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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that adult kids should buy their own presents

29 replies

meddie · 26/12/2013 17:15

Really grated this year. Nieces are both in their 30's have their own homes,partners and jobs and my family always buys them individual presents. In return we get one present from dsil saying happy xmas from db, dsil dn1 and her partner and Dn2 and her partner. Now I know that dsil has bought this present and nieces had no input. Why pretend? Its nothing to do with the present its the whole trying to cover up that nieces cba buying anyone other than their own mum and sister a present

OP posts:

AnotherWorld · 26/12/2013 17:22

With all the abbreviations there I have no idea who bought what for who - or who didn't. But I think adults should buy presents for their families themselves.

SilverApples · 26/12/2013 17:24

So buy one present for DB and DSIL and stop buying for your nieces.

superbagpuss · 26/12/2013 17:27

I only send cards to aunts and uncles and they do the same

we send presents to my cousins DC and my DC are lucky enough to receive something from most family members

as an adult I would only get presents from dh, DC - through dh- my parents

LineRunner · 26/12/2013 17:27

Buy a reciprocal present for them all, communally. A nice tin of shortbread or something.

lalamumto3 · 26/12/2013 17:27

Sounds like it is time for you to just buy one present too.

I changed how I bought for BIl and his girlfriend after spending a lot of time, energy and expense on lovely presents and being given a toblerone in return, it felt very lacking in thought. Decided it was my problem, not theirs, downsized it all and it all felt right again.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2013 17:29

Your DN's are telling you loud and clear that they do not want to buy for any other adult, than their immediate family, Parents and Siblings.

Next year don't buy them a present, if it bothers you.

I repeatedly didn't hand over a present year after year, under the same circumstances, I wasn't going to be bullied into present buying.

You don't have to buy presents for anyone, accept your children and you shouldn't try to make anyone obligated to buy you anything.

I am annoyed at receiving gifts this year from someone, but I won't buy next year, regardless.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 26/12/2013 17:30

So stop buying for your nieces.

I don't know why adult relatives (except maybe siblings and parents) need to buy presents for each other anyway.

Its a case of spending £20 on each other, why not just keep the money.

Original poster

meddie · 26/12/2013 17:31

Yup think thats what I will do next year. I understood when the girls were little that present was from whole family. But kids are grown up. Have their own lives and still their mum puts their names and their partners name on the one present. Felt mean not getting them a gift. They are my nieces but wont be doing it anymore

OP posts:

NoComet · 26/12/2013 17:32

Please don't buy presents for adult DNs who don't reciprocate. I've been trying not to buy gifts for my aunt for years, DM has been trying for nearly 50 years. she still sends utter rubbish every year.

SilverApples · 26/12/2013 17:33

We give each other small edible gifts, adult to adult. A treat really.
No resentment and grating involved.

cheminotte · 26/12/2013 17:43

Probably time to stop buying them presents. Never had presents from aunts and uncles past childhood.As an adult I send them Christmas cards but not presents.

Kundry · 26/12/2013 17:44

Have you not read the gazillion threads in the run up to Christmas about buying for adult nieces and nephews - started by people who want buy less presents? There is a general consensus that once they leave school, they don't get presents unless you have an especially close relationship with them.

Your DNs are clearly telling you they aren't bothered about your presents so stop buying them!

foreverondiet · 26/12/2013 17:52

Just don't buy them presents next year. I think once "adult children" have left school or maybe once they have jobs then no need to buy presents. I personally will buy until they start working, although would probably buy for their children when they have them. My parents buy for their nephew's children, my aunt buys for my children.

Or better buy a joint present for SIL BIL and nieces and boyfriends.

BrandiBroke · 26/12/2013 17:53

I was thinking about this yesterday. I got a present from my brother and his wife and 2 sons, but the sons are 16 and 21. I wouldn't care if I didn't get a present from my nephews and to be honest I would rather that than to receive one that I know they had absolutely no input into. Similarly, from my sister's 3 kids I got one present which I am sure she bought (I also got a separate present from her and her husband). 2 of the 'kids' are over 18. If they don't want to get me anything I would rather they didn't than my siblings pretend.

GinnelsandWhippets · 26/12/2013 18:02

I agree with previous posters - don't buy them presents. It's fairly normal, I think, to stop buying presents for children when they get past their teenage years. I have stopped buying for my cousin this year as he turned 21 and is working - I just got a large box of chocs for the whole family instead. I wouldn't expect hime to start buying for me. And if I had to reciprocate in present buying for all the adults in my family who had bought for me as a child I'd be utterly skint. It has to stop somewhere!

WooWooOwl · 26/12/2013 18:05

I don't think there's anything wrong with a gift from the whole family even when the dc are grown up.

They just choose to do things differently to you. Your way is no more right than their way.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 26/12/2013 18:32

I buy my aunt and uncle Xmas gifts. I wouldn't expect my parents to! In fact, it would be really odd for my parents to send something 'from' me that wasn't in fact from me...

Original poster

meddie · 26/12/2013 18:38

Wibbly thats how I feel. We are only a small family It really doesnt bother me if they dont send a gift.Its just weird that their mum still puts not only their names but also now the names of their partners too. Its just a box of biscuits but its supposedly sent from 6 adults who live in 3 separate houses.

OP posts:

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 26/12/2013 18:53

Do you think it's habit? My MIL loves to send cards to all and sundry and signs everyone's name - very odd when we have independent relationships with a lot of these people and would send our own Xmas cards, for example. But in her case, I really do think it comes from years of signing her sons' names. If it's not habit, it's pretty odd!

IamChristmas · 26/12/2013 19:39

I only realised recently that my mum still signs mine and my brothers names on cards/pressies to relatives...we both moved out over twenty years ago! I had no idea, I just thought I didn't do pressies with relatives, I didn't know she was claiming hers were partly from me. So your nieces may have no idea!

carvedpumpkin · 26/12/2013 19:47

our family stops doing gifts at 18 and then we start to celebrate by meeting up - at Christmas with my df's side of the family we always met up for drinks with my aunts uncles and cousins - we all had a celebration but each pay our own way, much simpler. df died this year but we are still meeting up with them all and my step mum, it's a nice tradition to have as it also means we get to see each other.

NurseRoscoe · 26/12/2013 20:37

I don't buy for aunties, uncles, cousins etc there are way too many of them and quite frankly I would rather spend the money on my children than relatives I see a couple of times a year (I live 200 miles away). I don't think it's a fact of can't be arsed more that christmas is stressful anyway without having to remember to buy a thoughtful gift for everyone.

It's just a tag, don't think too much into it! Presents aren't the be all and end all.

tassisssss · 26/12/2013 20:39

Decided to stop buying for Dh's niece this year (she's 22). Did however buy for her one year old. I still buy for 3 aunts and they all give to either us or our kids.

ALittleStranger · 26/12/2013 21:07

Just don't buy for them. I don't expect gifts from extended family and find it really awkward if someone does buy me one as it won't be reciprocated.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 26/12/2013 21:19

I get the don't but for adult n&n especially when they have left home and have jobs, but it feels awkward to just stop! Difficult for me as our children are still very young so would be receiving and not giving. Imo people should do what suits them,

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