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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel annoyed by a stranger telling me to have my dd 'checked out'

73 replies

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 16:16

At mils today there were some other guests - neighbours I think. One commented that my 20 month old dd nods and points a lot but doesn't talk much and I should consider having her checked out as she's far behind her dgd of similar age Hmm

I admit it's got me wondering though. Dd clearly has no hearing issues, she can understand instructions with several steps involved. She can make her needs known (to us) but the only clear word other people can understand is mama. She has probably four more where I know what she means. AIBU to be annoyed by the strangers comment and am I being even more unreasonable to have let it concern me?

OP posts:
skrumle · 26/12/2013 18:21

my DD spoke fluently in long sentences by 20 months, my DS wasn't speaking at all at that point, comparison with other kids isn't necessarily helpful. if you're concerned have a look at what the range is for milestones.

YANBU to be hacked off that a stranger has worried you on boxing day because your DD isn't at the same stage as her DGD...

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2013 18:39

YANBU.

Not all daffodils flower on the same day.

Oh, and...

The proof is in the pudding.

(These are my two favorite sayings now my DC are getting older).

Alanna1 · 26/12/2013 18:48

I would go and get your DC checked. I think its silly that people don't say something when it should be checked out of concern for what you might think. She wasn't being unkind. That's not many words; isn't the "warning" minimum guideline c.50 by age 2?

VesuviusPoovius · 26/12/2013 19:00

Sometimes someone can spot something no one else does (or they don't like to point out). And sometimes someone points something out just because.

Which do you think this is?

Coming as someone with too many DC, one of which was diagnosed late with ASD, over the years there were a few comments which with hindsight were spot on. The person I met at a BBQ, who was a teacher and sidled up to me and described textbook ASD behaviour she had observed in my DC - she didn't say 'get it checked out' but she certainly meant it.

CecilyP · 26/12/2013 19:12

I would go and get your DC checked. I think its silly that people don't say something when it should be checked out of concern for what you might think. She wasn't being unkind. That's not many words; isn't the "warning" minimum guideline c.50 by age 2?

Checked out for what exactly? Her hearing has already been checked; she understands and responds to what others are saying. She has 4 months to go until she is 2. DS had about a dozen words at this age and well over 300 by the time he was 2, having really taken off at 21 months.

grumpyoldbat · 26/12/2013 19:25

The OP's dd won't be 2 for 4 months yet, plenty of time for 50 words yet.

headinhands · 26/12/2013 19:31

We all probably do it all the time without realising, giving unsolicited advice that is. Surely you've experience this before? Either you think they have made a valid point or not? I doubt the person in question did it to just upset you, they probably thought they were being helpful. From what you say your dc sounds fine but am no expert.

SomethingkindaOod · 26/12/2013 19:31

My eldest spoke far fewer words at that age than my DD2 does, (she's just a month older than yours) and he had no problems with speech apart from knowing when to shut up... DD2 is the youngest of 3 and as we're a noisy household she picks up the language far quicker than her brother did.
If she can make herself understood to you and you can anticipate her needs/wants then in her own mind she's saying it right. You're probably already doing it but if you repeat the right word back to her when she asks for something then she'll get it in her own time.
IF you do have concerns of your own then raise it with a HV, but she's still very young and has plenty of time to learn!

FryOneFatChristmasGoose · 26/12/2013 19:33

My brother didn't bother speaking until he was about 3, and he's had verbal diarrhoea since then, according to mum. Notice I said bother, well, he had me as his big sis getting anything he wanted, he was just too lazy to actually ask.

DP was the same, 2 older siblings so no incentive to verbalise much. He's very talkative when he wants to be.

The guidelines are just that, guidelines. They're not set in stone and children will develop at different rates.

monkeynuts123 · 26/12/2013 19:39

She was rude and your baby is fine, both mine didn't really say anything much until 2.5yrs. At 2 yrs the hv came to do the 2 year check and baby was meant to have something like 50 words and we could only count 7 words and 5 of those only I could understand!! We had a giggle about it. Anyway, both kids didn't bother much with repeating but just started talking like adults around 2.5 years. Woman was rude and insensitive and also wrong.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 26/12/2013 19:40

My DD barely talked at that age, now i cant get her to shut up and shes 6.

