to think my ex can't tell me what to spend my money on?

[miffedatthis]

Been separated for 5 years. Reduced payments (but still over the recommended CSA allowance) as I had no money left.

Have now got a bit more money so can treat DS to the occasional meal out and the odd magazine. Not a lot but something.

Ex has just been on the phone complaining that I seem to be treating him when she can't afford to. She moved to a nice area as that was where DS goes to school. It's expensive and that's reflected in her mortgage. Whereas I've been in shared rooms for 4 years before getting my place.

Apparently I'm being insensitive. I do not shower him with stuff but I do have a bit more disposable income - despite giving ex maintenance as I have a cheap mortgage.

I am aware ex does not have much money. I do try to regulate it but DS is pretty much the only person I spend money on.

AIBU to think it's my money?


And as for being insensitve - this is the person who told me she feels sad waking up with DS and not having something to open from Santa so she has to get a Santa present. Yet I have woken up alone for 5 years on Xmas morning without even seeing DS open his presents. And she told me she was upset on Xmas morning. She does not have a clue.

[RandomMess]

Smile sweetly at her and state "your house your rules, my house my rules"?

Huge difference between (for example) her stating "x still has homework to do" and telling you "he can't spend all morning playing games".

TBH it's your ex who hasn't moved on at all by the sounds of it, you both somehow need to otherwise all hell will break loose when any new partners appear on the scene.

[BlackDaisies]

I agree, don't engage so much. If she talks about what he has to do at your house, just smile and then start talking to your son. I would switch off a bit. Could you get some counselling for yourself? It sounds like you are still very caught up in your relationship and affected by your ex. You aren't moving on. Her comments should really be washing over you. I found that the less I engaged or showed any emotion, my ex backed off.

[MeMySonAndI]

Ignore, ignore, ignore. If you take these things to court the more you can aim for is to get an order were it says you and your ex are not allowed to talk to each other during handover times. I'm sure that you both would get so annoyed after that that you won't communicate in any other way any more, which is a pity really as you need to communicate to be able to co parent that child.

It may also cost £1000s to get such order. So, make it easy, just stay in the car at pick up and drop of, or arrange to do the handover at school.

[starlight1234]

YANBU...I agree..You seem to be helping far more than is expected....The comment about not playing all morning..Did he have homework to do?

I also think you need to encourage less communication after 5 years this will be normal ..

It is your choice what you spend your money on...We all make descisions on how we want to spend our money...

[RandomMess]

Hmm but the ex chose to buy a 3 bed house - she doesn't need a 3 bed house, she could move to a cheaper house in a cheaper area without losing the school place if things are financially that tight...

[ivykaty44]

Ignore the comments to the point that she may begin to think you haven't heard her

Or

Say not your time not your sayand keep repeating this phrase at every opportunity

Not your time not your say

Not your time not your say

It leaves your son under the impression that mum is not the boss over dad but it is not rude either to his mom and keep saying and giving the same message you don't have a day in my time

No need to argue either if she tries to argue just repeat my time my say and walk away

[RandomMess]

Could you write her a letter (and rewrite several hundred times) along the lines of "whilst I'm very happy that we are able to be flexible over contact days and times butt out of my life and parenting?"

Be more assertive but ensure that you are ultra polite and calm when replying "please do no phone me for non-urgent matters" "it is not appropriate for you to try and dictate what happens in my contact time with ds" that kind of thing? "How I parent ds is up to me"

I agree mediation would be a good thing.

[comingintomyown]

No she can't tell you what to spend your money on or how to spend time with your son

Five years on its time to put some firm boundaries in place

[miffedatthis]

I think youre right about mediation. She does just not understand how controlling she is. I am taking DS away for a few days by train. She is meeting me there for logistic reasons. I get a phone call at 7am (2 1/2 hrs before train leaves) to see if I am awake. I then get asked what time I'm leaving.

FFS - I'm an adult. I would not hassle her that early in the morning. I'd assume she was capable and responsible enough to get there on time. I was a bit abrupt with her and told her I would be at the station at the time we agreed. I got told off for being "narky".

