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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel annoyed by a stranger telling me to have my dd 'checked out'

73 replies

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 16:16

At mils today there were some other guests - neighbours I think. One commented that my 20 month old dd nods and points a lot but doesn't talk much and I should consider having her checked out as she's far behind her dgd of similar age

I admit it's got me wondering though. Dd clearly has no hearing issues, she can understand instructions with several steps involved. She can make her needs known (to us) but the only clear word other people can understand is mama. She has probably four more where I know what she means. AIBU to be annoyed by the strangers comment and am I being even more unreasonable to have let it concern me?

OP posts:

WaitingForPeterWimsey · 26/12/2013 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noslimbody · 26/12/2013 20:52

Well I am worried now. My ds is 25 months old, has no words at all. He points and makes noises, understands one step instructions. He can clearly hear me but ignores me alot of the time. I know he can hear me because he can hear the word 'biscuit' from the other side of the house.
He certainly knows how to make his needs known! I would ignore

Purplepoodle · 26/12/2013 20:53

Your dd should be having her two year check soonishby Hv. She should have 50 words, if she doesn't Hv will refer to speech therapy.

NiceTabard · 26/12/2013 20:57

I am a bit torn on this one.

It does seem rude for someone you don't know (although this wasn't a random stranger on the street) to say they think there might be something wrong with your child.

And the comparison to DGD is ridiculous!

Having said that, if you think she may have a point, it might be wise to bear it in mind / get it checked.

One of our DC had a squint which no-one in the family noticed, due to us seeing her every day and not noticing as it worsened so gradually. It took an "outsider" to point it out.

Another DC didn't really talk and pointed and things instead of talking. Words that she did say were difficult to understand. We had concerns but thought and hoped it would right itself. It didn't and we have now found out that the waiting list for speech therapy here is over 2 years. So she was assessed and found to be well behind at 2.5 and now she is in school and appts still not through. Luckily we have been able to afford to get a private person. Still I have friends in a similar boat so from that POV the sooner you can get the ball rolling (if there is indeed a problem) then you will get on waiting lists sooner.

So like I say, mixed feelings. If you think there may be a prob then HV is first step I guess, they will know what to do, where to refer.

NiceTabard · 26/12/2013 20:57

Purplepoodle in our area you don't get a 2 year check.

CoteDAzur · 26/12/2013 21:00

noslimbody - No words at 25 months does warrant some inspection. Please don't ignore it.

WaitingForPeterWimsey · 26/12/2013 21:35

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MrsDeVere · 26/12/2013 21:45

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WaitingForPeterWimsey · 26/12/2013 22:01

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MrsDeVere · 26/12/2013 22:08

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Xmasbaby11 · 26/12/2013 22:28

YANBU - 20 mins is nothing. DD could be silent for that time around a stranger, yet other times produce full sentences. It is presumptuous to think she has noticed something about your child that you haven't.

The 2 year check will be useful. If there is a speech delay, there is a follow up. It takes a while, but the wheels will be in motion. Where I live, everyone is offered a 2 year check. It would't occur to me to refuse, but I suppose you can do.

If your DD is in nursery, they should be keeping an eye on her development and talk to you about any concerns.

NiceTabard · 26/12/2013 22:36

Our last check is 6 weeks.

There is a big variation around the country in what services are offered. And what waiting lists etc are like. If OP has a concern it would be better to get seen sooner rather than later to get the wheels in motion.

I know of 3 people (kids the same age as mine) who have had speech delay / problems diagnosed between 2 and 2.5 and are still waiting for help once their children have started school. And at that point it starts to cause a cascade of other problems.

I think it's shocking TBH, I think if these children got help before school they would be better placed and that speedy intervention would pay in the long run, but I guess that's the cuts for you.