MrsCampbellBlack · 26/12/2013 19:42

I think the woman was incredibly rude, especially to compare your child negatively to her grandchild.

My middle child was a late talker but I was aware of that and he had a SALT assesment but was fine.

He understood stuff and could follow instructions, he was and still is just a very laidback child.

If she was genuinely concerned she could have phrased it much more tactfully.

SomethingkindaOod · 26/12/2013 19:45

I should add that my less than dear SIL raised 'concerns' with me about DD1's speech when she was 4 as she found it hard to understand her. I mentioned it in passing at parents evening with her teacher, who laughed and said that DD was one child who she would never have concerns about wrt speech!

WaitingForPeterWimsey · 26/12/2013 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FestiveYoni · 26/12/2013 20:00

I don't believe in shutting people down; she may have more knowledge than she is letting on or has a case scenario in mind...and the sooner you do get it checked out te better.
I was in train and someone was watching me and dd and =she said she noticed she wasn't speaking and i should go crazy with the talking to her, even though i am a sham and did of course ave lots of one to one with her....

Se told me about her own dd and the-issues etc and i did really up the ante with her and she was talking soon after....

the point being, if you know and are happy se is fine, let it wash over you but i wouldnt be upset.

Clunch · 26/12/2013 20:15

For god's sake, 'diagnosing' a total stranger's child with developmental delay after a single brief encounter us completely inappropriate, particularly when your basis is not a professional qualification but a comparison with a child you have a vested interest in believing to be above average.

ZingChoirsOfAngels · 26/12/2013 20:21

Festive

if there's a real problem or the signs of it I would not hesitate to give advice, even to a stranger.

but I would never compare that child to mine in a smug way and would try and alert the parent to the problem and the solution, not emphasising on why my kid is "better"!

and speach, like mobility, teething, eating or sleep vary so greatly at this age I would never comment in a negative way precisely because there are no set rules of progress.

DziezkoDisco · 26/12/2013 20:29

None of her business.
My DS2 barely spoke to 2, he is absolutely fine now.
But whoever mentionned einstein, I thought he was diagnosed posthumously with autism, though that of course is by the by.

CoteDAzur · 26/12/2013 20:31

'If I was overweight and someone told me I should see addietician they'd have a point, but they'd still be rude and I'd still be annoyed'

YABU to have a problem with truth.

grumpyoldbat · 26/12/2013 20:33

What clinch says plus children change a lot between 21 and 24 months. Even a professional couldn't judge from such a small snap shot. Dd1 hardly ever shuts up but when with new people she can be quiet until she gets to know them.

headinhands · 26/12/2013 20:33

It's difficult because we take it so personally when people even suggest there is something out of kilter about our children. I doubt we'd even think to be offended if someone made an observation about our car or washing machine. If you think the person meant to offend you then feel sorry for them. If they thought they were being helpful but you're confident that their concerns are unnecessary then disregard. If you have any concerns yourself see your HV.

Tinkertaylor1 · 26/12/2013 20:38

Oh god I get it all the time from PIL . "Dd is still not sleeping through? Have you taken her to see some one about it?" " this isn't normal for thos age" ....

Who should I see the fucking sleep police? She is 9m old you dick!

^^^^ of course I didn't say that but I should have !

VworpVworp · 26/12/2013 20:40

Lynette what a lovely, fantastic truism! I am going to adopt that, thank you.

OP- My DD could only say 'Mama' and 'Papa' at 20 months too- no delays now at all, please don't worry, unless there are other things that concern you, in which case, go and see your HV or GP Thanks

OfficeSupplies · 26/12/2013 20:47

Every child my mother meets is cursed by some deficit of looks, speech, understanding, interests in short their lives are blighted by not being her darling grandchildren.

Fortunately she is not cursed with rudeness and keeps her odd and entirely bonkers opinions to herself and doesn't compare other gc with her more advanced dgc. In short this gran you met is unusually maladroit socially which should be checked out as my mother is much more socially adept. Social inhibitions can break down in the elderly...

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