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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - feeding my baby

60 replies

Bubblegoose · 26/12/2013 17:02

Please be gentle...

DS2 is 2.5 weeks old. ILs are staying for five weeks (another thread altogether).

I am not able to breastfeed due to a medical condition. Therefore I am formula feeding DS2, like I did DS1. Even though I knew I wouldn't be able to feed the baby myself, I am still pretty upset that I can't. I know it's not completely rational but there you go.

MIL is constantly trying to feed the baby. It makes me upset every time I see her. I almost feel a physical ache. I feel like we're playing a game trying to get to the baby first when he's hungry. She says I'm being precious and it's a way of showing her love. I say that she can show her love other ways and even though I can't breastfeed, feeding my baby is still important to me.

Am I being precious/unreasonable? I feel so unhappy about this and I have taken to hiding in my room with the baby like a sulky teenager.

OP posts:
AntoinetteCosway · 26/12/2013 17:29

You're not being precious at all. I couldn't BF for various reasons and tried as hard as I could to make FF as much like BF as possible-lots of skin to skin, the right angle, looking at each other etc. I felt guilty enough about not BF (though I shouldn't have as there was no way to do so, and now with retrospect it makes me angry that I was ever made to feel guilty-DD did get fed after all!) and it helped me feel better to do FF that way.

If I were you I'd tell your MIL this is non-negotiable. It is your bonding time and hugely important for you and the baby. She needs to back off.

lljkk · 26/12/2013 17:33

How long will MIL be staying with you?

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 26/12/2013 17:52

Hi, expat too and had a visit from the inlaws 6 weeks post birth last month. Also told when they'd turn up - not consulted. What fun...

You really need to put your foot down, both with them and DH. Be as awful as you need to be - can always blame hormones later. Remember that you are the main person your baby needs. Every rational person knows that a tiny baby needs its mum most. Hence you're in a stronger position than you think.

Good luck.

Slatecross · 26/12/2013 17:52

If you had posted "I've just had a baby and my inlaws have come to stay for 5 weeks. AIBU if I stab them with the bread knife?" I'd have said no. The fact ages muscling in on feeding would see her booted out to a travel tavern if she was here.
See her off! X

fluffyraggies · 26/12/2013 18:46

OP so relieved to hear that you have it in you to take charge of this situation. It's coming through in your posts that this is a temporary blip in your assertiveness Grin

Also - SO relieved to read ''DH will go along with whatever I want.'' That's half the battle won already.

Read and re-read the posts here. YANNNNNNNNNBU! You do the feeding, she can do other stuff.

I was so Angry for you earlier i had to put aside the laptop and find something else to do! (preg. hormones)

Flowers
Nanny0gg · 26/12/2013 18:56

My DiL always bottle-fed. So did my niece. Their rules, for as long as they chose, was that their DH was the only other person allowed to feed the baby, apart from themselves.

Fair enough. If the baby had been breastfed, no-one else would have been able to anyway.

I think I was allowed after about three months, which was lovely, but I was happy to go along with what was wanted.

It's not as though I wasn't allowed cuddles!

Ginfox · 26/12/2013 18:58

Fluffy it's given me the rage too.

OP at this point there is nothing more important than you bonding with your newborn, and you know this as you've done it before. How you are feeding is irrelevant. The idea of you feeling that you have to hide in your bedroom in your own home is horrible.

Would you be up for wearing a sling? Keeping DS literally plastered to your chest might help - can't see how anyone would be cheeky enough to wrestle a baby out of a sling.

CPtart · 26/12/2013 19:19

YANBU. Stick to your guns, you need to set a precedent now whilst baby is small that you are in charge.

200Cigarettes · 26/12/2013 19:29

Yanbu your mil needs to back off this is bonding time for you and your baby, and she has no right feeding your child to unless you've asked her.

perfectstorm · 26/12/2013 19:32

I'm really angry on your behalf. Tell her this stops, and get your husband to back you. You feed your own newborn baby, and if she doesn't like that, then tough. Your baby needs you right now - extended family can mean a huge amount, but not to a newborn.

Utterly gobsmacked by the rudeness of booking a 5 week stay with a new family. Great that your DH takes them out a lot, but that's time for him with you and the baby and the toddler stolen, isn't it. They sound very selfish indeed to me.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 26/12/2013 19:48

Hi agree totally.... Bloody cheek to stay so long.... Unless of course pil were fulfilling a need, besides their own.
Regarding the feeding, agree with everyone else -you NEED that time together. Be strong, be consistence and gracious, you may really want them to babysit one day.....ignore any attempts to undermine or sulk. Big hugs & best luck.

Clunch · 26/12/2013 19:56

Total sympathy. OP. I couldn't BF my baby either -primary lactation failure despite trying literally every method of establishing supply for two months - and while I knew perfectly well formula was an acceptable alternative, I felt guilty and conflicted about it, and tried to replicate everything possible about BF bar the actual breast milk.