Also is a classic case of the wealthier having an advantage. Private speech therapy is expensive, but in this area if you don't do that you're going to wait forever. It is just so wrong.

mercibucket · 26/12/2013 22:38

I will be forever grateful to the ballsy german woman who told me my ds looked ill and I should get it checked out

all my other friends later said they had also noticed but didn't want to say anything

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 23:17

Thanks for your mostly lovely replies

There's no two year check round here. Think I'll wait til she's closer to two and then see the HV if there is no improvement.

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 27/12/2013 06:52

Jingle - I took my DS to the HV at around the same stage and asked for a SALT referral as knew there was a waiting list of around 3 months (and this was 4 years ago)

By the time he saw her, his speech had come on a bit and it was all fine but I'm glad I saw her as it was worrying me.

NicknameIncomplete · 27/12/2013 07:15

A close family member has a child that is 16 months old and i have concerns but i dont know whether to say anything or not.

This dc shows no emotion, no expression, the child doesnt laugh or babble, or interact with many people. I see this child a couple of times a week, talk to it, play with it etc & everytime i see them the child acts like im a stranger. It feels like there is something missing. It is hard to discribe.

It could be normal but i havent been around a child like this before. I have a child of my own & many nieces & nephews & none of them have been like this.

I think people notice different things and sometimes it is worth taking in what they said.

noslimbody · 27/12/2013 07:25

coteDAzur yes I am worried about it, but feel as though maybe a little paranoid. I have two children with autism, and am watching constantly. He has bad cough at the moment, so when it clears up a bit, will ask the gp for a referral. Feel as though I live in the autism family sigh....I know I have two with autism already, but ah well, I love them both and would die for them, but the whole going through diagnosis bit is so stressful...Will man up and get on with it after hols

CecilyP · 27/12/2013 09:15

Nickname, I think what you have described is concerning, so you are probably giving serious thought to how you can broach it tactfully with the parents - because you are a considerate person.

OTOH, OP's child sounds entirely normal, but this crass individual just came out and said what she said. Why? So she can be smug about her grandchild? Surely by the time you are old enough to be a grandmother, you know how much children vary when it comes to speech.

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2013 09:21

Sometimes comparing children can be useful in noticing that something is wrong.

My friend found this out with her and my baby she compared mine to hers and it provided her with confidence to call doctor shortly after her baby had open heart surgery

CoteDAzur · 27/12/2013 09:25

noslim - Autism wouldn't be the first thing that would come to my mind. A child who has no words at 25 months could easily be suffering from glue ear or similar that prevents them from properly recognising sounds.

Jinsei · 27/12/2013 09:36

There is a huge range of what's "normal", I think, OP. My own dd was an early talker and wouldn't shut up at 20 months, but my goddaughter barely said a word at that stage. A few months on, however, my goddaughter's language seems to have suddenly exploded! She was 2 in November and is now talking loads.

You know your child best, not some silly stranger. If you feel that her comprehension is good and she can make her own needs understood, then there is probably no cause for concern. It isn't a race, and she'll get there in her own good time.

bochead · 27/12/2013 09:40

I have a child with several invisible disabilities, it's been helpful to me that others have noticed the differences and during the long battle for diagnosis (aged 8!) kept me going some days when my confidence was low.

I'd ignore one individual, especially an effective stranger as frankly some people are just RUDE! If it keeps happening, especially at Mum & Baby groups where there is the opportunity for a direct peer comparison I'd pop along to your GP. This is because so many simple things like glue ear or tongue tie can be sorted quickly and with minimal fuss when tiny yet if left unchecked can cause real issues later on iyswim.

edamsavestheday · 27/12/2013 15:12

Your MIL's friend could be a busybody or maybe
a useful prompt - impossible to say unless you feel like asking you HV whether there are any indications that need to be checked.

I have stories either way, the dim teacher in reception who told my SIL dn might have autism - no, he just didn't want to talk to her; or the child of friends where I could see there was possibly something wrong but didn't know whether to suggest any checks - he turned out to have a hearing impairment and autism but took years to be diagnosed.

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