[glammanana]

Whilst I think YANBU miffed and certainly wish my x SIL took his responsibilities as seriously as you do I think maybe there may be some underlying issues with unfinished business between the two of you,have you been to mediation at all and brought out these issues if not it may be worthwhile to try.
My x SIL paid for my 2DGCs for one month only then filled in forms saying his business was operating at a loss so he stopped paying just as DD was getting school uniform together for senior school for DGD,he has never so much as bought her a pair of socks but told the DGCs that he won't be here next Christmas as he is off to Australia for 8 weeks to stay at his brothers and has just booked his flight what a complete a---.

[Lweji]

I can see how it can get to you, but try to detach.

Or reciprocate. Next time you hand over, tell her to...

Or ask her: did you mean to be so controlling? Followed by, he'll only play games all afternoon.

[miffedatthis]

She's at it again. Went to collect DS. She said "I've told him he can't spend all morning playing games".

Not that we were going to anyway - but that's not the point.

We've always tried to maintain a good relationship and been very flexible but she is really pushing me and trying to control everything.

[Greenmug]

YANBU at all.

[MeMySonAndI]

I agree, reduce your level of contact with her. Have you heard about having a handover notebook?

In it you write anything that your ex may need to be aware of after the visit ie. if the child has been ill, when the next dose of medicine is due and if you were given any info from school, invites, etc. you write it there. She is expected to do the same.

So you wait outside the door on pick up and don't stay at drop off, leave as soon as the kid gets inside. The notebook travels in the child's bag.

If she is out of order just remind her that you are no longer married and that you are only expected by the CSA to provide x amount a week but you are happy to provide more for the sake of your daughter but she is not to tell you how to spend your money.

[RandomMess]

Sounds like you actually need to reduce your level of contact/interaction with her. Do you think that is something you can do?

[RoseRedder]

That is a horrible situation to find yourself

If that is the way she behaved when you were together unfortunately it's unlikely to change now your apart

Ignore her comments and critiscism

[miffedatthis]

I left because I was tired of being controlled and being expected to live by her rules. Anything I said or did was wrong and it felt like treading on egg shells in the house.

[MidniteScribbler]

Bloody hell, some people just wouldn't be satisfied unless the ex is living under a bridge and having all their wages paid directly in to their bank account.

[miffedatthis]

And it is a control thing. She is forever trying to dictate what DS can and can't do at my house. Make sure he doesn't watch too much TV, get some fresh air or he'll be tired and wingy, don't stay up too late etc. I agree we need to have common rules but she wants them on her terms.

[miffedatthis]

I think she was just pissed off with life when she said that. I know she is finding things hard at the moment and I know she would be better off if she could somehow reduce her mortgage.

But it's great for school. However - I think that the benefit to her financially of moving is probably worth it despite the upheaval it would cause. That's her decision.

[RandomMess]

I put in about prohibitive steps order because the op wrote

"She just said "I'll move back to....." and then you won't see him."

Implies that she'll move away from the city where they currently live to a much cheaper area.

[miffedatthis]

roseredder

She earns more than me but her mortgage must be at least 2 - 3 times my mortgage. That's where her money goes.

If I contributed more (even though I do contribute far more than the "expected" payment), I would have no money to spend on DS. I am lucky in that I have a low mortgage - but that is offset by the fact I pay maintenance after tax.

And as for snippets of her standards of living based on DS - She is the person who keeps telling me she has no money, she can't afford to go out. Not DS.

As for the effect DS has had on her - I am more than aware of the impact of a child on a career. That's why we both work flexibly so I can share care. I also am able and have made an effort to work term time only so we do not have to worry about child care in the holidays.

[maddening]

Why don't you both draw up I&e's to ensure that your maintenance is the same percentage of your income - if that has changed then maybe your contribution should increase - doing this may ensure that you are both happy that the arrangement is fair - she doesn't think it is so reevaluate your finances making it all transparent and everyone knows that the arrangement is fair.

[MeMySonAndI]

I still think it is a matter of growing a thicker skin. There is no need to try to please her, he won't be able to do it. In the same way he will continue to resent her for other reasons.

Part and parcel of divorce...