I'd have gone haywire with someone else muscling in. Do speak up and establish appropriate boundaries amiably. It's best for you and your newborn. And congratulations!

FirstStopCafe · 26/12/2013 19:57

Yanbu. Hope you or dh can speak to your mil about this

SunnyRandall · 26/12/2013 19:59

Grin at the image of mil trying to wrestle the baby out of OPs sling.

OP hope you suceed with putting your foot down.

YADNBU.

ChristmasDayIsAGoodDay · 26/12/2013 20:18

Totally agree with everyone else, especially what FestiveYOni said You will not get these moments back. : so true. The newborn weeks are so so precious and they should be yours to enjoy. It has nothing to do with being bottle fed. Your MIL has had her children. It's your turn now.

ChristmasDayIsAGoodDay · 26/12/2013 20:22

Just to add: if you feel overwhelmed by the fact that they are stopping with you for so long (I would!) then just shut yourself away for a few hours here and there. Take time to relax with /snooze with/cuddle your baby in private.
Think about it: what would you regret the most, upsetting your pushy MIL or not spending enough quality time with your precious baby?

Pilgit · 26/12/2013 20:29

I couldn't breastfeed either of my dds and found the fact that other people could feed them and bind with them as a positive out of the negative if not being able to breastfeed. BUT no one did it without either asking or being asked. My mil would never have undermined my feelings as yours is. She viewed any opportunity as a gift given to her and a bit of time off for me. Had I not felt comfortable with it she would bave seen it as my right.

It is about boundaries. She is over stepping them and is probably doing it for reasons of love. But she is over stepping and needs to recognise that and acknowledge your feelings.

Pilgit · 26/12/2013 20:30

Apologies for typos. Bloody phone

Shellywelly1973 · 26/12/2013 20:36

Yanbu but I think I would make the absolute most of the in laws staying & get them to help out with both dc as much as possible.

notundermyfoof · 26/12/2013 20:51

This is why I am so glad I was able to bf my babies, my mil would have been just like yours otherwise - she would take the baby as soon as the feed was finished as it was!

Yanbu at all! You need to bond with the baby too and your mil needs to be a bit more understanding and respectful. I agree with all the advice others have given about allowing her to do one feed (if you're happy to let her do it) and make sure that dh backs you up.

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 26/12/2013 21:34

Important thing to remember is that your baby needs to bond with you, as you are the primary carer. It's actually about what is best for them, it is essential for their future emotional and mental health.

Of course it's good to bond with others including grandparents but the priority is you, then dh, then everyone else.

BocaDeTrucha · 26/12/2013 21:54

About the meals roster, sod that, they should be doing all the cooking. As another expat with a baby, at 4 weeks we had the pils come for 10 days and I didn't step foot in the kitchen the whole time.. It was almost an unspoken rule.

outforawalkbitch · 26/12/2013 21:58

YANBU I really feel for you. Get DH to tactfully have a word with them, then stick to your guns. X

RedPencilPot · 26/12/2013 22:06

Your MIL is being a complete tosser; you need to fight fire with fire.

Tell her, in a very loud voice, that she will NOT NOT NOT be needed to feed the baby. Just keep repeating loudly "I'll do it, thank you" and do not allow her to do it,

What kind of complete wanker thinks it's ok to feed someone else's newborn when they've clearly said they don't want them too?

Subtle will not work with this person.

Original poster
Bubblegoose · 26/12/2013 23:08

Hello again,

An update: had a massive cry/rage at DH and he was great and said he'd say something. He hadn't realised how awful I was feeling. I went out for a few hours and when I got back MIL was looking tight lipped so I know he has had a word with her. We'll see how it goes. Also, DH is taking his parents and the toddler away for a few days next week. I know that sounds drastic and I would really rather spend time with MY little family but since that's not an option right now this is a good alternative as I really need some space. It's to a friend's holiday home an hour away so I can always join them later yeah right. I will miss the toddler dreadfully and feel guilty about leaving him but I think all the attention will do him good anyway.

I really don't know why anyone would even want to stay with people with a new baby. Your hosts are tired, preoccupied and irritable and sleep at weird times. Not my idea of a good time.

fluffy and ginfox - thanks for your rage, it's galvanising! Don't worry, am going to be cracking some skulls with you in mind.

Clunch you've described my feelings (and struggle) exactly. It sucks.

A couple of people mentioned a sling. I am a sling fanatic and DS is glued to me whenever practical. This has provoked a few eye rolls but they are used to it after DS1. MIL is sad that she can't take the baby out in a pram but hey ho, she'll get over it like she did with DS1.

THANK YOU all again. God I love MN.

OP posts: