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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my ex can't tell me what to spend my money on?

68 replies

miffedatthis · 26/12/2013 17:55

Been separated for 5 years. Reduced payments (but still over the recommended CSA allowance) as I had no money left.

Have now got a bit more money so can treat DS to the occasional meal out and the odd magazine. Not a lot but something.

Ex has just been on the phone complaining that I seem to be treating him when she can't afford to. She moved to a nice area as that was where DS goes to school. It's expensive and that's reflected in her mortgage. Whereas I've been in shared rooms for 4 years before getting my place.

Apparently I'm being insensitive. I do not shower him with stuff but I do have a bit more disposable income - despite giving ex maintenance as I have a cheap mortgage.

I am aware ex does not have much money. I do try to regulate it but DS is pretty much the only person I spend money on.

AIBU to think it's my money?

And as for being insensitve - this is the person who told me she feels sad waking up with DS and not having something to open from Santa so she has to get a Santa present. Yet I have woken up alone for 5 years on Xmas morning without even seeing DS open his presents. And she told me she was upset on Xmas morning. She does not have a clue.

OP posts:

Original poster

miffedatthis · 26/12/2013 19:02

And what's really pissed me off is she thinks I'm spending lots on him when I'm not. A couple of magazines. And the occasional meal. There's plenty of times when I've told him I can't afford it and I am aware of her situation.

But she doesn't see me say that in the shops. She does not know that I do fully understand the reason she lives in that place. I do understand and I know the sacrifice she's made - and the effect DS has had on her.

I get that. I go out of my way to help her. But she does not know my feelings and how I try to make things easier for her. She does not know that I value what's she's done.

OP posts:

redshifter · 26/12/2013 19:16

I can see your point.

It is not her business how you spend your money unless you have an equal say in how she spends hers.

It's especially unreasonable of her to complain about you getting your son a few small treats.

froggies · 26/12/2013 19:19

I wish my ex behaved like you.

No, she cannot dictate how you spend your money, you share looking after your DS, you work and pay maintenance. Taking him for a meal and buying a couple of magazines is kind of par for the course of being with your son if you have a wee bit of spare cash.

For comparison, my ex is a self emplyed trradesman, he owns a house in his own name, and co-owns a house with his new wife (who works full time). Due to a fuck up with solicitors, which is too complicated to explain, he left me with the full debt of the joint mortgage, walking off with the £35.5k that he should have paid into it, which I think he used as a deposit on the place he now shares with his new wife. He filed that his buisness made a loss in the last tax year (I did his books for the 7 years previous to that and he was never any where near making a loss, and he worked longer hours after he left), but as a result the CSA had no option but to say he should pay £0 maintenance for our 2 daughters, even though he was on holiday in Malta when they phoned to discuss his dispute. He sees the girls every other weekend, and they have regular shopping trips, cinema trips, petting zoo, soft play etc, every time they go to his. He frequently buys them toys, clothes, dvd's, DS games etc, none of which ever come home. He does not contribute to clubs, school unforms or school trips.

I have an older DS too, who is hoping to go to college next year, and I am a full time student, I live very rurally, so to get the kids to school I need to run a car. Last summer I discussed with the kids what we were going to save up for, and the decision was a bicycle carrier for the car, so that we could take all of us and all of the bikes to visit my dad during the summer holiday (my dad is a keen cyclist), I used my birthday money sent to me by my dad to buy it in time. When my ex found out what we were planning to buy, he told me I ought to be prioritising my money on the children.

Personally I don't think you have done anything wrong, you are not spoiling your DS, nor neglecting you financial responsibilities to him. I would buy him ice-cream, and if you can manage it a trip to the cinema would't harm him either.

foreverondiet · 26/12/2013 20:23

I think that unless she is struggling to clothe and fed your Ds then it's totally appropriate to give small treats like meals out and magazines.

Just ignore what she says on this.

OctopusWrangler · 26/12/2013 20:35

She needs to keep her nose out of business that isn't hers. You've done more than you have to and she comes across as a bitter and controlling person.

34DD · 26/12/2013 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/12/2013 21:08

Stop giving her permission to behave like this,

Next time she gets funny just say "shall I reduce to csa amount"

If she threatens to move say you will go to court to stop her.

Fwiw I think people that only pay the csa minimum (but can afford more) are shitty parents BUT in a situation where they have been paying more but things like this happen its a means to an end.

peggyundercrackers · 26/12/2013 21:24

I don't think you should let her control you in the way she is doing. It sounds like it wont matter what you do she will always moan. tell her to keep her nose out of your business - and your relationship with your DS. sounds like you have been more than reasonable.

