assumptions, which I'm not going to justify with an answer.

Scottishmummy I too agree with you now, thank you. Compromise is good, but compromising my beliefs is not good.

You've said the hunt people didn't do anything bad but you were frightened of the horses.
Did you not expect to see horses at a hunt? There's nothing wrong with being nervous of horses, they are big animals, but why not just say so and position yourself at the back somewhere, giving them all a cheery wave instead of bursting into tears? I think you wanted him to see you all upset and feel bad and then gush all over you about how brave and wonderful you were to go in the first place.

And people who drag dogs out in crowds to get trodden underfoot really annoy me.

To be honest I feel sorry for the boyfriend, he was looking forward to a bracing outdoorsy day out with his family, all part of their Christmas tradition and so seen as something to look forward to, and it was ruined by the girlfriend having hysterics at the sight of some horses at a hunt. Bet he was really embarrassed.

OP - you have come across quite rational in your responses here, compared to your OP. Your DP's DM is totally unaware of your feelings about hunting, and you compromised your beliefs to fit in with a non-working class family.

You sound like you change with the wind. If you can be so calm now, how or why are you so volatile when around your DP? All that going ballistic, exploding at him, screaming at people when a child - it makes you sound like a bit of a nutter. The spontaneous "bursting into tears" and having to hide yourself at the sight of people on horseback is a bit extreme really.

I met a spontaneous tear burster once - it was so obviously faked for effect that I was too mortified to deal with her and sent my DH round. She did exactly the same thing with her (she had arrived early at our holiday let and burst into tears when we asked her to sign her name for the keys).

You remind me of her. When DP told her bluntly that if she didn't sign, she wasn't getting the keys, the tears promptly dried up and she signed without any further issues.

Bloody nightmare woman. Thankfully I've only met the one.

OP has done nothing wrong except demonstrate just how far in thrall she is to this man

Not cool, not cool at all

Op have you and dp had the big conversation,kids,school,nursery,working
Are you in mutual agreement,do you broadly concur?why did you call yourself a doormat
You need to get your mojo back,refocus on being yourself not good wife material

I was under the impression that this was just an excuse for people to carry on doing what they wanted and 'accidentally' catching a few foxes along the way

In which case you were being even more hypocritical and U. Foxes are still shot or sometimes hunted by a bird of prey (both perfectly legal) so you may still have supported what is imo a much needed cull of the fox population.

Although it sounds to me as if you had more of an issue with/fear of the horses than the hunting, so maybe going somewhere that guaranteed a large amount of excited equines was not the most sensible thing to do.

I'm sorry, I've flicked through this thread so sorry if this has already been said, but what, just what are you doing with this man in the first place?

You get no praise from me for doing something against all values of decency and morality just to please someone, no matter who he is.

Decency and morality? They were watching a draghunt not clubbing baby seals.