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2013 21:29

Don't engage its not worth it, if she wants to comment tell her sily you are not interested she is welcome to seek legal advice about controlling your spending if she wishes...

Annonynon · 26/12/2013 21:31

YANBU

she sounds very controlling and you shouldn't change things or try to regulate yourself to please her

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 26/12/2013 21:41

You both sound quite bitter tbh. I think it would be best to communicate less, stick to only discussing ds' routine.

Neither of you has a right to tell the other how to spend their money or moan about their christmas, you aren't in a relationhip anymore.

RoseRedder · 26/12/2013 21:42

And my career has also been affected by working part time. and the effect DS has had on her.

I was on your side until these two comments.

She earns more than you, she owns her own home in a nice area, although I'm guessing you must be close to the area too if you are sharing custody and taking your son to school on the mornings he's with you?

If her finances have taken a hit and she is asking for you to contribute more is that something you could do?

I'm confused because on one hand you are saying she has much more money than you but is skint? Do you know what she is spending all her money on then if it's not your son?

RandomMess · 26/12/2013 21:47

If she threatens to move away to a much cheaper area that would interfere with the current shared care please be aware that you can put in for a prohibitive steps order to prevent it/make sure it goes to court.

MeMySonAndI · 26/12/2013 22:01

I agree that whatever you do, you will not be able to please her and you won't agree to her choices either and this is because both of you are making assumptions on each other's standards of living based on the snippets of information your child reveals.

I think the easiest thing to do in these circumstances is to grow a ticker skin and choose your battles.

MeMySonAndI · 26/12/2013 22:03

... Because she is fighting her own battles in the same way that you do.

MeMySonAndI · 26/12/2013 22:03

... Because she is fighting her own battles in the same way that you do.

Lweji · 26/12/2013 22:05

The OP never said he doesn't agree with her choices. He's made sacrifices to support them, effectively. And he says he understands them.
It seems that it's her who's being difficult, TBH.

MeMySonAndI · 26/12/2013 22:07

... No need to threaten her with a prohibition of steps irder, if she is already skint, she won't move becaue selling that house to find a "cheaper" one that needs repairs it is not exactly cost effective.

MeMySonAndI · 26/12/2013 22:11

I still think it is a matter of growing a thicker skin. There is no need to try to please her, he won't be able to do it. In the same way he will continue to resent her for other reasons.

Part and parcel of divorce...

maddening · 26/12/2013 22:21

Why don't you both draw up I&e's to ensure that your maintenance is the same percentage of your income - if that has changed then maybe your contribution should increase - doing this may ensure that you are both happy that the arrangement is fair - she doesn't think it is so reevaluate your finances making it all transparent and everyone knows that the arrangement is fair.

Original poster

miffedatthis · 26/12/2013 22:24

roseredder

She earns more than me but her mortgage must be at least 2 - 3 times my mortgage. That's where her money goes.

If I contributed more (even though I do contribute far more than the "expected" payment), I would have no money to spend on DS. I am lucky in that I have a low mortgage - but that is offset by the fact I pay maintenance after tax.

And as for snippets of her standards of living based on DS - She is the person who keeps telling me she has no money, she can't afford to go out. Not DS.

As for the effect DS has had on her - I am more than aware of the impact of a child on a career. That's why we both work flexibly so I can share care. I also am able and have made an effort to work term time only so we do not have to worry about child care in the holidays.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/12/2013 22:25

I put in about prohibitive steps order because the op wrote

"She just said "I'll move back to....." and then you won't see him."

Implies that she'll move away from the city where they currently live to a much cheaper area.

Original poster

miffedatthis · 26/12/2013 22:29

I think she was just pissed off with life when she said that. I know she is finding things hard at the moment and I know she would be better off if she could somehow reduce her mortgage.

But it's great for school. However - I think that the benefit to her financially of moving is probably worth it despite the upheaval it would cause. That's her decision.

OP posts:

Original poster

miffedatthis · 26/12/2013 22:31

And it is a control thing. She is forever trying to dictate what DS can and can't do at my house. Make sure he doesn't watch too much TV, get some fresh air or he'll be tired and wingy, don't stay up too late etc. I agree we need to have common rules but she wants them on her terms.

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 22:32

Bloody hell, some people just wouldn't be satisfied unless the ex is living under a bridge and having all their wages paid directly in to their bank account.

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